Women Talk

Losing a Best Friend

Webmaster — Tue, 08 May 2012 03:27:33 GMT

When you lose a best friend for whatever reason, it is painful, lonely, and confusing.

There are many ways this loss happens.

Two people can grow apart, having found different interests so you no longer have anything in common
You face irreconcilable differences that simply can’t be bridged
You are just dropped -- without any explanation
Your friend has a serious health condition (like stroke or dementia); the body is still present, but you have lost your friend.
Your friend dies, leaving you with a profound loss, unacknowledged by others; therefore, you have no social support for your grief.

My best friend, Dr. Beth Erickson, and I are offering a free teleseminar on the topic of Losing a Best Friend.

THIS THURSDAY, May 10th at

8:00 pm Eastern (7 Central; 6 Mt.; 5 Pacific)

This will be an opportunity to hear from us

and other callers about topics such as what

support you would have wanted, what you did

get, what you may still need to help as you

heal from this tremendous loss. It's also an

opportunity to learn more about the grief

process and its life-long affect -- even as you

move on in your life.

THEN, You have another opportunity:

After this free teleseminar, Dr. Erickson will be offering a three week follow-up seminar for those who would like to talk more about their loss and understand how to grieve and move on – while recognizing the lilfe-long impact of the loss on their lives.

The charge for this 3 week seminar will be $75. (That’s less than a weekly movie date with popcorn and soda for this level of psychological pain relief.)

However, if you register for the series on Thursday evening, May 10th, you will receive a $20 discount. So, the three week seminar will only cost $55.

Dr. Erickson’s primary clinical specialty is loss, and both of us are relationship therapists. So, we plan to provide an informative and healing experience for those who attend.

Click here to register for the FREE meeting

P.S. If there is a particular topic you would like us to cover, please go to www.AskDrBethErickson.com.

SO, If you have lost your best friend -- for whatever reason -- we look forward to your joining us.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis and Dr. Beth Erickson

So what actually IS a QR code?

Webmaster — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 15:26:54 GMT

Hey, readers. This is Dana, Dr. Lewis' webmaster with a quick note to introduce a new tool in our media toolkit: the Quick Response (QR) code. We'll begin using it on many of Dr. Lewis' web pages, social network entries, blog entries and articles.

Do you hate having to type in stuff on your smart phone to dial the phone or type in a web address? Well, the QR code is a quick and easy way for your phone to receive that information without worrying about typos, hitting too many letters/numbers at a time, etc.

The QR code works similarly to the bar codes you see in most retail stores these days, except the QR code can be used as a quick link to do a number of things like:

automatically dial a phone number
display a text message (details about the item you want to buy, maybe a coupon code to get an extra discount, instructions, descriptions, disclaimers, oh my...)
go to a website page
view a YouTube video (like a movie trailer)
automatically add an event to your calendar
make a purchase online (you still have to manually provide your payment info)
automatically connect to a wifi network
add someone to your phone contacts list (with all the information of a business card)

The way it works is like this: A QR code is created and displayed somewhere. Anywhere really; a webpage, a flyer, a billboard, a business card, you name it. Here is an example. This QR code will take you to Dr Lewis' website.

So how do you use this code?

First of all, your smart phone must have a camera - which is standard these days.

Next you must install a QR reader app on your smart phone. There are dozens to choose from and most of them are free. Do a search on QR readers and take your pick. Personally I recommend the one offered by Symantec, called Norton Snap. It uses Symantec's list of known malicious websites to tell you if the code will take you to a suspicious site. You can then choose to continue or to cancel.

So, which ever reader you choose, you run the reader app, which automatically brings up the camera and you position the phone so that the QR image shows up in the guide lines. When the code is read, the app does the appropriate action (takes you to the website, displays the text, dials the phone, etc. - depending on what the QR code says.) My app makes a clicking sound when the code has been read, so I know it's processing the information.

So welcome to the next step in the mobile communication age. Get your QR reader app and start living la vida loca.

