I received this comment from an Always Single Woman:

The worst thing about being
single is missing out on life.  Once all
your friends marry, it

becomes a “couples” world…singles excluded.  Your friends have kids and socialize with

other couples with kids.  Even when yo
get together with girl friends, the topics are husbands,

kids, etc.  and you feel alone. …I’m basically no different
now at 46 than I as in high school

…except older.

The issue of married friends excluding single is real and
unkind.  Although, I doubt any of them are
aware of being unkind.  While it may be
uncomfortable, it is up to the single women to raise the topic.  This is one way to separate out those who are
true friends from those who were just social users when single.  A true friend is likely to be surprised at
your feeling excluded.  Or, she may be
protecting you from being uncomfortable with her family or married friends.  She needs to hear that you want her to invite
you and you decide, each time, whether or not you are comfortable being
included.

 

This issue of being a 3^rd or 5^th wheel
is real.  And, it is also NOT real.  You make it what you want it to be.  If you let them lead the conversation, you
probably will feel left out. Married women might be delighted, though, to have
someone get them talking about anything other than children and husbands.  Be pro-active.  What makes single women feel so bad often is allowing themselves to take a back seat.

She later added:

“ I think I'm in the middle of a
huge mid-life ‘always been single’ pity party.  And I know I
should appreciate all I have when I have it.  Most of the time I do; it’s what gets me
through the slumps.  I hope the pity party ends soon....I'm just
feeling I missed out on a lot.”

 

There’s no way anyone should try to make you feel good about
being single.  Your friends have a life
style (husband and children) that you want.  While I firmly believe that women can live fine
without a mate, if you really want one, then of course you feel sad, maybe even
betrayed by the old promise that if you live right, you’d get the white
picketed fence and armored prince.

 

Unfortunately, that was a false promise since there is no guarantee
about love and mating.  You can’t make an
appropriate man appear.  You could make
children appear if you want to be a mother. 
My book, With or Without A Man has a
chapter devoted entirely to that question.

 

Many women who have always been single feel their life has
not changed since they were younger while their friends have moved on to marriage
and parenthood.  They long for a life
style they feel they have missed.  That
is true.  No one should try to talk you
out of that.  However, in addition to
being aware what you have missed, you might also want to think about what
advantages and experiences you have had by virtue of not being married. 

 

For example, as an Always Singles, you may have

1. lived
   more exciting lives
2. traveled
3. pursued
   career opportunities, and other activities
4. become
   more emotionally insightful, having time to focus on your own personal
   growth
5. learned
   about yourself in relationships through dating different men
6. become
   more assertive, learning to stand up for yourself
7. become
   more independent, not having a built-in man to take care of you.
8. had
   more than one great love, while your married friends have only had their
   husband.

 

 

Unlike some single authors, With or Without A Man doesn’t say being single is the best thing since
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  And,
unlike some authors, it doen’t say if you do something different with yourself,
you will meet a man.  I think single
women need to value their life as it currently is -- you what you have at the time you have it.  Tomorrow it may change.  The next day it may change back. 

 

 With or
Without A Man:  Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives, together with the companion Workbook, offer specific
suggestions how to think differently about being single.  Married or single, you don’t know what
tomorrow brings.  Therefore, the only thing
you can be certain about is what you are going to do with the life you have
today.  If you are not using it to the
maximum, feel good about yourself and fulfilled, then you have only yourself to
blame – not the lack of a husband.   Married women often complain their lives are
lacking something and if only they were single….

 

I say to them what I say to single women: Take control of
your life – with or without a man.