As a woman, you grew up knowing society’s expectations for you: get married, work if you want to but have children, take care of your husband and home, be nice to others, don’t be aggressive, don’t be selfish.  By now, you either have met these expectations or you haven’t, but you knew what they were.

Now, there are no more expectations for women.  An Empty Nexter, then, is a Baby Boomer who must create her own expectations.  Unfortunately, for some women, this throws them into a depression (without understanding why).

“I’m tired of complaining about Bob,” says Marlene.  When Suz left for college last August, the house was so quiet.  Bob works late; nothing I say will bring him home for dinner.  The house feels so empty.  We hardly see each other any more.  That keeps down the arguments,” she laughs, “but I’m really depressed.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Bertie has a different story.  “My mom and dad both died within the past two years.  They were old, so it wasn’t a surprise, but I was totally unprepared for my reactions.  It’s not that I long for them. It’s more about me; who am I now?  My younger sister is all I have left of my family.  I don’t know what it means, but it feels weird.”

Alicia looks like she’s should be the one to have lost her parents.  She mopes, “My boss just offered me early retirement – with good benefits.  So, why am I so miserable?” 

Without guidelines of who you should be, you’d think that would be great; you can now decide for yourself what you want.  However, many women reach this phase without understand how their lack of roles is effecting them.

They may be like Maureen, adrift in her life without her children to tend and now noticing how empty her marriage is.  Or, they are like Bertie, aware time is marching on and they are reaching a new life stage – being an adult orphan or turning 50 or 60.  Or, they may be like Alicia, terrified about leaving a career, terrified of the opportunities of starting a new one.

Without words to express their feelings, they turn to familiar terms, like depressed or bored.  If you don’t know what comes next, you are an Empty Nexter.  Now, you need to be selfish and think about yourself; what do you want now that your assigned duties are complete?  Sometimes having a whole world of opportunity can be fearful; too many choices can be immobilizing.

Here are some general ideas to help you think about filling your Empty Next:

1.   Think back to childhood, young adulthood.  What were some of your dreams back then that you lost along the way?

2.   Read magazines and even want ads.  See what topics catch your interest.  Don’t apply for anything; just be open to see what draws you.

3.  Silence the inner voice that says, "I coudn't," or "I'd love to, but..."

4.  Finish this sentence:  "I would love ....  Don't think about it; just write it  out, and see what words come.       

5.  Whose voice is inside your head saying, “You can’t!”

6.  What would your husband and children say about your response, if you were to finish that sentence in #4?  

7.  What would your mother, father, siblings say if you were to do something entirely new and exciting with your life now?

8.   Give yourself space to flush out old tears – for lost lovers, lost   opportunities.

9.   Attend a weekend retreat, just for women like you, Empty Nexters, figuring out what comes next.