Today is National Siblings Day

Karen Gail Lewis — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:03:39 GMT

This email came from Claudia Evart, at SiblingsDay.org:

This is reminder that Siblings Day is April 10^th. I would personally like to wish you a great day! We are still waiting to hear from the White House whether President Obama will officially establish the day by issuing a Presidential Proclamation. To date we have received an overwhelming response from 44 out of 50 governors who have issued gubernatorial proclamations. Each gubernatorial proclamation is very important in showing the power that such a proclamation can have in reminding us to appreciate, enjoy and celebrate our brotherhood and sisterhood.

For those who have a sibling you can celebrate by sending your siblings a card, gift, or phone call; making a dinner invitation; performing a good deed, favor, errand or chore; and in cases of siblings who are no longer with us consciously holding them in our memory and in other cases, can be a day of truce and more understanding.

I invite you to visit our newly designed website www.siblingsday.org - there you can send an e-card to your sibling with a personalized note, view your governor’s proclamation and find out about upcoming Sibling Day events held in NY on 5/3, NJ and PA on 4/10and NM on 4/15.

We now have a photo gallery on our website as well as Facebook. Do you have a favorite sibling photo to submit to our gallery? All will be reviewed to be included on the site. Send your submission to: april10@siblingsday.org. Follow us on Twitter: @SiblingsDay and like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/siblingsday
Happy Siblings Day!

Teleseminar on Siblings -- Ready for National Siblings Day

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 02:14:00 GMT

April 10 is National Sibling Day. Go look up the origin and consider sending your siblings a (free) card or just a phone call.

In preparation, the day before, Monday, April 9, I'll be holding a teleseminar on ways your sibling relationship, from childhood, has affected your life today -- perhaps with your marriage, your career, friendships, feelings about yourself, your self-esteem.

In addition to getting that information, you will also have a chance to ask about your own situation with your brother or sisters.

Most sibling relationships can be healed enough to gather at least a bit more pleasure from the people who have known you the longest, who remember when you were little. These are the people who see the young "you" that you see when you look in the mirror!

So, there are two parts to the teleseminar: one is learning how you are currently being affected by your relationship way back when; two is open for you to get your own questions answered.

The call is Monday, April 9 at 8:30 east coast time. Click here to register and get the call-in information.

Give yourself this (free) gift.

Talk to you then

Shades of Your Childhood Sibling Relationships Affecting Your MarriageToday

Karen Gail Lewis — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:10:00 GMT

Mark and Marlene, high school sweethearts, have been married for 18 years. They are clearly committed to their marriage, but it is an awful marriage. He is a functional alcoholic; she complains, and they argue constantly. Five years ago, they tried therapy but dropped out when his work made it inconvenient to attend sessions. A year ago Marlene called for help, but spent the entire time complaining about him. She refused to talk about what she could do to improve the situation for herself, such as leave him, attend Al Anon, move into a different bedroom, give him an ultimatum to get help or she’ll leave, etc.

They are back in therapy again, with complaints and counter-complaints. She says his drinking is worse; he complains she criticizes everything he does; she says she can’t trust him to do things well because he comes home drunk. And on and on.

During the second week of their futile counter-complaints, I am explicit: without dealing with his drinking, nothing will change. He says he wants to stop, but the stress of his high powered job adds to his drinking. Besides, business deals are made (and broken) over drinks. After these explanations, he adds, “But if I’m honest with myself, I guess I always find reasons to drink. I’ve been drinking since I was 14; that’s a lot of excuses over 28 years.”

Mark finally acknowledges he is an alcoholic. “I know I need to get help. Just as soon as this last deal at work comes through, I can take a few days off to dry out.”

Two months later, I point out he is still saying “as soon as I close this last deal.”

“I can see that, but I can’t leave my job until I find something else, and I can’t do that until I have time to focus on it. Probably next month,” he again promises Marlene.

As Marlene continues to ineffectually complain about his drinking, he tucks his chin into his chest, looking very much her victim.

