A male client complained about his wife not wanting sex.  His wife explained it was painful.  He didn’t understand since it had never been painful before.  He took it personally, thinking she was just putting him off.

It’s true, she only mentioned it once, she confessed, afraid he wouldn’t believe her if she winced or cried out in pain.

I have found so many women, married and single, do not speak up clearly, not wanting to hurt or disappoint the man; not wanting embarrass him or have him feel there is something wrong with her.

Constance, a happily married woman of 59, stated, “I used to love making love.   But over the past decade, I started dreading it, making excuses.

Sex, postmenopausal, is different for women, and unless a woman speaks up, the man has no way of knowing that.  For him, the only aging difference he fears is impotence, and he knows that’s not a problem for women.

For women, the loss of estrogen/testosterone can cause decrease of desire and vaginal fluids.  Less desire means you may not be so eager to initiate or even respond when the man reaches for you.  The loss of fluids means it hurts!

Sorry women, but it really is up to you to speak up, to inform your man what is happening, what you need, and to either come up with a solution or talk together about solutions so you can continue having an enjoyable sex life after menopause.

Here are some ideas for dealing with the decrease in vaginal fluid:

• Visit your gynecologist.  Make sure there are no other issues.  If you don’t have one you are comfortable with, ask your friends.  This is an important person to have in your life, so you should really feel at ease in talking with him or her about your concerns.
  

• Talk to her about your dryness.   As a physician, she will recommend products for you to try.  You are not the only one with this problem. She probably deals with it on a daily basis.
  

• Talk with your partner.  Inform him what you know about the bodily changes and discuss what products you will use and how to use them.  Incorporate the products into your love-making.  (It does not have to be a big production, but it can be a fun accessory.)
  

Here are some ideas for dealing with the decrease in desire:

Women tend to need mental stimulation to get ready to even want sex.  (This is different for most men.)  Even before menopause, women needed to feel a sense of connection with their mate.  They wanted fore-play before the man entered.  Now, that sense of connection is even more important, but that alone may not be enough to stir desire.  They need, what I call “pre-fore-play.”  This is taking an active step in connecting which will get their minds ready to begin thinking about wanting the desire.

Pre-Foreplay can be anything from just talking quietly on the sofa before heading to the bed or taking a walk together – as long as the together time does not deal with children, household problems, money issues, in-laws, or any other topic that causes stress.  

If you feel he is interested in spending time with you and the time together is peaceful, your mind will be focused on him – not the unfolded laundry, the children’s lunch for tomorrow, the clothes at the cleaner, a project at work – you get the idea.