Married or single, are you less assertive when you are involved with a man?

Do you give up little pieces of who you really are?  Do you find that when you are not involved with a man (or he is out of town for long periods of time) you are freer?  You feel stronger?  After a break up, do you get more involved in your life?

Many women, when asked this, say, “Absolutely no. That’s not true.”

I believe these women, but I also believe that many women are not even aware how much of themselves, even in little ways, they lose when involved with a man.

Here’s a story from Marlene, a 51 year old woman, married to Carlos for 19 years.  She is self-employed and extremely accomplished.  She is mother to two teenage daughters.

We were having a great time on a driving vacation out west, just the two of us.  Carlos did most of the driving, but one afternoon, I took the wheel.  On one long stretch of road, I decided to drive a bit below the speed limit.  Then to my horror, I heard myself say – to myself – “he won’t like that,” and I resumed the speed limit.

Why did I even care?  It made no sense.  I can make my own decisions about what speed feels safe.  I was horrified, and it got me wondering if I do that about other things without even noticing.

With single women coming out of a relationship, I hear similar stories, like the following one, so often, I now refer to this period as a “renaissance,” meaning the “re-birth,” that occurs when a woman transitions out of a relationship. Here's Chelsea's story:

I was so depressed after Stuart left me.  It took me a while to even be able to go out of the house.  But, I when I forced myself, I found a new energy.  I got started taking dance lessons, returned to Church, and took a literature course at the college.  Now, I am the one to bring my girlfriends together for evenings out and get-aways.

So, here’s a challenge.  Take a close look at yourself during a whole week.  Look beneath the cover of how you see yourself, how others see you?  Are there pieces of yourself, like with Marlene, that sneak out when you’re not looking?  ASre there pieces of yourself that you keep hidden, like with Chelsea?  If you don’t look, you won’t necessarily know, so you won’t know if you are giving away a little piece of yourself, if you need to get that piece back.