When you lose a best friend for whatever reason, it is painful, lonely, and confusing.

There are many ways this loss happens.

• Two people can grow apart, having found  different interests so you no longer have anything in common
• You face irreconcilable differences that simply can’t be bridged 
• You are just dropped --  without any explanation
• Your friend has a serious health condition (like stroke or dementia); the body is still present, but you have lost your friend. 
• Your friend dies, leaving you with a profound loss, unacknowledged by others; therefore, you have no social support for your grief.

My best friend, Dr. Beth Erickson, and I are offering a free teleseminar on the topic of Losing a Best Friend.

     THIS  THURSDAY, May 10th at

    8:00 pm Eastern  (7 Central; 6 Mt.; 5 Pacific)

This will be an opportunity to hear from us

and other callers about topics such as what

support you would have wanted, what you did

get, what you may still need to help as you

heal from this tremendous loss.  It's also an

opportunity to learn more about the grief

process and its life-long affect -- even as you

move on in your life.

THEN, You have another opportunity:

After this free teleseminar,  Dr. Erickson  will be offering a three week follow-up seminar for those who would like to talk more about their loss and understand how to grieve and move on – while recognizing the lilfe-long impact of the loss on their lives.

The charge for this 3 week seminar will be $75.  (That’s less than a weekly movie date with popcorn and soda for this level of psychological pain relief.)

However, if you register for the series on Thursday evening, May 10th, you will receive a $20 discount.  So, the three week seminar will only cost $55.

Dr. Erickson’s primary clinical specialty is loss, and both of us are relationship therapists.  So, we plan to provide an informative and healing experience for those who attend.

Click here to register for the FREE meeting     

P.S.  If there is a particular topic you would like us to cover, please go to  www.AskDrBethErickson.com.

SO, If you have lost your best friend -- for whatever reason -- we look forward to your joining us.

 Dr. Karen Gail Lewis and Dr. Beth Erickson

• automatically dial a phone number
• display a text message (details about the item you want to buy, maybe a coupon code to get an extra discount, instructions, descriptions, disclaimers, oh my...)
  
• go to a website page
• view a YouTube video (like a movie trailer)
  
• automatically add an event to your calendar
• make a purchase online (you still have to manually provide your payment info)
• automatically connect to a wifi network
• add someone to your phone contacts list (with all the information of a business card)

The way it works is like this:  A QR code is created and displayed somewhere. Anywhere really; a webpage, a flyer, a billboard, a business card, you name it. Here is an example. This QR code will take you to Dr Lewis' website.

So how do you use this code?

First of all, your smart phone must have a camera - which is standard these days.

Next you must install a QR reader app on your smart phone. There are dozens to choose from and most of them are free. Do a search on QR readers and take your pick. Personally I recommend the one offered by Symantec, called Norton Snap. It uses Symantec's list of known malicious websites to tell you if the code will take you to a suspicious site. You can then choose to continue or to cancel.

So, which ever reader you choose, you run the reader app, which automatically brings up the camera and you position the phone so that the QR image shows up in the guide lines. When the code is read, the app does the appropriate action (takes you to the website, displays the text, dials the phone, etc. - depending on what the QR code says.) My app makes a clicking sound when the code has been read, so I know it's processing the information.

They are back in therapy again, with complaints and counter-complaints. She says his drinking is worse; he complains she criticizes everything he does; she says she can’t trust him to do things well because he comes home drunk.  And on and on.

During the second week of their futile counter-complaints, I am explicit:  without dealing with his drinking, nothing will change. He says he wants to stop, but the stress of his high powered job adds to his drinking.  Besides, business deals are made (and broken) over drinks.  After these explanations, he adds, “But if I’m honest with myself, I guess I always find reasons to drink. I’ve been drinking since I was 14; that’s a lot of excuses over 28 years.”

Mark finally acknowledges he is an alcoholic.  “I know I need to get help.  Just as soon as this last deal at work comes through, I can take a few days off to dry out.”

Two months later, I point out he is still saying “as soon as I close this last deal.”

