Is there tension between you and your sister or brother?  Do you wish you could be closer, but she (or he) won't talk with you, is short or snappy.  You don't understand, but you know you want it to be different.  Have you tried reaching out and always getting rebuffed.   Well, there may be a different way to approach her.  Is it possible she feels hurt or rebuffed by you?  Even if you aren't aware of what you have done?

And, even if you know you both have reasons to be angry at or hurt by the other, you want her to understand what she did to you.  Everyone wants to feel heard.  But, it is hard to hear another persons’ complaints about you if you don’t feel your side is being heard.  Unfortunately, everyone wants to feel heard first, so that means someone has to listen first.  If you are initiating this effort with your siblings, you need to be prepared to hear your siblings’ complaints about you before you speak your concerns.  You have a better chance of being heard if your siblings feels you have heard them, that you understand why they feel the way they do, how you have hurt or angered them.    

PREPARATION:

1.     Make a list of all of your complaints about your brother or sister.

2.     Make a list of the list you imagine your brother or sister would make about you.

 3.     Write a letter (not to be sent) to yourself – as if from your sibling -- about these complaints.  Make sure your sibling “tells” you how angry she or he is as well as how hurt.  Use specific examples.

 4.     See if you learn something new by doing this to help you understand the problems from your sibling’s perspective.

 5.     Now, write a letter (not to be sent) to your sibling about your complaints.  Make sure you express how angry you are as well as how hurt.  Use specific examples.

 6.     Put both letters to the side – for the time being.

           NOW, YOU ARE READY TO APPROACH YOUR SIBLING

7.     Write your sibling (even if you live in the same city), saying you are unhappy about your relationship.  You would like things to be better.  So, to help you understand the problem from his or her perspective, you invite a letter explaining the problem as he or she sees it.

 8.     When you get a return letter – before you react to what has been said about you -- respond to how your sibling must feel – given his or her perspective of the problem.  (Even if your sibling has the story entirely wrong, only respond to the feelings.  Remember, you’ll have your turn later.)

 9.     Chances are you’ll get a response to your empathetic letter.

    10. Now is the time for you to write your perspective.  Using your   

         letter from above (#3), edit it so it is clear you are talking from 

          how you experienced the situation.  Do not tell your sibling

          what he or she did wrong, only how it felt to be on your side of

          what happened.

    11. You can continue writing back and forth, using these “I Statements.” 

    12. At some point, you may want to suggest meeting to talk in

         person.  But, don’t rush that.  The problems took a long time to

         evolve, so give yourself time to resolve them.

    13. Consider a sibling weekend retreat to help get into more depth

         about the causes and how to get past the problems

        (www.UniqueRetreatsForSiblings.com).