“I can’t stand it,” she screamed.  “If it’s not one thing it’s another.  He drops his dirty clothes where ever he is.   He promised to paint the back steps two weeks ago.  He was late for a doctor’s meeting we had scheduled.  He talks to me like I’m his maid.  I could go on and on.”

No, Emma is not talking about her teenage son.  She’s referring to her husband.  Emma has lots of reasons to be angry at Paul.  But, she hates to be constantly complaining about him, and especially complaining to him. 

Emma is like many women:  you have an on-going list of disappointments, complaints, and hurts about the important man in your life.   But, mentioning each of them is a real downer  -- for him and for you.

Rather than complain each time something bothers you, or worse, stuffing your annoyances because you don’t want to always be complaining, here’s a better option.  You’ll feel less like a nag, and you may actually get better results.  And, you for sure, you’ll feel less angry at him.   

Part 1: Do your homework first

 a.   For 1-2 weeks, write down every complaint that comes to mind.  He didn’t call when he was going to be late; he forgot your son’s soccer game; he never asks about your day.  Everything.

 b.   Now, categorize them.  You’ll find with even a list of 15-20 items, a number of them fall into similar themes, e.g., disrespect, forgetfulness.  Chances are, these 15-20 items may all fit into 3 or 4 themes.   And, you may feel less overwhelmed when all of your dissatisfactions are really only 3 or 4. 

 c.   Now, in thinking about talking with him, you can think about the themes – not each individual complaint.

 Part 2:  Talk with him

Set a specific time each week when you two can address that are of concern to either of you.  This gives him permission to raise a concern -- since men tend to ignore things until a tipping point when they blow up. This is a typical gender difference.

By having this discussion every week, you can let go of the anger at each moment because you know when you’ll have a chance to address the issue.

Emma said, “I thought this was going to be a waste of time, keeping that list.  I had no idea what you meant by categorizing.  I certainly did not believe I’d actually feel less angry and happier around him having to hold on to my anger for that one day a week.  But, I was amazed.  It’s true."

Is there tension between you and your sister or brother?  Do you wish you could be closer, but she (or he) won't talk with you, is short or snappy.  You don't understand, but you know you want it to be different.  Have you tried reaching out and always getting rebuffed.   Well, there may be a different way to approach her.  Is it possible she feels hurt or rebuffed by you?  Even if you aren't aware of what you have done?

And, even if you know you both have reasons to be angry at or hurt by the other, you want her to understand what she did to you.  Everyone wants to feel heard.  But, it is hard to hear another persons’ complaints about you if you don’t feel your side is being heard.  Unfortunately, everyone wants to feel heard first, so that means someone has to listen first.  If you are initiating this effort with your siblings, you need to be prepared to hear your siblings’ complaints about you before you speak your concerns.  You have a better chance of being heard if your siblings feels you have heard them, that you understand why they feel the way they do, how you have hurt or angered them.    

PREPARATION:

1.     Make a list of all of your complaints about your brother or sister.

2.     Make a list of the list you imagine your brother or sister would make about you.

 3.     Write a letter (not to be sent) to yourself – as if from your sibling -- about these complaints.  Make sure your sibling “tells” you how angry she or he is as well as how hurt.  Use specific examples.

 4.     See if you learn something new by doing this to help you understand the problems from your sibling’s perspective.

 5.     Now, write a letter (not to be sent) to your sibling about your complaints.  Make sure you express how angry you are as well as how hurt.  Use specific examples.

 6.     Put both letters to the side – for the time being.

           NOW, YOU ARE READY TO APPROACH YOUR SIBLING

7.     Write your sibling (even if you live in the same city), saying you are unhappy about your relationship.  You would like things to be better.  So, to help you understand the problem from his or her perspective, you invite a letter explaining the problem as he or she sees it.

 8.     When you get a return letter – before you react to what has been said about you -- respond to how your sibling must feel – given his or her perspective of the problem.  (Even if your sibling has the story entirely wrong, only respond to the feelings.  Remember, you’ll have your turn later.)

 9.     Chances are you’ll get a response to your empathetic letter.

    10. Now is the time for you to write your perspective.  Using your   

         letter from above (#3), edit it so it is clear you are talking from 

          how you experienced the situation.  Do not tell your sibling

          what he or she did wrong, only how it felt to be on your side of

          what happened.

    11. You can continue writing back and forth, using these “I Statements.” 

    12. At some point, you may want to suggest meeting to talk in

         person.  But, don’t rush that.  The problems took a long time to

         evolve, so give yourself time to resolve them.

    13. Consider a sibling weekend retreat to help get into more depth

         about the causes and how to get past the problems

        (www.UniqueRetreatsForSiblings.com).

