Grieving the Loss of a Best Friend
I think of all the hundreds of articles I have written, the one that has motivated the most people to write me has been about the grief over losing a best friend.
To anyone who has had a best friend die, my heart goes out to you. It is a lose that our society does not really honor or respect. There is no time off from work, no condolence letters, etc. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but it is important to give credence to your pain -- it is real.
If you have had a dear friend die, you may always miss her. Keep her in a reserved, cherished spot inside you, where you can go any time you want. However, she does not need to be front and center all the time.
If you are finding it hard to move on (whatever that means to you), here are some suggestions:
1. Talk. Talk about her to other friends. Don't be shy. You would do that if a parent or sibling died. Talk about what you loved about her, what you all did together, what you miss about her, and how much you miss her.
2. Have pictures of her. Put them out, don't be shy. Put outas many as you want, anywhere you want.
3. Talk to her. Talk to her in your mind's eye, and through the pictures. Tell her about your day, or whatever else you used to talk to her about. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you'll never forget her. Tell her that even when you begin to move on, develop new friends, have experiences she can’t be a part of, you will not forget her.
4. Tell yourself you can move on without being disloyal. She would want you to. And, since she is in your heart, she will be with you as you move on in your life.
5. Create a mourning ritual. One that has been useful for some people was adopted (and distorted) from a Jewish grieving ritual. For one week, seven days, pin a piece of black material of any size over your heart. Once a day, at the same specified time, say a prayer for her or just talk or sing to her. This should last no more than 5 minutes (which can be very long, actually). Then, at the end of the week, do the same thing once a week for two to six months -- at the same specified time.
6. If you are still feeling an intensity of the pain, if it is interfering with your getting on in life, then it may be time to consult a therapist who specializes in grief (and who can respect the importance of grieving over a friend). Often, the loss of one person can trigger old losses (deaths or other types of losses). When that happens, you are actually grieving over the old loss, so no matter how hard you try, you may not be able to get past the current one until you honor and deal with the earlier death.
There is a really good book that talks about the delayed impact of not resolving the loss (death or emotional absence) of a father, LongingFor Dad.
I’d love to hear from any of you who have found others ways to deal with the death of a best friend.
My best friend passed away four months ago. I feel deep hole in my heart. I have never felt such unconditional support, not even from my own parents. In my thirty-eight years, I haven't experienced anything like the chemistry we had as friends with anyone else. I am forever changed.
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What can I say, Heather? My heart goes out to you. There are all these wonderful platitudes, like time will heal your hurt. While that is true, it sure doesn't help right now, I know.
Be kind to yourself, especially while you are so vulnerable with this loss.
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I'm in the same boat as Heather, my best friend died of cancer in August. Although we had the opportunity to talk about it ahead of time and say what we needed to say, nothing can prepare you. I too am 38 and never imagined having such a bond and know I'll never have another friend like her. I totally agree...forever changed.
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I also lost my best friend, who also happened to be my sister-in-law for 35 years, to a brain tumour. Very quick, but we did always talk, and when she got sick, nothing was left unsaid. I am lost without her and don't have any other friends, and I know I will never have another friend like that. Nobody ever had more fun than we did. Road trips, raising our children together and most of all shopping always and sharing our wine. Now I am drinking her share as well. It sure is lonely. I miss her.
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Losing a good friend, especially a long-time friend, is beyond words. And, what makes it worse, is that good friends are not "made." They grow and evolve over shared time together. I often hear from mid-life women how hard it so to make new "good" friends. Well, they are right. Hopefully, you will meet other women, but of course, none will ever replace her.
I'm sure your comment struck a note in lots of other readers.
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Hi Felicia,
Would you be surprised to learn that the issue of losing a best friend to death is one of the topics I get the most emails about?
While that means you are not alone in the pain of your loss, I know it doesn't really help with the pain!
It has only been 3 months, so be kind to yourself. Your friend deserves your grief, so don't rush yourself. If after 3 more months, the pain is no less, then write me again and we can talk about what might be of help. Sometimes, when time alone is not alleviating the loss (at least a bit) it often means this loss is stirring up another loss that has not been resolved or grieved.
