It’s curious being a therapist.  I have no idea what happens to people after they leave my office – whether contented or dissatisfied.  I’ve had so many experiences when those I think hated me, contact me years later and say how helpful I was.  They recall comments I made that changed their lives – comments that I have no recollection of having made -- while, my pearls of wisdom got lost in the mud.

I’ve also learned years later that couples who left therapy having made significant changes later divorced.   

Here’s a fun story.  the details may not be exact because we are talking several decades ago.  But, I’ve not lost the essence of this encounter.

Belinda came to her first session telling me how unhappy she was in her marriage.  They’d been married 17 years; it was a second marriage for each.

“I should be happy.  I know he loves me; he’d do anything for me.” She hesitates, “except, he really doesn’t.  There are a number of things that really bother me, but he just ignores them.  Simple things, maybe, but they add up.  For example, about a month ago, I asked him to fix the latch on our front gate.  Not a big deal, right?  He said he’d do it, but days, then weeks went by and I had to keep nagging him.  But, perhaps the worst part is he never talks to me.  He just comes home and crashes.  He keeps saying he’s not a big talker.  But, it’s like we’re just co-existing, two roommates.  

She went on giving me more examples of her not feeling he cares about her.  “Oh sure.  I know he loves me; when I ask, he says yes.  But, his making sure my car is washed and filled with gas, frankly, that doesn’t turn my crank.”  (This was years before I used this same example, having heard it from so many women, in my gender relationship dictionary; doing these concrete types of things for a woman is a man’s way of showing affection.)  

I asked Belinda if she’d consider inviting Conrad to a session.  “Oh, he won’t come.  He doesn’t believe in therapy.”  (Later, when he did come in, I learned he had gone to marital therapy with his first wife which led, he believed, to his divorce.) 

She continues, “Besides, I know he’ll never change.  I just have to decide what I want to do – stay or go.  Wow, I hadn’t realized that’s what I was sitting on, but I guess it is.” 

“I have a suggestion.  Would you tell him I want to meet the man who loves you so much?”

“You got to be kidding.”

“No, you’ve told me that from inside his shoes, he really loves you a lot.  So, I’d like to meet the man who loves you so much.”

I’m sure she left my office that day thinking I was whacko.  I also assumed she would not pass along my message.  But she did, and, not to my surprise, he showed up with her for her next appointment.  He was a man of not many words, but he was curious about this therapist who sent him this message, because, he said, “I do love her very much.  She just doesn’t appreciate me.”

They were a great couple.  They clearly loved each other, but the annoying little details of living together had gotten them so far away from what they valued in each other.  They learned to talk more openly and to listen better.   

Just last week, I had the pleasure of talking to her again.   She reminded me of this exchange (one I barely remember making).  I’m thrilled to report they are still together and doing really well.