Do you have a gifted child?  Do you have more than one gifted children? 

Kudos to all parents who raise children; it’s a tough job.

Kudos to all parents who raise children when one or more are gifted.  It’s hard enough trying to figure out what works for each child, but when you add to the mix a gifted child, it multiplies the difficulty for parents.

That’s because gifted children are smart and inquisitive, and hence, they can be incredibly annoying.  They don’t just accept any answer you give; they often want more info: why is something happening, how’d it get that way; there’s another way of doing something – and dozens of other questions and challenges. 

When you are invested in a teaching moment, you are probably very proud of your gifted child/ren.  When you are telling them no more candy, or it’s time to turn off the TV, or no you can’t buy that newest i-whatever – they want more info.  Or, they explain how you can afford to buy it, or why you need it. 

What is so hard is figuring out when they are being brilliant from when they are being manipulative.

Now, multiply this by two if you have two gifted children.

You deserve an as-yet-given reward for surviving being a parent, in the first place, and a parent to a gifted child.  So, here’s what you get:

Take your right hand and place it on your left shoulder.  Then walk your fingers backwards, giving yourself a “pat on the shoulder!”

Have you ever been blue?  Not depressed (you can still get up and go to work).  Just blue?  Everything seems routine, boring, dull?   Some women avoid the feelings by working harder or later in the evening.  Or, by eating, or numbing themselves with television, or losing themselves in a good book.  Anything to pass the time until either you feel better or you have to get to work.  

Lorraine tells an interesting story: 

“When I’m down, I know if I could go out with a girlfriend, I’d feel better.  But,  the last thing I feel like doing when I’m so down, is picking up the phone and risking getting an answering machine.  Or a friend saying, “Sorry, I’m just running out; I’ll call you later.”   The pain of forcing myself to make the effort and then not having some one there, at times, is just too great.  

“When I’m down, I know if I could go out with a girlfriend, I’d feel better.  But,  the last thing I feel like doing when I’m so down, is picking up the phone and risking getting an answering machine.  Or a friend saying, “Sorry, I’m just running out; I’ll call you later.”   The pain of forcing myself to make the effort and then not having some one there, at times, is just too great.       

“But, about a month ago, about 6:00 on a Friday evening, I mustered the energy (the nerve?) to call Betsy.  After all, married women are always busy, especially on weekends.  I was surprised to hear her voice, and more surprised she had time to talk.  (I always ask that first thing.)  But when I suggested getting together this weekend, I was nearly crushed by her very understandable explanation why she wasn’t available.

“But then something wonderful happened. We talked for an hour!  It was only the next day before I realized I had gone to “tea” with Betsy – from the comfort of our own homes.

“Since then, I’ve added lunch with friends who live hundreds of miles away.”

Being blue is normal.  But, as Lorraine discovered, the telephone can be one of the things that get you feeling better. 

Like the old telephone company says, “Reach out and,” instead of touch someone,  “Reach out and call a girlfriend.”

 
Are you thinking about divorce?    Before you do, you may want to give yourself a specifically planned “Structured Separation.”   This removes you two from each other’s presence on a daily basis while giving you the chance to see whether any fun or pleasure might still exist.  By separating out problems (to be dealt with in a therapist’s office) from fun time together, you have the maximum potential to see if the old flame could be rekindled.     

Here is an overview of the four parts:

Part One: Set a time limit

• 3-6 months
• Live in separate homes
  

Part Two: Rules for specified times to be together for fun

• 30-60 minutes, at the beginning (more if there is not much tension between you two)
• During these times, do something different than you usually do, preferably something you’ve never done together before
• Make a Taboo List – a list of topics that can not be discussed.  This would be anything that might cause tension or unpleasantness, such as children, money, in-laws, work.
  

Part Three:  Rules for specified telephone contact

•   Set a time and frequency for handling administrate and business issues.  This might include money issues, household repairs or other household responsibilities, decisions about the children.  If these topics must be handled in person, make sure you do not slide into talking about the problems.
•  If you both agree, set a time and frequency for having casual phone conversations.   Again, this is not a time to talk about problems. 
•  The Taboo List is still in effect in each of these calls.

Part Four:  Couple’s Therapy

       This is the time where you will deal with the conflicts in your marriage – those from the past as well as current issues.  Decide with your therapist the frequency of these meetings.

By the end of the specified time period, you may not have resolved all of your problems, but you will have some clarity if you want to move ahead with the divorce or continue to pursue improving your relationship.  Either way, you will understand what happened to your marriage, how it fell apart, and there will be less antagonism between you two in the future.   

Remember, if you have children, whether you divorce or get back together, you still have to deal with your same issues because you will be in each other’s lives for the rest of your own life.  Therefore, you might as well clear the air and learn to argue more productively.

