Thoughts on being a Single Woman who is Smart
Barbara Payne, from SWWAN , sent me an on-line article by Erin Meanley, called "31 things I wish I'd known about dating when I was 21." Meanley is a dating blogger and looks back on what she has learned about dating. A few of the things are really striking:
- You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.
- What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is "him," that's a bad deal for you.
- "The woman gives herself; the man adds to himself by taking her" (de Beauvoir 659).
- Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don't express them because you think it will scare him away, then you're saying you don't count as much as he does.
- Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.
For those of you who are way over 30, some of this may be old hat, but there could be some good reminders in there.
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On another note, Ruth Marcus, from the Washington Post , wrote a very poignant article about President Obama's nominee for Supreme Court Justice, Elana Kagan. It's called (at least, when it ran in the Cincinnati Enquirer) "She's not gay. She's just smart."
Because Kagan is not married and shows no interest in meeting men, the assumption by too many people with nothing more important in their life is to wag that she must be gay.
If she's not interested in men, that is the only possible explanation.
So many women have written me about this same concern -- society, or mothers, or friends question their sexual orientation just because they are not married or dating men.
What is missing from all of this absurd discussion is the "why." Why Kagan or you are not dating? Perhaps it has to do with the absence of a man worth spending your time with?
Perhaps it has to do with the men you are meeting are not coming up to a basic standard of what will enhance your evening -- not just please his?
I know nothing about Kagan, but I certainly hear from so many women who say men are intimated by their intelligence and professional success.
Well, women, despite all the tongue waggers, that's not your fault. You are wise to only consider being with a man who adds to you, not one who is afraid of you or who wants to "suck" off of you."
What do I mean by that? A number of women with full lives and high energy tell me that men are attracted to them -- for these reasons. They lack their own full life and high energy, so they get "high" off of yours.
It's initially flattering for a woman, but it wears thin quickly. You want a man who brings his own full life and his own energy. It's too much to have to carry it for two! Plus, what do you get out of it? The relationship should feed you as well as him. Remember what Meanley says, "Your wants and needs are just as important as his."
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