If you are in therapy, of course you hope your therapist has a clear perception of your issues and some good ideas to help you get unstuck or resolve your issues.

But, your therapist is not god, nor is she/he perfect.  So trust yourself.  If it doesn’t feel right, speak up.

Here’s what happened just this past week in my office.

I have been seeing Skye for a while as she struggled to deal with her divorce.  She had worked out a lot about her history that led her to marry Hank and to her part in why the marriage didn’t work.  The part we were currently working on was her need to confront him about his part – and how he handled the divorce.  She was really furious about this while still being crushed by having her marriage fall apart.  She was adamant, though, that their children have two loving parents who could work together for their benefit.  That’s why working out her grief and anger was so important.

She was planning to set up a meeting with him to “tell him how furious I am at him for the way he told me about the divorce.  She left me a note that he was unhappy, leaving, and to expect the divorce papers to be served later that day.”

While we had talked about her anger a lot, in preparation for this meeting, she said she still gets caught when thinking about telling him in person how furious she is at him for that.  “I know the anger is there; I can feel it when I’m trying to fall asleep at night.  But, come morning, I am only in touch with my grief.”

As we talked, it seemed she was afraid if she accessed the degree of her rage, it would come pouring out “like a volcano and never stop.  I want this to be a productive meeting; spewing isn’t.  But, I can’t find the way to say anything because all this hate is churning inside me.”

Being the creative therapist that I am, I immediately came up with a few ways to help her access the rage – while still feeling safe.  We tried some in the room, but we both agreed she was feeling too self-conscious to make it happen.  We concluded that she would do one of the exercises at home – just before she went to bed.  “I think this might really help,” she said.

We set an appointment for the following week, but it would be after she had already met with Hank.   I was so certain this exercise would be helpful that I suggested she call me in 3-4 days to reassure herself – so I thought.

When I got the call, I started to smile, looking forward to hearing about her success, and how empowered she felt (and safe) with her anger.  However, that’s not what happened.

“I tried to do it; I really thought it would be helpful. But, each time I tried, I kept feeling guilty.  I thought it was guilt about being angry.  I found myself feeling sorry for Hank for having to put up with me over these years.

“One night I started crying.  Then, I got it!  There was some more I had to own in my part of the marriage break down before I could get to my anger at him.” 

She started writing and writing.  “The words kept coming out.  I thought I had understood what baggage I brought to the marriage, and how I had not been emotionally there for him – even though he made it hard to do that.  But, that night, I touched on something I had never really acknowledged – even to myself.  I don’t want to discuss it now, but I’ll tell you in detail when we meet.”

Her voice quivered as she continued.  “I need to talk to Hank about this first; I need to own up to this.  Then, maybe in another conversation, I will be free enough to tell him (in a controlled, competent way) how furious I am at the way he told me about the divorce.

Ok.  So I’m not perfect.  But, thank goodness Skye knew herself better and trusted herself not to push what wasn’t right.  Only through that was she able to get to what was underneath.

So, listen to your therapist but listen to yourself even more!