It’s the day after Valentine’s Day.  Was it a good day for you?  Was it a day you looked forward to with pleasure or one you hid from?  Or, was it just the 14^th day of the 2^nd month of the year – just one other winter day?

In my February Newsletter, I write about “Getting Through Valentine’s Day – Married or Single.”  If you are married or in a committed relationship, you may have your dreams of the day fulfilled.  Or, you may be perpetually disappointed because your partner doesn’t take it as seriously as you.   

If you are not married or not in a committed relationship,you may have felt the day was like having salt rubbed in your open wound of not having a partner.  Or, you may have used the day to show your friends and family how much you value them.   

I suppose I am lucky. To me, it is just another day.  Like Mother’s or Father’s Day, I don’t need a particular day to show how I care about those I care about.  But, that’s not typical, I know.  I don’t care about cards or gifts; It’s the people in my life that I care about – and I am reminded of that daily.

Unfortunately, for those that Do care, especially single women who wish they had a man, a book came out just before Valentine’s Day that rubs salt into their man-less wound.  The book, basically telling women to suck it up and just get married – so you won’t be alone, got far more attention than it should have by a glowing review in the New York Times.   

What is this book? Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb, a 42 year old woman who is a single mother, author, journalist and commentator on NPR.  I can’t comment directly on the book because I haven’t read it, not wanting to financially support the book.  But, I did read her original article last year that is the basis of her book.

Too much of my work as a therapist is helping single women NOT feel badly about being single, about being appropriately choosey.   I don’t have a problem with Gottlieb being sorry now that she passed up men when she was in her twenties that she found boring or unappealing.  But, I DO have a problem that she is telling other women they should feel bad about that. And, they should now lower what I see as appropriate standards, just so they can find a man and not be alone.

(I see the result of those who have violated their own standards just to get married as they come to me later for marriage or divorce therapy!)

Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After wrote a comment not to be missed.  In her LivingSingle Blog she critiques Gottlieb’s premise, relying on her extensive research about singles.  

Another very thoughtful and respectful to women review is by Liesl Schillinger, in the DailyBeast.  It is entitled “Give Up on Mr.Perfect?”  I was going to give you a summary, but it’s worth reading it yourself!  

Lori Gottlieb has obviously not ready my book, With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives,especially Chapter 9: Men! Clarifying Your Thinking About Them.  Among other things, for women who do want to be with a man, I make the distinction between what they want in a man as opposed to what they want from a man.  Your requirements shouldn’t’ be about him,rather they should be about you – what you need from him.   

Some women are so focused on finding a man or in wanting to please him that they fail to identify what they need from him. Yet, if you don’t know,you won’t be aware of you aren’t getting it. So, instead of wanting him to be kind, you may only want to be with a man who is kind.  Is that toying with words?  No.  It’s changing the focus from him to you.  (You can get a free copy of “Your Needs List” to help think through what is important for you.)  

Why pay any attention to this new book?  Why even bother to mention it?  Because for decades now women have struggled to counter the blame for not having a man, to deny any part of them that would not be “acceptable” to finding a man.  

I’m concerned; Gottlieb’s message is harmful for women.  It increases the potential for self-blame and tells them to place less value on themselves; they need a man, so go get one. 

There are lots of good books out there for single women.  The best  Valentine’s Gift you can give yourself is to IGNORE THIS BOOK!