TIPS TO ENSURE A POSITIVE CONVERSATION 
 based on

1 .  Pick one (only one) topic you want to discuss.  Be specific.

2 .  Get your partner’s active attention before you start talking. 

3 .  Set a specific day and specific time to meet.  Set the length, between 30 to 60 minutes.

4 .  Ask if your partner would like your written concern in advance to be better prepared.

5 .     Your concern should be no more than 3 or 4 sentences.

            a. use “I” statements

       b. avoid terms such as “always” “never” “should”

       c. stick to the present situation

6 .     When you meet, read your concern or give it to your partner.

7 .     DO NOT ask “why” your partner did or said something.  (That is looking backwards.  Focus only on what can you do differently next time)

8 .     End with a question about finding a solution for the next time this happens.  

9 .     If your partner blames you or explains his or her position, do not be defensive.  Listen and say thank you; say part of the problem is you both have different perspectives. Then immediately, get back to looking for a solution.

10. Most crucial: Women, keep your emotions out of the conversation; talk as if you were discussing a shopping list.  Men, it is alright to show emotion; do not talk like you are at a board meeting.

NOTE:  There is a natural tendency to want to “complain,” or “explain” when you are hurt or angry.  This is not helpful.  A positive discussion avoids both, focusing on a solution.  You may feel dissatisfied, but if you get a solution that avoids the situation from reoccurring, that should be more important than venting.

 * To read excerpts from or to order the Dictionary, go to www.GenderDictionary.com