I ask, “What happens to you when she complaints? You say you want to stop yourself, yet you pull back as if you disagree with her.”

“I rebel against anyone who tells me what to do. I always have.”

“When you were a child, who were you rebelling against?”

“I don’t know.” He speaks softly, his chin still tucked low into his chest.

“Your father? Your mother?”

“I don’t know." He oozes passivity, exerting no effort to think about this.

I push on. “Your sister or brother?”

His head bobs up, looking at me for the first time. There is a silence and then he says, “You said my brother and that got me thinking. Terry is four years older than I; when we were he was always beating me up and bossing me around.”

“And here you are, three decades later, still rebelling against anyone you perceive as bossing you around. What’s most curious, though, is how you set yourself up for someone (I point to Marlene) to boss you and be mean to you.”

He looks stunned. “Huh?”

“For example, a few minutes ago, Marlene talked about the fight you two had the other night when she found pot in your pocket. She said you couldn’t have pot in the house; she didn’t want your children to discover their father uses drugs. Do you remember what you said back to her?”

“Yes,” he says belligerently. “I said I’d have it in the house if I wanted and if she had a problem with that, I’d just move out.”

“Think about that. Do you want your kids to know you use dope?” He sadly shakes his head. “You were more invested in rebelling against Marlene than in saying, ’Of course I don’t want my kids to see this so I won’t keep it in the house.’”

Mark hides his head in his hands. “Jesus. I do set it up, don’t I? Why do I do that?” He is bereft.

Marlene tries to rescue him by shouting at him about the marijuana. I point out, “This is your usual routine. You pull him out of his despair by yelling at him so he can yell back which is better than his depression. This time, I want to give Mark a chance to look inside.” I turn to him, “to stop running away from your feelings.

“How are you feeling right now?”

“Awful.” He chin is back on his chest.

“Can you put words to what you’re feeling?”

“I’m caved in on myself,” he whispers.

“And what feeling are you protecting in that caved-in position?”

“Fear.”

“Try speaking from inside that fear.”

“It’s just fear.”

“Try speaking form your own voice, ‘I’m scared.’”

“I’m scared,” comes out in a tiny, but flat voice. After a few seconds, he adds, “I need space. That’s what the alcohol and pot do; they help me carve out space just for me.”

“What type of space?”

“A safe space, to be by myself.” His lips continue to move; it takes time before the words catch up. “Terry was a terror.”

I wait to catch his eye. “You’ve been dabbling with getting help for years but nothing has changed. If you really want change, we have to do something very different. Are you game?”

He’s skeptical. “What do you have in mind?”

“You need help; let Terry you. He was part of the early fear. Give him a chance to help uou move past this – in order to save your marriage. If you tell him your life’s a mess, and you need his help, do you think he would come to therapy to help you?

Without hesitation he nods. “Yes, he would. We don’t talk very often and never about anything serious, but I know he would.”

It’s amazing how many people, whether they have a good or rocky relationship with their siblings, know they could call upon them for help.

Mark and Marlene leave the session, not holding hands like in a fairy tale, but without a billow of tension surrounding them.

APRIL 10 IS NATIONAL SIBLING DAY

Karen Gail Lewis — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 01:50:33 GMT

You grew up with brothers and sisters. You played with them; you fought with them. They tattled on you (or you tattled on them). Mom liked you more; Dad liked them more.

You’re grown up now. Do you still have the same squabbles? Can you write the conversations before they even occur? Do you get along well – except for certain topics? Do you speak to your siblings now? And, are they still alive so you can speak to them?

In 1998, Chris Evart decided to do something special. She had grown up with a brother and a sister – both of them dead long before they should have been. From being part of a set of siblings, she became an only child. Whatever her childhood experiences with her brother and sister, she took her loss and her memories and translated them into action. She started working towards a National Siblings Day.

She says, “Mother’s Day and Father’s Day honor the living parents.” She wants a day to honor the people who grew up with you. This would be the people who shared your bedroom, your clothes, who fought over the same toys. She also wants a day to memorialize those siblings who are no longer in your life. She picked April 10, her sister’s birthday.