The best I can offer now is to say how lucky you are to have had your best friend for as long as you had her. Of course, loving brings about change, as well as the loss. But, she probably would want you to put your change to a good purpose.
karen
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I am grieving my best friend forever. I found out that she died last Christmas (2009). It has totally devastated me. We were so close. The last words I ever heard from her will haunt me forever, "they think they found something"... in a strange, deep, unrecognizable voice. Her husband literally aged overnight when she died of cancer and her two sons are also devastated without her guidance. All her friends and church pals miss her more than words can ever say. I will love and miss you forever Joyce. As you went to your grave with all my secrets I shall go to my grave with all of yours. Rest in peace dear. Love from Lorraine. xo
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Hi Lorraine,
I am so sorry for your losing Loraine. You wrote such a beautiful letter, so I assume her family knows how loved and missed she is by others. Thank you for sharing this. This article is the one that receives the most comments, so it is clear that pain of the loss of a best friend is so under recognized. Family members get the support for their loss, friends usually don't.
Karen
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Thank you for this, too; it says so much. I am writing a book on the unique experience of grieving the death of a friend (as opposed to a family member). It's been an incredible and very empowering thing, to hear people from around the country talk about their loss and their frustration with those who don't understand their grief. I've gotten such positive response, and when I tell them I'm writing it because of a promise I made to a dear friend who died, they "get it". I want to call the book "my best friend died and no none gives a s***", but I don't think that'll fly!
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Hi,
I'm delighted to hear about your book-in-progress. Do contact me if you have questions or want more professional input. It's an important topic. I will say that of all my articles (and I have written hundreds), this one gets the most comments. It's clearly a topic of great interest that has few available resources, as you know by the comments of others when you say what you are writing.
And, frankly, I think that's a great title! ("damn" if you have to clean it up)!
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Thanks! I will definitely be in contact with you. I'm off to New York next week, to spend time at Ground Zero on and around 9/11 (it's a chapter in the book). Yeah, 'damn' might work, too!
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I lost a close friend back in June very suddenly. I felt as if I was getting over it (the first week after it happened I felt extremely depressed and then as time went on i felt that less) today was her birthday and i joined her family in celebrating that. however, i also found out the cause of her death which was an accidental overdose. i'm feeling a lot of guilt because i feel as though i should have been there for her more and i wasnt. she went through a terrible ordeal with being sexually assaulted in front of her two young children and suffered from extreme depression and anxiety because of it. and i just wasnt there like i should have been. but it was hard because i have a husband and obligations and she turned to pills and alcohol and it was hard for me to be around that. (especially considering the fact that she had children) i just didnt know how to handle it. i wanted to be there for her but it was hard. and now that she is gone i feel i am partially responsible. i feel like i should have been a better friend. how could i even call myself a friend? i should have just been there for her. but i didnt know how. i wish i could have done something or said something to make her feel like she wasnt alone. maybe had a been there for her she wouldnt have overdosed on meds and she would still be here. i just dont know what to do or how to feel and everyone keeps telling me i was a good friend to her but i know i wasnt...
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Hi Liz,
Oh dear, that has to feel awful for you. And, having everyone tell you you did the best/you were a good friend, doesn't matter at all, does it. You still feel awful. If you were an insensitive person, a callous person, you would be able to shake this and move on. So, it's a compliment to you that you are still so pained. It isn't clear from what you wrote if you think she may have taken the pills on purpose. if so, there really is nothing you could have done to have prevented her from ending her life -- if that's what she wanted. And, if it were an accident, you can beat yourself up from now til kingdom come and it won't bring her back or make you feel any better. Perhaps you can think of something you can do, now, that would make you feel some type of reparation. Being more involved with the children, volunteering, perhaps, with an abused women's program, donating to a child abuse program -- anything that connects you with her. Just doing more of the same, abusing yourself, won't make it better for her or for you. So, think of an action that might. What happened to her was just awful. the reality is that none of us always responds perfectly to situations. We're always left with, "what i I had only," or "I wish I had...." Be kind to yourself (she probably would want you to, also, since she was a friend). And, of course, more of the old feelings get stirred up on anniversaries, so even as you begin to feel less badf, expect to have more reactions on the date of her death.
