Today, among other topics, we talked about (among many other topics) being single.  Many (probably not all) single women give a lot of energy to their siblings, their nieces and nephews, their friends.  They may be called upon to do more for their aging parents because – they don’t have their only family.  The assumption is, therefore,they must have more time.

I imagine women don’t mind giving to those they love, but they may not notice if they are being given back to. The next generation gives back in their reciprocal love, but children are not expected to be nurturers of adults. But siblings and friends?  When you have a partner of your own, one who fills you with nurturance, you don’t notice how much you give out.  But often single women don’t have that partner. So, others may look towards you for strength, tasks, caring without being absolutely certain they give back. 

Just because you are single doesn’t mean your time is available for others.  It doesn’t mean you don’t also need replenishing for what you give out to others.

Non-singles really don’t get what some of the cores problems are about being single.  They may believe it’s only that you don’t have a man in your bed.  While that is true, it’s only the most obvious issue. If your friends and family don’t get it, it (unfortunately) is up to you to teach them.  Therefore, it’s up to you to know what are you not getting from them that you need.  You may be lonely, not just because there is no man in your but because you are not getting the attention, caring, loving from those you give it to.

Can't wait for our next luncheon, Lillian.

(Oh, and if you want to read more about what it means to be single and how to handle yourself in a society that is not especially giving to singles, check out my book on

    These retreats are specifically geared to help women clarify their personal goals. Women leave with plans for concrete action, having designed their own specific strategies to reach their goals – goals that only a few days ago they weren’t even aware they had. 

    Another unique aspect is the evening entertainment provided by Barbara Baxter, the gifted ventriloquist. Her “talking friends” tap into one underlying theme of each retreat, finding your own voice. 

    Finally, what makes Unique Retreats for Women unique is the skill and expertise of Dr. Karen Gail Lewis. Her insight, understanding, encouragement, and gentle pushing, as well as her ability to make women feel accepted in the group, make the progress of each woman a treasure for the whole group.

    A new retreat is being presented this spring, specifically designed for Women Ready for Change. While it is perfect for Baby Boomers, you don't need to be one to join us. All you need to be is a woman who is ready to make a change in her life. So if you are...

    I’ve written before about PCB -- Post Christmas Blues.  It’s that lethargic feeling that comes as a result of the post holiday let-down, January blah, or just plain winter doldrums. Whatever you call it, it begins after the holiday season when the weather is cold and days are shorter, and it ends before Spring.

    PBC is an expectation condition, not to be confused with the neurological condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). 

1.     If come mid-January and you still can not pull yourself from your blues, you may first need a PCB Rescue Plan.  For it to work, though, you must follow these guidelines:
   
   Give yourself permission to be blue rather than tell yourself to shake out of it.
2. Set aside 10 minutes when you can be in the dumps, mope around, feel sorry for yourself. You may be grumpy or weepy, so warn others to stay away during these few minutes.  When you feel blue at other moments, tell yourself to wait until your next 10 minute period.  Schedule as many periods each day as needed.
3. Have something planned for the end of your 10 minute period that will pull you into a different frame of mind.  It might be preparing dinner, calling your best friend, watching an engaging television show, or even leaving for work. Planning what comes right after your moping will make it easier to shift out of the mood.

    Some people fear if they give into the blahs, they will feel worse.  Not true, not if you know you have a limited time and then you must get on with your everyday life.  This PCB Rescue Plan teaches your body to respect the limits you set for yourself,so you can have your emotions but be in control of them.

(This same plan can be used for other emotional situations, whether it be grieving a death or not getting an anticipated award.)

The PCB Rescue Plan should help, bit if by mid-February, if you are still down, you might consult a therapist.  Sometimes, the seasonal PCB passes, but inits wake it sets off other feelings which extend the blues.

If you a newly engaged bride (or know anyone who is) feeling overwhelmed by the wedding planning tasks ahead, or if you are considering a possible career change to  wedding and event planning, then be sure to attend the January 31st Seminar Sunday at the i-do Boutique.  For more information, go to  http://blog.i-do-weddings.com

 
This wedding planner is really unique, not like anything you've seen before, so go check her out and consider the two seminars and extras she has planned for the 31st.

Divorced many decades ago, my friend Z is really excited that at her age, beyond what others might call mid-life, she has finally met a man she wants to spend the rest of her decades with.

