Did You Marry Your Sibling?

“Of course not,” you say.  Since we’re a psychologically sophisticated society, you continue, “Everyone knows you marry the parent of the opposite sex.”

Well that’s true some of the time.  But, it’s also true that some of the time you choose to marry your sibling.   In fact, you could even say that your early childhood sibling relationship was your “first marriage.”

Let me explain:  If you have a sibling within 4 years of age, when you were little (pre-school little), your relationship actually was a laboratory for marriage.  It’s where you learned (or didn’t learn) to start, resolve, and avoid fights.  Where you learned (or didn’t learn) to compete, save face, negotiate, cooperate.  You learned (or didn’t learn) to move between loving and fighting and back to loving again, when to exert your power and when to withdraw.  And, if you had less physical power, you learned (or didn’t learn) to draw upon other skills to “get even” -- skills such as humor, manipulation, blackmail, tattling, bartering – and lots more.

When you think about what you learned, or didn’t learn, back in your first living together peer relationship, you can see how many of those same issues come up in all subsequent love relationships.  Many of the skills you learned (or didn’t learn) back then are how you deal (or don’t deal) with problems you now encounter in your adult love relationships. 

We tend to recreate our history.  And then we choose someone who allows us to recreate the (emotionally) difficult parts of our history.  For instance, if you felt consistently belittled in your early childhood by a sibling, you may be surprised to find yourself with someone who, after the glow of the relationship wears off, leaves you feeling belittled.  

So, in a quiet moment, think about what annoys you, what makes you feel less than good about yourself, where you let go of your competence, or other aspects of what you feel in your relationship.  Think about what annoys you about your spouse?  Then, ask if the feelings you have are familiar. 

That’s the first part.  If you find a familiarity, then ask yourself how old you feel in those moments.  Sometimes, that is a short-cut way to figure out why you are reacting in ways you don’t like in yourself.

Once you recognize the connect, the second part, is to remind yourself that you are no longer the 8 year old who tried so hard to please a big brother, but never felt you were successful.   Or, you don’t have to be controlling in your marriage, because you no longer the bossy big sister being asked to be in charge of an irresponsible younger sibling.