By now, more than 2/3 thirds of the states have recognized National Siblings Day and Evart is hot on the trail of having President Obama make it a national proclamation.

Evart turned whatever her feelings about her siblings in childhood into a positive action for herself – and others. What do you do with your childhood feelings about your brothers and sisters?

“Last Tuesday, like every first Tuesday of the month for the past 12 years, I got in my red Subura and drove four hours straight north on I-95 to Denny’s. Why? Because my sister Chrissy drove south on I-95 for the same four hours to meet me.” Robin grins, “I wouldn’t miss these Tuesdays even if the Queen of England were coming to town. We had lunch and spent the day together, poking around shops, exploring new areas, but mostly sitting and talking.

Robin and Chrissy, midi-life married women, have arranged their work schedule so they can have this special time together every month.

“We weren’t always this close. There were 30 plus years when we wouldn’t go so far as our own backyards to spend time together. Mom had always wanted us to be close, but when we were little, she’s 15 months older than I, we fought over everything; I always ended up crying. When we were teenagers, she was nasty when I borrowed her clothes, her make-up, or her jewelry. True, I didn’t always ask first, but after all, I was a teenager!

After college, we went our own ways. We got together twice a year at our parents’ home for Thanksgiving and Passover. These were the only times our kids got to see and play with each other.

But then, something changed at our mother’s funeral; it was almost magical. As we stood over her casket, it was as if her hand came up and grabbed us and made us hug. That hug changed our lives.”

Chrissy had never heard of National Siblings Day. “I think it’s a great idea, at least now. How would I have felt before Mom died? I’m ashamed to say, but I think I would have laughed. Why would I want to celebrate a day for a person whom I didn’t really care about?”

Joshua also had never heard about National Siblings Day. “I have mixed feelings. I rarely talk with my two sisters, only when they call me. Would I like to be closer? Maybe, but would I do anything to make it happen? Probably no. My brother though is another story. I don’t like him. I certainly don’t care if I never see him again.”

I ask, “If your brother called and said he was in serious trouble, or was really sick, and needed your help….”

He finishes my sentence, “Well, that would be different. I’d be right there.”

“Why, if you don’t like him?”

“He’s my brother.” Joshua grimaces as if thinking. “I know that doesn’t’ make sense. I’m not sure I can answer that, but we used to be real close when we were little. Well, we fought a lot. Rather, I used to beat him up. He was an annoying pest.”

He stops, trying to make sense of his contradictions. “I don’t know why, but I guess because he is my brother,” he repeats. “I don’t like who he has become now, and I don’t really care about any of the three of them, but I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. That doesn’t make a slot of sense, does it?”

No, and Yes. Literally, what he is saying is full of contradictions. Yet, most people with siblings will understand; there is just something about a sibling that is different – than best friends, lovers, children. Siblings have that history of YOU. They have many of the same memories, so talking with them reminds you of who they were back then – as it does them. You all are brought back to a time when you were little, life (whether good or bad at the time) held promise of a future. It was a time when you looked forward. Now, as you mature, there is more of looking back.

Ninety-five percent of Americans grow up with at least one brother or sister. That’s a huge statistic, yet so little attention is paid to such a significant relationship. Most adults get on with their lives, ignoring their siblings or taking their existence for granted, like Joshua, and like Chrissy and Robin before their mother’s death.

Joyce, though, knows what can happen when you take a sibling for granted. “I come from a large family; there were six of us kids, and only three are left. That’s a lot of people to die so young. I wasn’t even close to my two younger brothers, but their deaths changed my view of my family and myself. We weren’t a family of eight anymore. For holidays now, the dinner table isn’t as crowded. It’s little things like this that jump out and grab me, more so than the actual loss of my brothers. Instead of being a middle child, I’m the second oldest and only girl now.”

