TREAT YOUR GOOD FRIENDS AS YOU WOULD A LOVER/SPOUSE
In my monthly newsletter , I have an article about the importance of cleaning up issues between friends, rather than sweeping problems under the rug. I tell how Bonnie was upset at Ann, and how Anne wrote a response -- accepting responsibility and sharing her version of the problem.
Here, are two different responses that Bonnie could have made. The first is inflammatory, accusatory, and does nothing to help work out the problem with Anne. The second letter is an example of a “good confrontation” that keeps friendships healthy and loving.
Dear Anne,
I got your letter. What were you expecting? You write me, telling me it’s my fault that you forgot my 40th birthday, and then think everything will be honkey-dory? No, I’m still angry at you. You shouldn’t have forgotten. If you cared about me, you wouldn’t have forgotten. So that’s a clear indication our friendship is not important to you.
And then you have the nerve to blame your inconsiderate forgetfulness on me – on my having to call you a year later to ask for my pocketbook. Sorry, but I do not think your forgetting my birthday can be blamed on your being silently angry at me for wanting my purse back. I distinctly remember telling you to send it whenever you got around to it. This is just another example of how you are always inconsiderate.
Bonnie
There are a number of problems with this letter. The primary one is that it leaves no door open for a further exchange. It blames Anne, ignores the fact that she did take responsibility for being mean to Bonnie, and it discounts the possibility there was a miscommunication about the purse. Further it has one of the “absolute” words (like always, never) which is fatal to good communication.
Finally, to be heard and taken seriously, a letter (or verbal communication) needs to come from the “I” position. For example, I feel; I believe; from my point of view, I saw it this way.
The following letter is a good example of trying to move past being hurt by a friend while still being honest about your feelings.
Dear Anne,
Thank you for caring enough about our friendship to sort this out with me. I appreciate your awareness of how mean you were to me. It felt good knowing you could understand how hurt and angry I was at your forgetting my 40th.
I don’t know what to do about my feelings. My 40th was special and you weren’t there for me. I know you were aware how import it was. If you were angry at me, I wish you had separated the two issues – told me about your anger and still have wished me Happy Birthday.
I understand though, you were not consciously aware of being angry at me.
I value our friendship, but I don’t know how to get past my hurt. (Your letter helped me past my anger, but I’m still hurt you weren’t there on my big day.) I know it’s important we talk about this, not overlook it, as apparently we both have done with other issues.
From my perspective, we don’t have to keep harping back to this. What’s done is done. I can’t get back my birthday. We’ll just have to let that one ride. I am old enough to understand friends can sometimes hurt each other even when they don’t mean to. I just hope we don’t let old stuff simmer any more. The consequences are too serious.
As far as my purse, I can accept we had different understandings about it. (Even though my understanding is more right!) That one I can let go of easily.
Thanks for telling me your version of what happened.
For me too, our friendship is important. It may take some time for me to let go of the hurt, but our talking about this is helping.
Love, Bonnie
Sometimes one round of letters is sufficient to resolve misunderstandings and hurts. Many times, though, the issues are more complex and take more back and forth letters.
Here are some guidelines to keep in mind as you write (or talk) to your friend – for however many rounds you need to resolve the issue. (Note that Bonnie’s first letter violated most of these guidelines.)
1. Validate the other person’s feelings
2. Try to understand the situation from inside the other person’s shoes.
3. Take responsibility for your part; explain if you want, but be clear that an explanation
is not an excuse.
4. Do not be defensive in your comments.
5. Do not attack the other person.
6. Try to offer a solution or a next step.
7. End with a statement of caring.
Here, are two different responses that Bonnie could have made. The first is inflammatory, accusatory, and does nothing to help work out the problem with Anne. The second letter is an example of a “good confrontation” that keeps friendships healthy and loving.
Dear Anne,
I got your letter. What were you expecting? You write me, telling me it’s my fault that you forgot my 40th birthday, and then think everything will be honkey-dory? No, I’m still angry at you. You shouldn’t have forgotten. If you cared about me, you wouldn’t have forgotten. So that’s a clear indication our friendship is not important to you.
And then you have the nerve to blame your inconsiderate forgetfulness on me – on my having to call you a year later to ask for my pocketbook. Sorry, but I do not think your forgetting my birthday can be blamed on your being silently angry at me for wanting my purse back. I distinctly remember telling you to send it whenever you got around to it. This is just another example of how you are always inconsiderate.
Bonnie
There are a number of problems with this letter. The primary one is that it leaves no door open for a further exchange. It blames Anne, ignores the fact that she did take responsibility for being mean to Bonnie, and it discounts the possibility there was a miscommunication about the purse. Further it has one of the “absolute” words (like always, never) which is fatal to good communication.
Finally, to be heard and taken seriously, a letter (or verbal communication) needs to come from the “I” position. For example, I feel; I believe; from my point of view, I saw it this way.
The following letter is a good example of trying to move past being hurt by a friend while still being honest about your feelings.
Dear Anne,
Thank you for caring enough about our friendship to sort this out with me. I appreciate your awareness of how mean you were to me. It felt good knowing you could understand how hurt and angry I was at your forgetting my 40th.
I don’t know what to do about my feelings. My 40th was special and you weren’t there for me. I know you were aware how import it was. If you were angry at me, I wish you had separated the two issues – told me about your anger and still have wished me Happy Birthday.
I understand though, you were not consciously aware of being angry at me.
I value our friendship, but I don’t know how to get past my hurt. (Your letter helped me past my anger, but I’m still hurt you weren’t there on my big day.) I know it’s important we talk about this, not overlook it, as apparently we both have done with other issues.
From my perspective, we don’t have to keep harping back to this. What’s done is done. I can’t get back my birthday. We’ll just have to let that one ride. I am old enough to understand friends can sometimes hurt each other even when they don’t mean to. I just hope we don’t let old stuff simmer any more. The consequences are too serious.
As far as my purse, I can accept we had different understandings about it. (Even though my understanding is more right!) That one I can let go of easily.
Thanks for telling me your version of what happened.
For me too, our friendship is important. It may take some time for me to let go of the hurt, but our talking about this is helping.
Love, Bonnie
Sometimes one round of letters is sufficient to resolve misunderstandings and hurts. Many times, though, the issues are more complex and take more back and forth letters.
Here are some guidelines to keep in mind as you write (or talk) to your friend – for however many rounds you need to resolve the issue. (Note that Bonnie’s first letter violated most of these guidelines.)
1. Validate the other person’s feelings
2. Try to understand the situation from inside the other person’s shoes.
3. Take responsibility for your part; explain if you want, but be clear that an explanation
is not an excuse.
4. Do not be defensive in your comments.
5. Do not attack the other person.
6. Try to offer a solution or a next step.
7. End with a statement of caring.
Posted by Karen Gail Lewis at 5/5/2010 8:52 PM 
Categories: women
Tags: women friendships good arguments women friendships
Categories: women
Tags: women friendships good arguments women friendships
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