GIVING ADVICE = CARING?
GIVING ADVICE = CARING?
In my new dictionary, I explain the differences in how women and men use English. Let's consider the word "Advice." Often, but not all the time, for men, advice is a form of caring, while for women,unsolicited advice is an insult. You can see where the conflict is just sitting waiting to erupt -- if men and women don't learn each other's language.
Why is it women get so angry at a man who gives advice when what they really want is empathy? Let a woman tell her husband or partner (or any male) about a problem with her job, a friend, child -- no matter -- and the male has a suggestion what she should do. It enrages women, yet men keep doing it. By now, most men know women don't like it, yet they keep doing it. Why?
There actually is a good explanation. Men like to be helpful (as dowomen), and giving advice is being helpful; it is their way of showing theycare. It usually does not leave a man's mouth as a put-down, but infact, many women experience it as, "What does he think? I'm so dumb Icouldn't figure out what to do? Of course I know what to do, but rightnow I just wanted him to listen."
Is there a solution? Yes, there is something both the man and the woman can do to improve communication and enhance their relationship. Women can understand the man's intent and say something like, "Thanks for your help, but would you mind holding the suggestion for right now and just listen to how I'm feeling."
The man could ask, "Would you like a suggestion?" That way he'll let her know he is caring, but giving her the option to say, "No thanks." Or, "Sure, but not right now; let me talk first and then we can discuss your suggestion for what I should do."
This is a way to be respectful to both languages -- Male-ese and Female-ese.
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