Feel Stuck? Invisible Strings May Be Holding You Back
Why not? What holds you back? Many people call themselves lazy. While you may be lazy, that may not be the core issue. Maybe you are scared of success, or worried about family’s reactions, or caught in an invisible string?
Yes, we all have invisible strings that tie us to important people in our lives. Some of these strings may be the silent voice (from parents) you’ve been carrying since childhood. The message may be you will never be successful or you will never be as successful as your brother.
But, actually, there are at least four other people tied to your invisible strings: your husband/partner, one or more of your siblings, your best friend, even your boss. These strings may prevent you from finding your own passion, moving ahead with your dream, daring to risk.
. Another way parents can hold you back is through the roles they assigned each of their little children. think back; were you the comic? the trouble maker? the egg-head? You probably can capture which role was assigned to you and to each of your siblings. Once you become an adult, if you don’t question whether the roles really fits, you may be caught in an erroneous perception of yourself –that is holding you back from your own competence.
In childhood, parents “assign” their children with roles, the clown, trouble maker, athlete, airhead, etc. If your role was the “klutz” and your sister was the “creative” one, it might be hard for you as an adult to accept your own creativity. And, it might be even more difficult if your creative sister was not being creative at this point in her life. Using a height metaphor, it’s like you were always suppose to be shorter than she, so you can’t now grow taller.
The height metaphor may also apply to your husband or partner. This is especially true if he has been tremendously supportive of your new venture, around work or education. Typically, men like being in the mentoring role. But, ironically, if they are successful in helping you, they have worked their way out of their job. Some men are uncomfortable with not being needed; some fear they may be left behind as you professionally grow (through their help).
Then, there could be invisible strings with your best friend preventing you from reaching your full growth, stretching for what you want. There is research supporting the importance of friends in helping (or hindering) each other grow emotionally and lose weight. Women often, unconsciously, won’t risk their friendship to step out further than their friend will go, or to be taller than their friends. In one of my books, I have a story of woman who didn’t take a promotion in same company as her best friend, because she was worried it would ruin their friendship.
And, finally, your boss’s reaction to you may also interfere with your striving for what you want. You boss may have issues with successful women. Or, you may represent what I call a “ghost from childhood” for your boss. He (or she) may be reacting to you as if you were a sibling with whom he has unresolved issues around competence. Or, conversely, you may see your boss as an older sibling, one you are not suppose to be more successful than.
So, how can you break these invisible strings? Know yourself; speak up; be aware of the old messages that lock you into a role that no longer truly fits. To do this may take soul searching, reading self-help books, talking with friends, or attending my Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change. (coming up in November).
Categories: women
Tags: boss siblings husbands relationships self-esteem competence best friend
I just finished reading your comment in regard to the article, "These 3 clues can reveal if husbands are cheating." I guess all of the bases are pretty much covered by the "clues." "Is he being nasty?" (anger), "Is he being nice?" (contentment?), "Is he being normal(! God, forbid!) Once again men are being vilified by the all-knowing power of the scorned woman. As a man, I can tell you we know our lot in life is to kneel at the feet of women like you. We can't win even if we're correct in any given situation. When I've lent a sympathetic ear to a fellow male who is having problems with his wife/girlfriend, I've narrowed my response to the most effective observation I've garnered in my 53 years of observing females. "Women have a defective gene which makes it impossible for them to offer rational or specious responses in the majority of emotional situations. After all, how do you rationalize with an irrational person? You don't, so don't even try. Patronize them until they feel they've won the battle. Then you (we) can go on with our lives and in the end we've won the war." This makes perfect sense to men. This is what I meant by, "Our lot in life." Good luck in preaching to your choir. You can patronize each other in your hate for men.
Hi Rick,
I want to thank you for taking time to write. I barely remember the interview (where was it published?), but I can certainly comment on your comments.
Two things stand out that are very dear to my heart: You talk about women having a defective gene so they can not be rational, and how you believe men must patronize women, agree with them, then get on with your lives.
You say "This makes perfect sense to men." You are right. It does make perfect sense to men. And, women's way of being in the world and how they deal with issues (more emotional than rational) makes perfect sense to women. In my latest book, Why Don't You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary , I talk about these very things. And, I emphasize that it is not that women or men are right and the other is wrong. It really is that women and men use language and shape relationships very differently. Without understanding this, couples often get into horrible conflict with each feeling controlled, and each hating being patronized.
My dictionary explains the 80 words that have different meanings to men and to women. If you were to read it, you may see how men could feel vilified by women and women feel patronized by men.
Neither is necessary. I am definitely not a male hater (I'm actually a female therapist who runs men's therapy groups and appreciated for bridging the two sexes). I do hate seeing men and women get into situations where they are not feeling valued for who they are -- as opposed to who they are not.
Again, thanks for taking the time to write.
Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
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Hi Rick,
I want to thank you for taking time to write. I barely remember the interview (where was it published?), but I can certainly comment on your comments.
Two things stand out that are very dear to my heart: You talk about women having a defective gene so they can not be rational, and how you believe men must patronize women, agree with them, then get on with your lives.
You say "This makes perfect sense to men." You are right. It does make perfect sense to men. And, women's way of being in the world and how they deal with issues (more emotional than rational) makes perfect sense to women. In my latest book, Why Don't You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary, I talk about these very things. And, I emphasize that it is not that women or men are right and the other is wrong. It really is that women and men use language and shape relationships very differently. Without understanding this, couples often get into horrible conflict with each feeling controlled, and each hating being patronized.
My dictionary explains the 80 words that have different meanings to men and to women. If you were to read it, you may see how men could feel vilified by women and women feel patronized by men.
Neither is necessary. I am definitely not a male hater (I'm actually a female therapist who runs men's therapy groups and appreciated for bridging the two sexes). I do hate seeing men and women get into situations where they are not feeling valued for who they are -- as opposed to who they are not.
Again, thanks for taking the time to write.
Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
Reply to this
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my response. A very diplomatically stated response it is. The article I quoted was published in The Providence Journal, Aug. 31 (last night). The report, in which you were quoted quite a bit, was obviously slanted to appeal to women, and just as obviously to put men in a lose-lose position. I mean, how can any person be accused of cheating on their spouse/girlfriend when every conceivable aspect of a person's nature can be construed as cheating? If he treats you nice. If he treats you badly. If he's normal(!). I especially don't understand that last one. If he's normal, he's devious?! Please....Maybe you were misquoted, I don't know. If you were, my apologies for venting (though, as you and I allude, men and women process information differently) . If it was accurate, shame on you for adding fuel to an already volatile subject. That being said, your response does lend itself to you being a polite, kinda nice sounding person. Thanks for the venue. Rick
Most people do think of me as kinda polite, nice sounding person and therapist.
Glad you are using this venue -- that's what it's here for.
karen
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