In hearing about April 10 as a day to honor or memorialize siblings, Joyce says, “I love the idea. I think I’ll do something special for Donny, Paul, and Gordon. Maybe I’ll write them a letter telling them how I feel about them as my only living siblings – even if I don’t send it. Or, maybe I’ll plant a tree in my yard to remind me of my siblings, those here and those who have died. I don’t know, but I certainly am going to think about it.” She repeats, "I love the idea of a National Siblings Day.”

And if you would like to remember your siblings on April 10th but aren't exactly sure what would be appropriate, I invite you to join me in a teleseminar on Monday, April 9th at 8:30. We'll discuss some common issues with adult siblings and you'll have an opportunity to raise your questions and concerns. You can register here. I hope you'll join us.

Adult Children Retraining Their Parents

Karen Gail Lewis — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 02:27:00 GMT

When you visit your parents, do you get annoyed that they still treat you like a child? They still give (unsolicited) advice, telling you what is best for you, what clothes you should (or should not) wear? Which colors look best on you? You need a haircut? You need to call Uncle Bob, even though you haven’t seen him for 15 years? You shouldn’t be driving alone at night? If these aren’t your specific issues, you have your own, right?

It’s easy to be annoyed. Why don’t they respect that you have grown up; after all, you are 50 years old, or you are the mother of teenagers, or you have an important job.

What’s hard for you to consider, perhaps, is you’re the one who’s changed. While you’ve grown from child to adult, your parents have remained the same -- they’re still your parents. So in their eyes, you’re still their child – who just happens to be older.

Therefore, if you want them to treat you differently, it’s your responsibility to teach them how. The one who wants the change is the one who must do the teaching.

Unfortunately, what too often happens is when you are feeling they are not respecting your adulthood, you react to them as a child – getting angry, pouting, quietly seething. What you are not doing is re-training them.

Dr. Spock (and others) taught parents how to train their children. There are few resources for teaching children how to train their parents. (There is one great website, Mothering21.com.) Thus, you have to make it up as you go along.

Don’t be afraid to say what you need – only do it politely. For instance, Mom, I really appreciate your offering advice on my clothes, but I’d prefer you wait until I ask for it. Or, Dad, I know you care about me, but I have been handling my finances for many years now. I appreciate your concern and if I have a problem, I will be certain to ask for your help. Or, Mom and Dad, I know religion is very important to you, but my husband and I are making our own decisions about what we want for our children.

Ay of your comments can end with, “When I ask you not to do/say [whatever] yet you still do, it’s like you don’t trust my judgment/care how I feel/your ideas are more important than mine.”

It might help you in talking to them if you remember when they push their ideas and values on you, as they did when you were little, it is their way to remain important in your life, to still have a role as a parent. As parents age, they may feel like they have less to offer you or they aren’t not needed any more.

So, let them feel needed – only needed in the areas that you can use their input. If you are secure in setting limits with them, you won’t feel threatened by letting them help – in areas of your choosing.

What Growing Up Really Means -- for Adults

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 14:42:00 GMT

Growing up means unpacking and sorting through your family rules, honoring and keeping the ones you like and jettisoning the destructive ones. It means breaking free from your family’s trance and seeing yourself and your siblings more realistically. It means making your own rules for living according to your own values.

Defying your parents and choosing a life different from theirs is rebelling against them; it’s a reaction to them, rather than freely choosing a life for yourself. In the same way, you are not free (or grown up) if you acquiesce and accept their expectations and rules. These are two sides of the same coin – rebel or acquiesce. Both are in reaction to parents. They don’t leave you free to make your own rules, separate from their influence.

When you are truly free, you may end up with some of the same rules as your parents, but not because you’ve blindly accepted theirs. You may reject some of their rules, but not because they are theirs; you make your own rules because they are right for you.

For Single Women Watching the Calendar -- Make Your Own Rituals

Karen Gail Lewis — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 14:36:40 GMT

“How’d it happen. I’m just 35 – even though my birth certificate says I was born 69 years ago – almost double my age. Although I’ve joked about it for years, it just hit me in a very real way – that I’m old enough to be a grandmother or even a great grand mother. How did that happen?”