They’ve been together now for a bit over a year. Recently, he needed surgery.  She went through the surgery, recovery, and rehab with him.  The recovery, though, has been and will continue to be slow.  He requires three times a week rehab as well as weekly doctor appointments.  For the first few months, she willingly did this.

Last week, though, Z told him he needed to drive himself to these appointments.  She felt badly doing that, hoping he wouldn’t feel resentful.  But, her concern was she didn’t want to feel resentful.  She was giving up a lot of her life in caretaking him.  She loves him and wants o do some, but not to the extent of letting go of her own life. If she did not, she worried her resentment might end up ruining her relationship.

I emailed her last week, saying this is a great example of a woman speaking up, taking care of her own needs.  Women so often are afraid of doing that, fearing they will seem uncaring, selfish, mean.

Z wrote back, saying, “I think that is my number one lesson in this relationship --learning to speak up, but doing it appropriately.”

This is a wonderful message for single women – and married women.  We need to be clearer about stating our own needs, and we need to rethink the misused word “selfish.”   After all, selfish, according to Webster(remember when we used dictionaries?) selfish is a combination of “about self”and the prefix, “ish” meaning about. So, selfish really means “about self.”

And, if you are not taking care of your self, who will be?

Thank you, Z, for reminding all of us women we need to be caring, loving – to those we love as well as to ourselves.

Ok, so January 1 has come and gone.  You made your New Year's resolutions, right?  And, as of today, you’ve kept them, right?

If yes,that’s great.  But, how many days has it been?  By next month this time, what’s  your guess; will you have kept all of them? Half of them?  One of them?  None?

It’s not hard to make new year resolutions, so what makes it hard to keep?  For one thing, you may not make resolutions that are keepable.

For a resolution to be keepable,

1. It has to be doable, within your control.  That means, it is something you really want,and you can find a way to make it happen. For instance, wanting to find a partner is not doable – unless you don’t care about your standards.  You don’t really have control if a person you want to be with will come into your life,and be ready for a relationship.  Or, you may resolve to get a better paying job. Well, that may or may not be in your control.  You certainly have to do your part, but you may not be able to make that happen.
2.  It has to be something about which you have no ambivalence.  I want to be nicer to my mother-in-law.  If you really don’t like her, and if you haven’t figured out how you are going to do that (see #3 below), this will not be a resolution you will keep.
3. It has to have a specific goal with set (and doable) results.  For instance, “I want to learn to dance, so I will take dancing lessons once a week at the local dance studio.  I am sending in my registration fee right now.”
4. It cannot be a vague resolution. Wanting to loose weight, a frequently dropped resolution, is not a good choice because it is too vague.  How much weight, by when.  What are the steps you will take to get there (see #2 above and #5 below)?  You can see why this is rarely an accomplished resolution
5. It has to have frequent rewards to insure the continuation of the resolution.  For instance, if you want to stop swearing, just saying it won’t work. You need to build in rewards to keep you focused on this goal.  You might keep a chart of every time you catch yourself using one and every time you catch yourself before it comes out of your mouth.  Then, tally up each column at the end of each day.  That way,you can see progress over the weeks. And, keeping the daily chart is a reminder to keep your goal.  

Now, because I know most people have a hard time keeping resolutions – whether they are personal or business – I am offering a great service.  It is FREE and very private.  It’s a guaranteed way for you to keep your resolutions  -- assuming they are keepable, as listed above.

It’s called a Letter to Yourself. Check it out for details.

If you are Single or Single Again, this is for you!

If you know any single women, this is for you!

We use our language too promiscuously.  We use words that we’ve heard all our lives and never give any thought to them --- until someone comes along and says, “Whoa.  That’s really inappropriate.” 

We saw this with the Woman’s Movement.  Prior to the 70s, we females were “girls.”  No one noticed, so we couldn’t have minded.  In the beginning, a few women started shouting, “We’re not girls, we’re women,” but too many of us thought they were making a big deal about nothing.  We’re the same people whether we are called girls or women, we said.

The same thing happened with “colored” people.  When a few brave souls shook the country with demanding to be called “Black”or “African American,” too many of us thought they were making a big deal about nothing.

Time is on the side of those who shake up us, who make us think about the language we use.

So, be prepared to be shook up here.

If you do not currently have a legal document saying you are married, does that mean you are “Unmarried”?  Do you call yourself “Unmarried”?