“I can see that, but I can’t leave my job until I find something else, and I can’t do that until I have time to focus on it.  Probably next month,” he again promises Marlene.

As Marlene continues to ineffectually complain about his drinking, he tucks his chin into his chest, looking very much her victim.

I ask, “What happens to you when she complaints?  You say you want to stop yourself, yet you pull back as if you disagree with her.”

“I rebel against anyone who tells me what to do.  I always have.”

“When you were a child, who were you rebelling against?”

“I don’t know.”  He speaks softly, his chin still tucked low into his chest. 

“Your father?  Your mother?”

“I don’t know."  He oozes passivity, exerting no effort to think about this.

I push on.  “Your sister or brother?”

His head bobs up, looking at me for the first time.  There is a silence and then he says, “You said my brother and that got me thinking.   Terry is four years older than I; when we were he was always beating me up and bossing me around.”

“And here you are, three decades later, still rebelling against anyone you perceive as bossing you around. What’s most curious, though, is how you set yourself up for someone (I point to Marlene) to boss you and be mean to you.”

He looks stunned.  “Huh?”         

“For example, a few minutes ago, Marlene talked about the fight you two had the other night when she found pot in your pocket.  She said you couldn’t have pot in the house; she didn’t want your children to discover their father uses drugs.  Do you remember what you said back to her?”         

“Yes,” he says belligerently.  “I said I’d have it in the house if I wanted and if she had a problem with that, I’d just move out.”

“Think about that.  Do you want your kids to know you use dope?”  He sadly shakes his head.  “You were more invested in rebelling against Marlene than in saying, ’Of course I don’t want my kids to see this so I won’t keep it in the house.’”

Mark hides his head in his hands.  “Jesus.  I do set it up, don’t I?  Why do I do that?”  He is bereft.         

Marlene tries to rescue him by shouting at him about the marijuana.  I point out, “This is your usual routine.  You pull him out of his despair by yelling at him so he can yell back which is better than his depression.  This time, I want to give Mark a chance to look inside.”  I turn to him, “to stop running away from your feelings.         

“How are you feeling right now?”         

“Awful.”  He chin is back on his chest.         

“Can you put words to what you’re feeling?”         

“I’m caved in on myself,” he whispers.         

“And what feeling are you protecting in that caved-in position?”         

“Fear.”         

“Try speaking from inside that fear.”         

“It’s just fear.”         

“Try speaking form your own voice, ‘I’m scared.’”         

“I’m scared,” comes out in a tiny, but flat voice. After a few seconds, he adds, “I need space. That’s what the alcohol and pot do; they help me carve out space just for me.”         

“What type of space?”         

“A safe space, to be by myself.”  His lips continue to move; it takes time before the words catch up.  “Terry was a terror.”         

I wait to catch his eye. “You’ve been dabbling with getting help for years but nothing has changed.  If you really want change, we have to do something very different.  Are you game?”         

He’s skeptical.  “What do you have in mind?”         

“You need help; let Terry you.  He was part of the early fear.  Give him a chance to help uou move past this – in order to save your marriage.   If you tell him your life’s a mess, and you need his help, do you think he would  come to therapy to help you?

Without hesitation he nods. “Yes, he would.  We don’t talk very often and never about anything serious, but I know he would.”         

It’s amazing how many people, whether they have a good or rocky relationship with their siblings, know they could call upon them for help.

Mark and Marlene leave the session, not holding hands like in a fairy tale, but without a billow of tension surrounding them.

You grew up with brothers and sisters.  You played with them; you fought with them.  They tattled on you (or you tattled on them).  Mom liked you more; Dad liked them more.       

You’re grown up now.  Do you still have the same squabbles?  Can you write the conversations before they even occur?  Do you get along well – except for certain topics?  Do you speak to your siblings now?  And, are they still alive so you can speak to them?

In 1998, Chris Evart decided to do something special.  She had grown up with a brother and a sister – both of them dead long before they should have been.  From being part of a set of siblings, she became an only child.  Whatever her childhood experiences with her brother and sister, she took her loss and her memories and translated them into action.  She started working towards a National Siblings Day.

