Inside Your Bossy Sibling's Shoes
A few months ago, I met with three siblings, in their 40s and 50s. I'll call them, from youngest to oldest, Abby, Benjamin, and Clarise. Their oldest, Dora refused to come in. Here's what happened.
Abby called, requesting the appointment because the four of them were fighting about their mother's care. "Most of the time," she said, "we get along ok. We stay away from anything that would cause arguments, and besides, we really don't see each other very often."
For the last year, Mother has been living with Dora, who takes full responsibility for her. The others have offered help; they've suggested Dora hire an aide so she wouldn't be so tied down; they would take turns being with Mother so Dora and her husband can get away; Mother could come live with one of them; and lots of other ideas. Dora has refused all help, but is now complaining about the stress as Mother slowly declines.
All four were invited to the session; all but Dora showed up. In this one very long session, a lot of things happened that helped them move from seeing Dora as Bossy, controlling and mean. A full summary of what happened that turned these siblings from quarrelers to co-workers will be available in my Newsletter coming out first week of June.
Here, I'll just mention two things that were important. One is letting the angry siblings talk about their feelings, their resentment, all the bad things they are and have been feeling about the Bossy Sibling -- from childhood and adulthood. They have to feel heard and their feelings have to be validated before they can even consider thinking about the other's feelings.
Only then can they try to see what may be underneath the Bossy Sibling's behaviors. Using a phrase from my Gender Relationship Dictionary, they have to be able to switch shoes, to see from inside that sibling's perspective what the world looks like.
This story about Abby, Benjamin, Claarise, and Dora is a good example of how siblings can find options for handling tough situations, with the potential of a better relationship down the road.
Abby called, requesting the appointment because the four of them were fighting about their mother's care. "Most of the time," she said, "we get along ok. We stay away from anything that would cause arguments, and besides, we really don't see each other very often."
For the last year, Mother has been living with Dora, who takes full responsibility for her. The others have offered help; they've suggested Dora hire an aide so she wouldn't be so tied down; they would take turns being with Mother so Dora and her husband can get away; Mother could come live with one of them; and lots of other ideas. Dora has refused all help, but is now complaining about the stress as Mother slowly declines.
All four were invited to the session; all but Dora showed up. In this one very long session, a lot of things happened that helped them move from seeing Dora as Bossy, controlling and mean. A full summary of what happened that turned these siblings from quarrelers to co-workers will be available in my Newsletter coming out first week of June.
Here, I'll just mention two things that were important. One is letting the angry siblings talk about their feelings, their resentment, all the bad things they are and have been feeling about the Bossy Sibling -- from childhood and adulthood. They have to feel heard and their feelings have to be validated before they can even consider thinking about the other's feelings.
Only then can they try to see what may be underneath the Bossy Sibling's behaviors. Using a phrase from my Gender Relationship Dictionary, they have to be able to switch shoes, to see from inside that sibling's perspective what the world looks like.
This story about Abby, Benjamin, Claarise, and Dora is a good example of how siblings can find options for handling tough situations, with the potential of a better relationship down the road.
Posted by Karen Gail Lewis at 5/23/2010 3:57 PM 
Categories: Siblings
Tags: Siblings aging parents brothers and sisters
Categories: Siblings
Tags: Siblings aging parents brothers and sisters
This is a great read, I really enjoy it because I come from a large family and have faced the same issues. The way your siblings think of you as a child stays the same as adults and can cause problems. I look forward to reading more to see how it all turns out for this family!
Reply to this
Thanks for writing and for your comments. I hadn't thought to write the follow up, but it's a great idea. Will work on it this week.
Stay posted!
Reply to this