Click here to contact me if you want more details of the four-part Structured Separation.

This past month, two people I know have died.  They were not close friends, so I do not grieve as I would if I had known them better.  But, I’m not really ready to have people I know die.

It also makes me so aware of the importance of keeping contact with those who have been meaningful in my life.

Recently, I met with a male client in his 60s who was talking about his best friend when he was younger.  The two men were in each other’s weddings, shared a lot more than he ever shared with any other man.  They were in business together, but years ago had a difference of opinion, and stopped talking.  He has had no contact in over 20 years.

In our discussion, it became clear that if something were to happen to his wife, he would be pretty much alone.  I shared with him a falling out I had with a dear friend years ago.  After a few years of not talking, I called her – out of the blue – and told her we had too much history to lose each other now.

He listened, and I swear his eyes got a bit damp.  After a moment, he said, “I really miss Philip.”  Although he is not a man of many words, he said a huge amount with these four.

At the end of the session, he mentioned they still had friends in common so he could find out how to contact him if he wanted to.

I hope he does.  Really, if you have a history with someone and you’ve lost touch, think carefully: do you really want to never have this person in your life again?

Don’t wait until someone dies – it’s too late then.

I was racing down the street and heard a man call out, "Would you rather be tickled or hugged?"  He said he was doing a survey.

Since I was hurried, I didn't stop, but that question rattled around in my brain for the next few days.

Would I rather be tickled or hugged?  I found the answer depended upon the moment -- at that particular moment, I certainly didn't want a hug.  I was pressured for time, so a tickle would have been perfect to lighten me -- even while my legs moved along fast.

    But later, when I was feeling quieter, I wouldn't have wanted a tickle.  I would have wanted the calming of a hug.

    But wait.  There was more.  My answer actually would be influenced by the giver.   If the tickler or hugger came from a good friend?  A sibling or other family member (niece, uncle, parent)?  A spouse/partner?

When you are mad at your spouse/partner, would you want that person to reach through your anger with a hug or a tickle?

If you felt a brother or sister was ignoring you, would you want them to re-connect with a hug or a tickle?  Better yet, which would  you give them?

If you've had bad news, or a tough day at work which would help more -- a good friend hugging or tickling you?

 Hmm.  I bet that man on the street had no idea how complex his 10 word survey actually was.

Sometimes a gifted child is so highly focused on specific aspects of the world, he or she comes across as “weird,” or a geek to the peers.

A caring sibling often is sensitive to the pain of the (often) friendless sibling.  One of the things I see a lot among siblings is a protectiveness.  “I feel bad for my sister who is odd compared to her friends.”  Or, “I cringe when I see my brother being teased for not noticing his shirt is on backwards.  I know he’s got far more important things on his mind than his shirt.”

It’s not only non-gifted children who are protective.  Some families have more than one gifted child, and often one has far more social skills than the other.  This one may feel protective of her sister or brother.

Most often, though, children are not consciously aware of trying to keep their gifted sibling from feeling bad. 

Here is a story about two young brothers, both gifted, but one is protective of the other – to his own detriment.

Petey is a born athlete and socially well liked.  He has a winning smile and teachers love having him in class.  Unfortunately, though, he is not working to his potential.  Even things like not turning in his papers – even if he has them in his backpack. 

Johnny lacks basic social skills; he is uncoordinated, and not well liked. Yet, he is doing amazing work in his classes.

I frequently get asked to talk to parents of gifted children.   While there are so many important topics, one that I always address is usually a surprise to them:  the importance of siblings when one child is gifted.

Briefly, I’ll just address here two aspects: competition and  protectiveness.

Competition:  Many families are uncomfortable with the idea of competition.  They try hard to make sure their children do not feel one is better than another, to give every one special attention.  If one is good in sports and another isn’t, they encourage that child toward some other interest/activity.

It’s a great idea; it just doesn’t help eliminate the children’s own sense of competition.  They know when they are better than or not as good as another child.  They also know when you are uncomfortable with the idea of competition and are moving them away from noticing!

When you have a gifted child, it’s hard to pretend that the siblings don’t notice.  When a 6 year old is helping a 10 year old with homework – they notice!

Unfortunately, most parents don’t talk about a child being gifted.  I say this because it leaves the other children wondering why they are not as smart.  Just telling them they play the piano better, doesn’t answer their question.  The answer, of course is, Who knows!   Most children can handle hearing that it is as random as which of your children got your blue eyes and which got your father-in-law’s thick hair.

If you handle the issue of giftedness, like you handle which child is left-handed, you remove the value judgment; it’s just part of the randomness of life.  Then, you can tell them the good qualities and skills they have.