She says, “Mother’s Day and Father’s Day honor the living parents.”  She wants a day to honor the people who grew up with you.  This would be the people who shared your bedroom, your clothes, who fought over the same toys.   She also wants a day to memorialize those siblings who are no longer in your life.  She picked April 10, her sister’s birthday.

By now, more than 2/3 thirds of the states have recognized National Siblings Day and Evart is hot on the trail of having President Obama make it a national proclamation.

Evart turned whatever her feelings about her siblings in childhood into a positive action for herself – and others. What do you do with your childhood feelings about your brothers and sisters?

“Last Tuesday, like every first Tuesday of the month for the past 12 years, I got in my red Subura and drove four hours straight north on I-95 to Denny’s.  Why?  Because my sister Chrissy drove south on I-95 for the same four hours to meet me.”  Robin grins, “I wouldn’t miss these Tuesdays even if the Queen of England were coming to town.  We had lunch and spent the day together, poking around shops, exploring new areas, but mostly sitting and talking.

Robin and Chrissy, midi-life married women, have arranged their work schedule so they can have this special time together every month.

“We weren’t always this close. There were 30 plus years when we wouldn’t go so far as our own backyards to spend time together.  Mom had always wanted us to be close, but when we were little, she’s 15 months older than I, we fought over everything; I always ended up crying. When we were teenagers, she was nasty when I borrowed her clothes, her make-up, or her jewelry.  True, I didn’t always ask first, but after all, I was a teenager!

After college, we went our own ways. We got together twice a year at our parents’ home for Thanksgiving and Passover.  These were the only times our kids got to see and play with each other. 

But then, something changed at our mother’s funeral; it was almost magical.  As we stood over her casket, it was as if her hand came up and grabbed us and made us hug.  That hug changed our lives.”

Chrissy had never heard of National Siblings Day.  “I think it’s a great idea, at least now. How would I have felt before Mom died?  I’m ashamed to say, but I think I would have laughed.  Why would I want to celebrate a day for a person whom I didn’t really care about?”

Joshua also had never heard about National Siblings Day.  “I have mixed feelings.  I rarely talk with my two sisters, only when they call me. Would I like to be closer?  Maybe, but would I do anything to make it happen?  Probably no.  My brother though is another story.  I don’t like him.  I certainly don’t care if I never see him again.”

I ask, “If your brother called and said he was in serious trouble, or was really sick, and needed your help….”

He finishes my sentence, “Well, that would be different.  I’d be right there.”

“Why, if you don’t like him?”

“He’s my brother.”  Joshua grimaces as if thinking.  “I know that doesn’t’ make sense.  I’m not sure I can answer that, but we used to be real close when we were little.  Well, we fought a lot.  Rather, I used to beat him up.  He was an annoying pest.”

He stops, trying to make sense of his contradictions.  “I don’t know why, but I guess because he is my brother,” he repeats.  “I don’t like who he has become now, and I don’t really care about any of the three of them, but I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. That doesn’t make a slot of sense, does it?”

No, and Yes.  Literally, what he is saying is full of  contradictions.  Yet, most people with siblings will understand;  there is just something about a sibling that is different – than best friends, lovers, children.  Siblings have that history of YOU.  They have many of the same memories, so talking with them reminds you of who they were back then – as it does them.  You all are brought back to a time when you were little, life (whether good or bad at the time) held promise of a future.  It was a time when you looked forward.  Now, as you mature, there is more of looking back.

Ninety-five percent of Americans grow up with at least one brother or sister.  That’s a huge statistic, yet so little attention is paid to such a significant relationship.  Most adults get on with their lives, ignoring their siblings or taking their existence for granted, like Joshua, and like Chrissy and Robin before their mother’s death.

Joyce, though, knows what can happen when you take a sibling for granted.  “I come from a large family; there were six of us kids, and only three are left. That’s a lot of people to die so young.  I wasn’t even close to my two younger brothers, but their deaths changed my view of my family and myself.  We weren’t a family of eight anymore.  For holidays now, the dinner table isn’t as crowded.  It’s little things like this that jump out and grab me, more so than the actual loss of my brothers.  Instead of being a middle child, I’m the second oldest and only girl now.”

