“I can’t stand it,” she screamed.  “If it’s not one thing it’s another.  He drops his dirty clothes where ever he is.   He promised to paint the back steps two weeks ago.  He was late for a doctor’s meeting we had scheduled.  He talks to me like I’m his maid.  I could go on and on.”

No, Emma is not talking about her teenage son.  She’s referring to her husband.  Emma has lots of reasons to be angry at Paul.  But, she hates to be constantly complaining about him, and especially complaining to him. 

Emma is like many women:  you have an on-going list of disappointments, complaints, and hurts about the important man in your life.   But, mentioning each of them is a real downer  -- for him and for you.

Rather than complain each time something bothers you, or worse, stuffing your annoyances because you don’t want to always be complaining, here’s a better option.  You’ll feel less like a nag, and you may actually get better results.  And, you for sure, you’ll feel less angry at him.   

Part 1: Do your homework first

 a.   For 1-2 weeks, write down every complaint that comes to mind.  He didn’t call when he was going to be late; he forgot your son’s soccer game; he never asks about your day.  Everything.

 b.   Now, categorize them.  You’ll find with even a list of 15-20 items, a number of them fall into similar themes, e.g., disrespect, forgetfulness.  Chances are, these 15-20 items may all fit into 3 or 4 themes.   And, you may feel less overwhelmed when all of your dissatisfactions are really only 3 or 4. 

 c.   Now, in thinking about talking with him, you can think about the themes – not each individual complaint.

 Part 2:  Talk with him

Set a specific time each week when you two can address that are of concern to either of you.  This gives him permission to raise a concern -- since men tend to ignore things until a tipping point when they blow up. This is a typical gender difference.

By having this discussion every week, you can let go of the anger at each moment because you know when you’ll have a chance to address the issue.

Emma said, “I thought this was going to be a waste of time, keeping that list.  I had no idea what you meant by categorizing.  I certainly did not believe I’d actually feel less angry and happier around him having to hold on to my anger for that one day a week.  But, I was amazed.  It’s true."