Is your husband your assistant captain of your home, or, are you and he co-captains? 

So often I hear women say some version of: “My husband is helpful;  he’ helps me with whatever I ask him to do.”

So, if a wife wants his help with the laundry or cleaning, taking the kids to their sports practice, preparing for a party, she is pleased when he is agreeable.

Some women, though, are resentful they even have to ask.  As, Bethany says, “We both wear clothes; we both want the kids to play soccer; we both have kids who need babysitters when we go out.  Why is it just assumed it’s my job, not just to remember what must be done and to do these tasks, but even to ‘think’ about the tasks that need doing?  Herb knows the kids need lunches made each day, yet it doesn’t occur to him to think about getting them made.  If I ask him to do it, he’s very gracious and accommodating.  Swell.  I’m delighted about that, but geez, why do I have to be the one in charge of thinking."

Men won’t think about thinking about these things as long as women are willing to do all the thinking.  So, if you don't want him as an assistant but as a full co-captain, it's up to you to raise the issue and direct the discussion.  He probably won't think about it.  After all, he graciously does what you ask.  He will, though, understand the concept of being your assistant vs being co-equal.

It's obvious the benefit for you, but the drawback to this is that if he is co-captain, you no longer have final say about what they eat for lunch or any of the myriad of other decisions you automatically make -- without consulting him. 

Bethany finally talked with Herb and they decided it would work better if they divided up areas of responsibility.  That meant, being responsible for thinking about as well as doing the task.  They concluded that Herb would take responsibility for the lunches; they would alternate finding baby sitters; divide up kitchen and cleaning tasks; Bethany would have full charge of buying and cooking food. 

“Herb used to think my job was inside the house and his was outside.  We never talked about that; he just made that assumption and I went along with it.  Not any more.  I think we both feel better about our co-equal ship.