In hearing about April 10 as a day to honor or memorialize siblings, Joyce says, “I love the idea.  I think I’ll do something special for Donny, Paul, and Gordon.  Maybe I’ll write them a letter telling them how I feel about them as my only living siblings – even if I don’t send it.  Or, maybe I’ll plant a tree in my yard to remind me of my siblings, those here and those who have died.  I don’t know, but I certainly am going to think about it.”  She repeats, "I love the idea of a National Siblings Day.”

And if you would like to remember your siblings on April 10th but aren't exactly sure what would be appropriate, I invite you to join me in a teleseminar on Monday, April 9th at 8:30. We'll discuss some common issues with adult siblings and you'll have an opportunity to raise your questions and concerns. You can register here. I hope you'll join us.

When you visit your parents, do you get annoyed that they still treat you like a child?  They still give (unsolicited) advice, telling you what is best for you, what clothes you should (or should not) wear?   Which colors look best on you?  You need a haircut?  You need to call Uncle Bob, even though you haven’t seen him for 15 years?  You shouldn’t be driving alone at night?  If these aren’t your specific issues, you have your own, right?

It’s easy to be annoyed.  Why don’t they respect that you have grown up; after all, you are 50 years old, or you are the mother of teenagers, or you have an important job.  

What’s hard for you to consider, perhaps, is you’re the one who’s changed.  While you’ve grown from child to adult, your parents have remained the same -- they’re still your parents.  So in their eyes, you’re still their child – who just happens to be older.

Therefore, if you want them to treat you differently, it’s your responsibility to teach them how.  The one who wants the change is the one who must do the teaching. 

Unfortunately, what too often happens is when you are feeling they are not respecting your adulthood, you react to them as a child – getting angry, pouting, quietly seething.  What you are not doing is re-training them. 

Dr. Spock (and others) taught parents how to train their children.   There are few resources for teaching children how to train their parents.  (There is one great website, Mothering21.com.)   Thus, you have to make it up as you go along.

Don’t be afraid to say what you need – only do it politely.  For instance, Mom, I really appreciate your offering advice on my clothes, but I’d prefer you wait until I ask for it.  Or, Dad, I know you care about me, but I have been handling my finances for many years now.  I appreciate your concern and if I have a problem, I will be certain to ask for your help. Or, Mom and Dad, I know religion is very important to you, but my husband and I are making our own decisions about what we want for our children.

Ay of your comments can end with, “When I ask you not to do/say [whatever] yet you still do, it’s like you don’t trust my judgment/care how I feel/your ideas are more important than mine.”

It might help you in talking to them if you remember when they push their ideas and values on you, as they did when you were little, it is their way to remain important in your life, to still have a role as a parent.  As parents age, they may feel like they have less to offer you or they aren’t not needed any more.

So, let them feel needed – only needed in the areas that you can use their input.  If you are secure in setting limits with them, you won’t feel threatened by letting them help – in areas of your choosing.

Growing up means unpacking and sorting through your family rules, honoring and keeping the ones you like and jettisoning the destructive ones.  It means breaking free from your family’s trance and seeing yourself and your siblings more realistically.  It means making your own rules for living according to your own values.

Defying your parents and choosing a life different from theirs is rebelling against them; it’s a reaction to them, rather than freely choosing a life for yourself.  In the same way, you are not free (or grown up) if you acquiesce and accept their expectations and rules.  These are two sides of the same coin – rebel or acquiesce.  Both are in reaction to parents.  They don’t leave you free to make your own rules, separate from their influence.

When you are truly free, you may end up with some of the same rules as your parents, but not because you’ve blindly accepted theirs.  You may reject some of their rules, but not because they are theirs; you make your own rules because they are right for you.

After God created Adam, he didn’t want him to live alone, so he created Eve.   So starts Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone.  