Feel free to contact me again, if you want.
Karen
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I lost my best friend maQuelle back in March of 2010 in a freak car accident. We were so close! We grew so close since the moment we met. I was sure I'd have a friend forever!! I looked forward to many summers spent in fun with her and our other friends!! We were like a family!! We were so close to each other it felt so right and I felt like i finally found a place and people that were truly mine. We did everything together! We all enjoyed dancing together it was our thing to do. MaQuelle had the most beautiful smile and the kindest eyes!! We were referred to as "Hubby and Wifey" by all our friends and ourselves!! I was so happy to have them. It was the best time of my life. On one evening while out dancing MaQuelle told a few of us she was diagnosed with stage 3 thyroid and stage 3 double breast cancer and would start chemotherapy soon. It broke our hearts but we promised we would all be there and get through it together!! About a few weeks after that I got the call at work from our friend Mikki telling me MaQuelle had gotten in a car accident and got ejected and it would be a few hours before we would know what had happened since she crashed in Idaho and we live in Utah. I was asked to call everyone else and tell them the news. So i did and broke the news to everyone. Later that evening Mikki called again and broke it to us. MaQuelle had not made it out alive. She broke her neck as she got ejected and died at the scene. She felt no pain. Our lives were shattered. We lost the best part of ourselves when she passed away. It's been almost a year and I have had little time to grieve propperly. I miss her a lot everyday and wish things hadn't had to be this way. I think I am grieving not only her passing but the life we all had with her in it. I am grieving the best time of my life but feel somewhat trapped because no one understands what it's like here at home and friends don't like talking about it. I hear the second year is harder! If that is true than I am scared but I know I have to keep moving on. It just is hard to have to deal with this. One minute life is wonderful and the next, it's excruciating pain. It's like a light went out in my heart and innocence was lost. It's all just so sad and unreal.
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Oh Howard,
I am so sorry to hear this. But, I am also really impressed that you understand that losing her, in addition to that horror, also effect how you feel about yourself and the life you had then. Such a death does have a long-term (perhaps forever) effect. Yet, if the grief is dealt with, it is possible to find a place in your heart for your grief, so you won't be carrying it forever. And, to make the grieving process even harder, as you point out, friends are ready to move on, are tired of hearing you talk about it. Yet, that is exactly what you need to do -- to keep talking about it, But, if friends are not accessible, perhaps you need to seek a professional. Not talking about it will definitely make it harder to find a place for this grief. Feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk more about this. Thanks for writing. Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
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Thank you very much for your kind words. Your words are very helpful and soothing to my soul. To be honest though I will grieve for her forever. That is because, she was literally the only person on earth I could trust with my life on. I am very serious about this. We being both christian' s helped too. I miss her every single day and I think of her as such daily just as much as I miss my parents who are also gone. Thanks again. LT
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I am so happy to have found your article. Someone mentioned earlier that there are tons of resources for those who have lost relatives, but rarely do you stumble upon something about losing a best friend.
I lost my best friend almost seven (yes, SEVEN) years ago and I am just now truly grieving her. I was devasted when it happened, got on anti-depressants, the whole nine yards. Every year around this time when Spring comes around (and most people seem happy), I am reminded of her death and the nature of her death. She was 24-years old and was raped and strangled by a complete stranger who forced his way into her apartment. It was a Saturday night. She lay on her floor Easter Sunday and was found the following Monday morning when she did not show up for work. Her funeral was an overnight drive from Louisiana to Oklahoma and took place on my 26th birthday. Although the killer was caught and will spend the rest of his life in prison, the "accessories after the fact" got no jail time.