So says, Maria, who has consulted me for her depression. But, in listening to her, it was clear she was not really depressed in the clinical sense. She had a good life, filled with people and activities she enjoyed, but she claimed she was feeling depressed.

Lots of married people also feel time is slipping away. But for women without a husband or children (without the yearly markers of birthdays and anniversaries), – the passage of time has no marker that reminds you of another year gone by.

Women who were looking to meet a life partner in their 20’s may still be doing the same things 40 years later. Even though they work, play, travel, enjoy friends, as the calendar turns over, for some, there is the question of what happened to their life during these years.

But isn’t that true for everyone, you ask? Sure, everyone has something they are missing in their life. But, no, it’s not the same for single women.

Over the years, their friends and family of singles have celebrated events around their marriage and children. There are rituals for each of these life-passing events: wedding shower, engagement, wedding, baby shower, bris/Christening, confirmation, Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Family and friends gather for these celebrations. Then, there are the piano recitals and dance performances, nursery school to college graduations. Single women without children do not have these yearly markers. They participate in other’s lives, but these markers of time aren’t theirs.

This is not to say, “Poor thing.” Single women without children are not “less than.” I point this out only to acknowledge the reality of their experience.

This is why I always recommend single women create their own rituals. Recently, I shared a wedding invitation a single women is sending out for her wedding to herself. Some people think that’s brilliant; others think she is self-centered. Hopefully, it won’t matter to her, as long as it meets her need to ritualize and acknowledge herself and her life. ( She explained it was a celebration of her personal growth -- like a college graduation for self-growth).

This may not fit you, but there are lots of other ways you can create rituals to mark the important steps or phases of your life. For instance, having a party when you buy your first home, or giving yourself birthday parties. (Actually, when you give it to yourself – which many women hesitate to do – you are assured of having it be just what you would want.) Or, how about honoring a job promotion? (In fact, you should be more credit for the actual work you have done to earn the promotion than for the luck of finding a man.) Or, the first day of Spring each year?

One of the loveliest rituals I've heard about is women celebrating the anniversary of meeting their best friend. (And, there often are a more than some marriage anniversaries!)

Or any or as many other events that help you honor the life you are living. For, without markers, it is easy for single women to have one year slip into another and end up feeling their life is slipping away.

Going Solo is Not Going Lonely

Karen Gail Lewis — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 06:23:00 GMT

After God created Adam, he didn’t want him to live alone, so he created Eve. So starts Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone.

I’m pleased to have been asked to be part of TLC's Book Tour for Eric Klinenberg’s newest book. But, I was hesitant to review it because I have done my own research on single women and have published my own books. Aside from the obvious points, I love drawing attention to the some seldom mentioned issues like singles should be neither stigmatized nor glamorized. I note our language has not caught up with modern women, having no appropriate name for a life partner or for spending time with a man; certainly “boyfriend” sounds fine for teenagers, but not adults, and “dating” definitely needs an update. So, I was skeptical about finding anything I didn’t already know – or hadn’t written about. So much for humility!

Eric Klinenberg is a researcher who spent seven years studying Americans living alone. He interviewed men and women, young and old, wealthy and the poorest of the poor, famous and those who die without anyone knowing their name. He is married so he has no axe to grind; he does not laud being single nor de-value it. It’s just a fact – more people now are living solo. What he found is intriguing – not just for singles, but for our society.

In my research, done about a decade ago, I discovered that in 1950, Americans believed a woman was single because she was sick, neurotic, or immoral. Klinenberg’s work proves times have clearly changed. With more than 50% of Americans single today, living alone has turned from a “sign of social failure to a rite of passage and a reward for success.”

Living alone, he writes, “changes the way we understand ourselves and our most intimate relationships. It shapes the way we build our cities and develop our economies. It alters the way we become adults, as well as how we age and the way we die. It touches every social group and nearly every family, no matter who we are or whether we live with others today.”