I’m pleased to have been asked to be part of TLC's Book Tour for Eric Klinenberg’s newest book.  But, I was hesitant to review it because I have done my own research on single women and have published my own books.  Aside from the obvious points, I love drawing attention to the some seldom mentioned issues like singles should be neither  stigmatized nor glamorized.  I note our language has not caught up with modern women, having no appropriate name for a life partner or for spending time with a man; certainly “boyfriend” sounds fine for teenagers, but not adults, and “dating” definitely needs an update.  So, I was skeptical about finding anything I didn’t already know – or hadn’t written about.  So much for humility!

Eric Klinenberg is a researcher who spent seven years studying Americans living alone.  He interviewed men and women, young and old, wealthy and the poorest of the poor, famous and those who die without anyone knowing their name.  He is married so he has no axe to grind; he does not laud being single nor de-value it.  It’s just a fact – more people now are living solo. What he found is intriguing – not just for singles, but for our society.

In my research, done about a decade ago, I discovered that in 1950, Americans believed a woman was single because she was sick, neurotic, or immoral.  Klinenberg’s work proves times have clearly changed.  With more than 50% of Americans single today,  living alone has turned from a “sign of social failure to a rite of passage and a reward for success.”    

  Living alone, he writes, “changes the way we understand ourselves and our most intimate relationships.  It shapes the way we build our cities and develop our economies.  It alters the way we become adults, as well as how we age and the way we die.  It touches every social group and nearly every family, no matter who we are or whether we live with others today.”

“Living alone is not in itself a social problem.  But it is a dramatic social change that’s already exacerbating serous problems for which there are no easy solutions.”  Instead, it creates new possibilities. 

Living alone flourishes when cities flourish, and when advances in communication technologies make it increasingly possible to live alone while staying connected.  Most important for living solo is maintaining social connections.

So, he poses, since more people are doing it, let’s figure out what is needed to make living solo easier and better for everyone. 

He suggests we redesign communities, especially large metropolitan cities.  We revitalize public life where singles can live and walk and socialize with others; where there is good public transportation.  This is not only good for those living alone, it is good for ecology and saving energy, he points out.  Instead of individual suburban homes with cars having to drive everywhere, apartment type buildings, where there are lots of people living close to stores, restaurants, and public spaces.  What, he quoted someone calling “urban lite development.” 

Going Solo is replete with statistics (the one I love the most is this myth shattering fact: it is not true that more singles own pets than married people).  He has very readable vivid portraits of people who live alone, some living well and some not.  Going Solo is a read for those wanting to fully understand what is shifting in our society today.

What also has been interesting is reading some of the blogs by others who are participating in this virtual book tour.  They all have a different approach, from SingularlyHappy.com, who has a very concise chapter by chapter coverage to It’s All About Balance who draws a delightful contrast between how we praise toddlers for walking “all by themselves” but 20 years later fret, “When are you going to get married?”

Since this is my blog, I’ll confess I smiled reading about some of the professionals he interviewed – people I have known and worked with – people you have seen me write about:  Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.  She may be the most prolific writer and researcher on singles.  I had the pleasure of interviewing her as part of my 8 part series on Women Ready for Change.

And, Sherri Langburt who combined her corporate world experience with her insights about the negative stereotypes starting SingleEdition.com.   She joined me in my 3 part series on siblings, talking about married siblings can make a single woman feel like a child.

And, you have heard me talk a lot about the Alternative to Marriage Project. Nikki Geist, the former executive director gave him much information about the first organization devoted to the economic, legal, health (etc.) needs of singles.

Now, here is another woman he interviewed with ideas you may want to pursue.  Page Gardner of WVWV.org (women ‘s voices, women vote) works to get single women (the largest unregistered block) involved politically. (Did you know that in 2004 less than 13% voted.)  

Going Solo is replete with statistics (the one I love the most is this myth-shattering fact: it is not true that more singles own pets than married people).  It is filled with a wealth of information, vivid stories, and a direction for how society is changing and what we need to do to support and enhance the changes.  You can read it with friends or solo!