WHAT’S IN A NAME?
    By Dr. Karen Gail Lewis

If you are Single or Single Again, this is for you!
If you know any single women, this is for you!

We use our language too promiscuously.  We use words that we’ve heard all our lives and never give any thought to them --- until someone comes along and says, “Whoa.  That’s really inappropriate.” 

We saw this with the Women’s Movement.  Prior to the 70s, we females were “girls.”  No one noticed, so we couldn’t have minded.  In the beginning, a few women started shouting, “We’re not girls, we’re women,” but too many of us thought they were making a big deal about nothing.  We’re the same people whether we are called girls or women.

The same thing happened with “colored” people.  When a few brave souls shook the country with demanding to be called “Black” or “African American,” too many of us thought they were making a big deal about nothing.

Time is on the side of those who shake up us, who make us think about the language we use.

So, be prepared to be shook up here.
                            
If you do not currently have a legal document saying you are married, does that mean you are “Unmarried”?  Do you call yourself “Unmarried”?

All of society uses this term, so what’s the big deal?

Well, think about this.  You are female, right?  Would you call yourself an “unman”?  If you are short, would you call yourself “untall”?

Putting an “un” in front of a word signifies something the word is not.  “Unmarried,” is a deficit word, saying who you are not.  Yet, you know you’d never call yourself  an unman or untall.  In no other part of your life would you describe you by who you are not, so why do it with your status in life.  (Even that word isn’t quite right.  Click Here with suggestions for a better term?)

Do you see the difference between saying, “I am unmarried,” and “I am not married”?  Most people don’t see that at first.  In the same way, most people didn’t see that “girl” and “colored” had become inappropriate, if not offensive.
 
Language matters.  Language is society’s way of passing on norms, expectations, cultural messages.  We take words for granted, without recognizing the impact they have.   

What, you reasonably ask, negative impact could “unmarried” possibly have?

If you are single or you have single friends, know that society that is biased towards marriage.  Also know that historically, women have been expected to be responsible for relationships – the ones they have and the absence of them.  We women are nursed on Self-Blame.  If there’s a relationship problem, it must be our fault.

Enough of unwarranted self-blame!  And, if being more cautious about our language can relieve any self-blame, I’m all for it.

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I’m eager to hear your thoughts about this.
Click Here and share your ideas and experiences about the deficit language for singles.

Terms like Unmarried and Non-married silently attack single women, who absorb the blame for not having that wedding ring.  If you are single pay attention to the subtle ways you blahow much self-blame you absorb or have single women friends, pay attention to how you m 

The wedding ring announcing you are married -- that raises a curious thought.  Next week, look for a curious thought about the wedding ring and a single ring announcing you are open to new relationships