All of society uses this term, so what’s the big deal?

Well, think about this.  You are female, right?  Would you call yourself an “unman”?  If you are short, would you call yourself “untall”?

Putting an “un” in front of a word signifies something the word is not. “Unmarried,” is a deficit word, saying who you are not.  Yet, you know you’d never call yourself  an unman or untall.  In no other part of your life would you describe yourself by stating who you are not, so why do it with your status in life. 

Do you see the difference between saying, “I am unmarried,” and “I am not married”?  Most people don’t see that at first.  In the same way, most people didn’t see that “girl” and “colored” had become inappropriate, if not offensive.

Language matters.  Language is society’s way of passing on norms, expectations, cultural messages. We take words for granted, without recognizing the impact they have.   

What, you reasonably ask, negative impact could “unmarried” possibly have?

If you are single or you have single friends, know that society is biased towards marriage.  Also know that historically, women have been expected to be responsible for relationships – the ones they have and the absence of them.  We women are nursed on Self-Blame.  If there’s a relationship problem, it must be our fault.

Enough of unwarranted self-blame!  And, if being more cautious about our language can relieve any self-blame, I’m all for it.

It's a great way to start the new year.

And, here's a special treat for you: 

15 Golden Rules For Being An Emotionally Healthy Single Women

I’m eager to hear your thoughts about this.  Do share your ideas and experiences about the deficit language for singles.

Yesterday,I was on the phone with Beth.  She was telling me about Julie, her sister who is in her late 70s.  The day after Christmas, Julie’s best friend died.  Bev, twelve years older, lived across the street from her; they were daily companions talking on the phone, going out for chores as well as pleasure.  Julie not just lost her best friend, she lost someone vital in her every day life.  

Why do I tell you their ages, because I want to make it clear how important friendships are, particularly as you get older and it’s harder to make new friends.

Now losing a close friend is horrible at any time; but the thought of starting a newyear without your friend must be added pain.

My heart goes out to Julie.  And, as I told Beth yesterday, I’m struck that of all my blogs (8/5/09 and 9/5/05 ) and articles, the ones that have gotten the most responses are the ones where I’ve written about the death of friends. 

Julie and Bev were vital to each other’s feelings about themselves and their lives.  I couldn’t live so well if Beth were to die (so, keep healthy, Beth).  Hopefully, there is someone in your life that would have the same effect.

Losing a best friend is one of the tough losses, but one of the least recognized losses.  People send sympathy cards when one loses a spouse, parent, child, even a sibling.  But people rarely even think about expressing sympathy (to say nothing about a card) for the loss of a best friend.  But, you have not chosen parents, children and siblings to be in your life.  And, many best friends have a longer relationship than spouses.

So, value your friendships, and be particularly respectful when you hear about someone who has lost a close friend.  They are probably hurting without getting appreciation from others for all that they have lost.

As this
new year begins, my sympathy again to the women who have written me about
losing their best friend.  Time heals,
but the scar is always present.

And, my deepest sympathy to Julie.

Ever have a bad day?  A bad week?  As this year comes to an end, it's a good time to think in advance about how you would like to choose to handle these future disappointments or disruptions -- times when your life does not go according to how you envisioned it.

I received a blog from B. Hibbs, author of Try To See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage (www.trytoseeitmyway.com-- it's a great book, go get it) where she talks about a series of bad things that have happened.  She says,

    "Being a psychologist, I try all kind of rationalizations:

•  The past prepares you for the present. True, it does, and this too shall pass
• It seems that there’s never enough time. Now there’s a week with nothing planned.
• When you’re overwhelmed, break things down into small parts. One day at a time.
• Growth through stress. I can’t abide unnecessary suffering.  Might as well learn from it.
• The Christmas spirit is about togetherness.  I’m grateful we have each other, contagion and all."

Her advice to mothers:

",,,Teach your almost grown sons how to recover from life’s surprises.  It starts with spilled milk. No use getting worked up. Just say, “Oh, that was a surprise, can you help me clean it up?” After many years of practice, the gift my sons now give to themselves when things go south is the reassurance: “Okay, that was a surprise.”

So please when you have a bad day, week or more, take a little time to feel sorry for yourself,grump about a bit, then figure out something new to do."

What do you do to help yourself through these days that can eat away at your self-esteem if you aren't careful?