How To QTIP!

        I’m not talking about the Johnson &Johnson cotton tips at two ends of a stick; you know, the one that cleans outyour ears.

        I’m talking about a QTIP that can cleanout your self-blame. (See my newest book, Why Don’t You Understand? A GenderRelationship Dictionary.)

        QTIP stands for Quit Taking It Personally.  Women, married and single, take note: it is a vital tool to use in your relationships.  We women have been nursed on the need to take care of relationships and if there is aproblem, it’s somehow our fault if we don’t fix it.  The honoring of this message can pull at a woman's self-esteem, especially as she relates to the opposite sex.

        Research actually does show that when there is a problem or situation, a man is likely to blame the other person while the woman blames herself.

        So, what does this look like?  Tell me if you recognize this silly example –that does happen through the country.

        Fred accidently knocks a drinking glass off the kitchen counter.  He either ignores the fact that he just broke your favorite glass or he asks (demands?) why you put the glass there.  Or, chides that the glass should never have been on the counter in that spot.  

        Sound silly?  Well, yes. Even he might admit that, if he took the time to look at the situation.

        But, equally as silly is Laurice, who is minding her own business, standing in line at the grocery store.  The person behind her (it doesn’t matter if man or woman) accidently bumps into her, and Laurice automatically responds, "I'm sorry."  If you pay close attention, you'll see that throughout the week, you probably say, "I'm sorry," several times –mostly having nothing to do with anything that you did to warrant being sorry.

        Deborah Tannen, in You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, found in her research on language that in situations like the one with Laurice, when women say "I'm sorry," what they really mean is, "I'm sorry you are in this situation."

        Far to many relationship arguments (between romantically involved men and women, as well as between siblings) occur because women unnecessarily personalize the man's comments, instead of telling themselves to QTIP.  A man may be venting, but if the woman takes it personally, it can escalate an ember into a flaming conflagration.

        So, women, write down these 4 letters and paste them on your mirrors, desks, even your car dashboard.