During other times of the year, I miss her in a "normal" way. It is from now (end of February) til April 12th (the anniversary) that I am ridden with anxiety, irritability, am easily started and am impatient with others. I told my therapist that I am having a particularly hard time this year and I couldn't figure out why. She suggested that perhaps the anti-depressants, though sometimes are necessary to function in the short-run, can inhibit the grieving process. I also remember that I was in a toxic relationship at the time and had learned to build walls to block out hurtful situations.
Consequently, this year, I have no "walls" and no anti-depressants. The tears are flowing like crazy. I also have a family and a child now and am sad that I am moving on in life while she was robbed of that opportunity. I'm also disappointed that it feels like I'm taking steps backwards... time heals, right? It's been seven years and (right now at this very moment) it feels like it was yesterday. It's nice to see that I'm not alone and there are other people out there that can relate to this specific type of loss.
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Hi Amber,
Oh how awful. having a best friend die -- regardless how -- is awful. Having her murdered is just beyond what we expect to happen to those we know. I have no words of wisdom for you; ;none would be useful, I'm sure. I do believe that the body handles grief in its own way, in its own time. If its taken til now, then that's just what you needed. Yes, it may be the lack of medication, the change of your relationship. Regardless why, be glad you are feeling the sadness and horror now. She was your friend and she deserves to be mourned. And, she deserves to be remembered for all the wonders of your friendship.
I've mentioned before in my blogs that this particular article has struck more nerves than any other topic. I hear more about this than all of my hundreds of other articles together (well, almost).
It has given me the idea that I will offer a free teleseminar for those of you who have written me -- and others -- on this topic.
I will get back to you when I have info.
Feel free to contact me if you want.
Regards,
Karen
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I just want to give you my sincere condolences in your raw grief. I can only imagine what you feel about your friend being murdered when I went to the abused centre for women and we made a glove for each and every member of a woman who came through our door. They were all murdered by their significant other. I feel such rage tying this. I hope you can write letters to her in a book that will help you grieve well. Remember: you will never get over this trauma but you will eventually learn to live with it. God bless hon. Peace & Love be with you always. Lorraine Tauson
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I just recently lost my best friend. She was only 29 and died from cancer, after battling 2 years, going through 2 bone marrow transplants. This was the only friend I had left from high school, she was just like my sister. We have been there for each other through everything and even though I didn't feel like I was there for her like she was for me, she would write me cards and letter and mail them to me, thanking me for being there for her during hard times. She has had some major medical issues since her daughther was born 6 years ago with several handicaps. She took care of her 24/7 and could not work(she was a hair stylist).She also has a 11yr old son. In these last 2 years since she was sick, I have always thought about her death, how I would cope if I lost her, always thinking it would never happen though. Now that it has, I feel like if I didn't have my husband and 2 kids of my own, I would just crawl into a hole(preferably the hole she is in now) and just lay there till I die. I can't even imagine life going on without her, even though it has for these past 2 months. I'm ashamed of myself for not goig to see her in the hospital more(she had been in the hosp since aug 2010 and died march 2011) or helping out with the kids more, like I said I would. She was there when I had my 2 babies, she even helped me get my first bath after I had a gruesome labor/c-section after my first, only a true friend would do that. I still think she is in birmingham, and I start to make plans to go see her, which is 1hr away from my house. I start to call her or her mom to see how she is feeling today. That is when it hurts the most. I call her cell phone(which was given to her son but still has her voice mail on it)to listen to her voice because I'm scared I have forgotten what she sounds like. I know this is the same pain I will feel when I lose my mom or one of my own siblings. I have lost family, and it hurt. This is on a whole different level. I don't want to resort to taking anti-depressants. It just hurts so bad, my body physicially hurts when I think of the suffering she went through. Her birthday is coming up this month. We was in panama city,fla last year for her birhtday, because we didn't know what would happen with her. We was suppose to be going on a celebration trip this summer to celebrate her beating it and getting well!!! Wish I could really be planning that trip!!! I just need prayers from everyone please!!! I like to write cause I can express how I feel better than through talking out loud, so I do feel a little better just getting these words out! I told Bridget "To the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world!" I love her and will miss her forever, I accept that the hurt will never go away.
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I am so sorry to hear this. Any friend dying is hard, and especially hard when it is your closest friend, when she has gone through so much over the years, and when you are left feel guilt over what you had wanted to do for and with her, but never did.
There's not much anyone can say to make you feel better. In fact, you probably can't feel better -- at least not for a long while. You miss her, of course; you love her. Anti-depressants are not going to make the loss and sadness any better. (there is a difference between being depressed and grieving; the latter eventually moves to a more manageable place inside).
There are some things you can do that might ease the pain somewhat. For one, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. You obviously did the best you could do. And, as you suggest, if you knew she would be dying, you would have done things differently.
One technique that might help is to make a list of all the ways in which you feel you let her down, things that cause you to feel guilty. Make sure you write down everything you can think of. Then, write her a letter, telling her.
Only then, you can have her write you back. You know her well enough, so you could write the letter from her to you, in response to your letter. From what you say, she will surely forgive you, understand why you couldn't do more.
There's no guarentee, but often this helps with the guilt. And, if the guilt dissipates, then the depression will lift, leaving you only with the normal amount of sadness at losing someone you love.
One other thought. You mentioned you have lost other people -- I presume you mean people who died. If so, you might consider that any new loss stirs up the old ones. There may be some unresolved issues with those who have already died. If this is true, you probably could benefit from seeing a therapist. This is hard to clear up on your own.
If I can be of help, don't hesitate to contact me again.
Karen
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It has been a year since my best friend of 30 years passed and I am still having a tough time. You see I was her caretaker for two and a half years.All appointments, all treatments, all care. you see she had lost her spouse twenty years ago and for whatever reasons, her grown children could not or would not handle it.Her Mother yrs old bless her did the cleaning, laundry, meals and stayed some nights I could not.
There were four best friends in this group, we had the best times ever! But when the good times started to fade one left never to be again, she did manage to make it to the funeral, so I guess I really lost 2 best friends.
Why do people have to make it all about their pain and how hard it is for them?
I've done a lot of the grieving and am getting better but lately I am so angry with the deserters, her children especially, I would beg her daughter to come more, to help more to no avail.
The Best friend that deserted would want me to call her after every appt. every test actually order me to. After a year of this I refused and told her if she wanted to know how Sheryl was she should call her, stop by to see her, drop off a favorite food. I never saw her again till the funeral a year later. Though when the Dr. told us it was time to call hospice I called & left a message telling her we were calling hospice and if she wanted to see her now would be a good time, she did stop in a month later and told Sheryl she would be back soon...Sheryl passed a month after never to see her again.
My husband has been so great with all of this. He even tries to do things with me that we used to do together
I had no idea it would rock my world this much with her gone...We were supposed to be 80yrs old together, more travels, more girl weekends, much more laughs. I do have simple friends but Sheryl was a real friend and I have come to find those are a once in a lifetime kind of friend we were "Oprah and Gail"
The day before she passed Iwas giving her the meds, she was in lala land so I thought, I took her hand and said"I will miss you so much my friend" and without missing a beat, eyes closed, she whispered "And Oh How I'll miss you"
I know she had the best care, we laughed more than we cried, we planned her send off and I carried it out to the T. But now I am filled with this anger at how these people could desert such a wonderful Mother and friend, I think I need some help.
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Oh, my, Debra. I am so sad and so very happy for you, both. Sad, of course, that you lost such a dear friend. Happy that you laughed more than you cried; that you were there for her, that she gave back to you the last day; that you could be such a dear friend for so long and have such a dear friend for so long.
I can certainly understand your anger – anger at her dying, and more so at those who did not give to her as you knew she needed. It’s hard to understand why some people stay when a dear friend is dying and others pull away. I have no idea about her children (that’s their family issues, I suspect). And, for your friend who deserted her, I again suspect something about loss was tough for her. You, as tough as it was, had what it took to stay with her and reap the benefits of the year of laughs, confidences, closeness. That’s your treasure.
If you would like to talk more about the anger and how to deal with it, do contact me again.
Continue to cherish your friend.
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My best friend of 6 years died at the end of last June. She was only 18 and I had just celebrated my 19th birthday with her just weeks before she passed away. She had just had a baby in January. We were best friends through puberty and growing up. We had spent the night before her wreck together, watching the midnight showing of Eclipse, from the Twilight Saga. The last things she told me were that she hadnt been sleeping that great and she told me that she had something important to tell me after the movie. I had dragged my boyfriend along to the movie, she brought her ex husband, the father of her baby with her. Five minutes before the movie was over she nudged me and told me they were leaving to beat the traffic. My boyfriend and I finished the movie out. I can still remember seeing their car drive by and leave. That was the last time I ever saw my best friend.
The next morning I kept getting calls from her mom. I ignored them and texted her and told her to get her butt home. (see her mom thought she was staying with me). I tried calling and texting her and her ex, as the calls from her mom continued. Then I got a call from her sister, who said "Hey Dannah, Bre was in an accident and she didnt make it." My heart broke. But no tears fell. We talked a minute more then for some reason my mother came into my room and asked what all the commotion was about. I couldnt even get the words out to tell her. The next three days were a blur of tears, waterproof mascara and black. Even a year and a few months later I dont feel like im properly grieving. She was the first person that has ever died in my life. All four of my grandparents are still alive. Ive never lost anyone. And so unexpected and suddenly. I feel like I lost that one person who knew every single thing about me, I feel like she was my right hand. Im lost without her and I will never know what she had to tell me that night. Its tough, her baby was barely five months old when she passed away. She will never get to know how great her momma was, sure she will hear stories but she will never really know her.
I cant wait to try out your little tips though. They are my last hope before therapy, so im crossing my fingers that they'll work cause I dont have time for therapy with school and work. Thankyou for this, I really needed to read it. (:
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Oh my, I can see how upsetting this has to be for you. Not just losing your best friend, having been with her just before she died, fielding calls from her mom (thinking you are being supportive to your friend), and on top of all that -- never getting to know what she was going to tell you. That's a lot for anyone, especially for someone who has never had to deal with the grief of losing a loved one.
Do try the exercises, but I suspect you may want to find time to see a grief counselor. Even if you can't afford therapy, there are probably places in your town that offer grief counseling, hospital or client based. It's been 1 1/4 years, and if it's not getting any easier, don't drag on your pain. Seek professional help.
Would keeping connected to her baby be a help to you? Or, would it be more painful?
I am so sorry you have to have experienced this, and sorry you lost your best friend.
Karen
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Less than a week ago I lost my best friend. She turned 29 on Sept 15. Her cause of death was defined as heart failure. She had no underlying health issues. I was the last to speak to her and it is haunting me. She was always the one that I could tell anything to. I miss her with all my heart. I cant seem to get through this. I have lost any faith or belief in any god because if there were a true god, she would still be here. I dont understand why, with all of the drug dealers and child molesters and murderers, she was taken. She was the kindest, sweetest, most caring person. The only belief I have is she gave and gave from her heart and that her heart just couldnt hold out. Im never going to get past this. Please help.
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Oh dear. That has to be just awful for you -- the suddenness, no preparation, and she was so young.
I can see how it would shake any belief you have. You need to be kind to yourself (as she would want), and give yourself plenty of time to heal. It's only been a week, you say. Cry, think about her, about your experiences together, talk to people about her. Write, maybe even a letter to her (that, of course, you can't send, but she may know you are doing it), letting her know how special she has been. And, in time, you'll find a way to put her presence in your life into some perspective, to know what you will carry from her with you.
And, what a lovely thing to say -- her heart gave out from having given so much love to others.
You will get past this place you are right now. You will find a way to still incorporate her into your life. Do not, though, expect the grief to go away anytime soon. Months, maybe a full year. If you find yourself not able to take care of your daily life, seek out a grief therapist. That really can help cut the grieving time.
But, remember, you owe it to her to allow yourself to grieve.
One sad irony for me is that of all the hundreds of articles I have written, I have gotten more responses from the one about losing a best friend than all the others combined. If you haven't seen that, go to my blog and read some of them (and my comments).
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