“Living alone is not in itself a social problem. But it is a dramatic social change that’s already exacerbating serous problems for which there are no easy solutions.” Instead, it creates new possibilities.

Living alone flourishes when cities flourish, and when advances in communication technologies make it increasingly possible to live alone while staying connected. Most important for living solo is maintaining social connections.

So, he poses, since more people are doing it, let’s figure out what is needed to make living solo easier and better for everyone.

He suggests we redesign communities, especially large metropolitan cities. We revitalize public life where singles can live and walk and socialize with others; where there is good public transportation. This is not only good for those living alone, it is good for ecology and saving energy, he points out. Instead of individual suburban homes with cars having to drive everywhere, apartment type buildings, where there are lots of people living close to stores, restaurants, and public spaces. What, he quoted someone calling “urban lite development.”

Going Solo is replete with statistics (the one I love the most is this myth shattering fact: it is not true that more singles own pets than married people). He has very readable vivid portraits of people who live alone, some living well and some not. Going Solo is a read for those wanting to fully understand what is shifting in our society today.

What also has been interesting is reading some of the blogs by others who are participating in this virtual book tour. They all have a different approach, from SingularlyHappy.com, who has a very concise chapter by chapter coverage to It’s All About Balance who draws a delightful contrast between how we praise toddlers for walking “all by themselves” but 20 years later fret, “When are you going to get married?”

Since this is my blog, I’ll confess I smiled reading about some of the professionals he interviewed – people I have known and worked with – people you have seen me write about: Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. She may be the most prolific writer and researcher on singles. I had the pleasure of interviewing her as part of my 8 part series on Women Ready for Change.

And, Sherri Langburt who combined her corporate world experience with her insights about the negative stereotypes starting SingleEdition.com. She joined me in my 3 part series on siblings, talking about married siblings can make a single woman feel like a child.

And, you have heard me talk a lot about the Alternative to Marriage Project. Nikki Geist, the former executive director gave him much information about the first organization devoted to the economic, legal, health (etc.) needs of singles.

Now, here is another woman he interviewed with ideas you may want to pursue. Page Gardner of WVWV.org (women ‘s voices, women vote) works to get single women (the largest unregistered block) involved politically. (Did you know that in 2004 less than 13% voted.)

Going Solo is replete with statistics (the one I love the most is this myth-shattering fact: it is not true that more singles own pets than married people). It is filled with a wealth of information, vivid stories, and a direction for how society is changing and what we need to do to support and enhance the changes. You can read it with friends or solo!

AVOID THE DEADLY SEVEN

Karen Gail Lewis — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 22:19:38 GMT

Are you getting married soon? Even if it’s not for the first time, there may be some topics you need to discuss with your soon-to-be-mate. In getting married, if you are not prepared for these potentially deadly seven topics before they become a problem, you may suffer from assumptions, miscommunications, hurts and resentments. A few examples of each topic are listed.

Family Rituals

Whose family rituals around holidays will you follow – yours or your spouse-to-be?
How can you create your own holiday rituals as a new family without hurting your parents’ feelings?

Arguments

How did each of your parents handle differences of opinions around important issues? Around minor issues?
What is your typical style for dealing with arguments – yelling, withdrawing, crying?

In-Laws

If you see a problem between your spouse and your parents, how will you handle it?
How will you handle your own parents’ feelings if you spend more time with your in-laws?

Neatness, Cleanliness, Household Chores

How will you handle your differences about what constitutes neat and clean, since two people rarely have the same opinions?
What unspoken ideas do you have about the division of household chores?

Sex

How can you discuss exploring different ideas about sex – without labeling the other a “prude” or “deviant”?
How can you talk about what you like and do not like – without embarrassing or hurting the other’s feelings?

Money

How will financial investment decisions be made? Have you decided what to do if you don’t agree?
If you have different ideas about how to spend money on entertainment and other non-necessities, how will you handle this?

Children

Have you discussed the possibility that one of you might change your mind about having children?
How will you prevent the children and work from becoming an “emotional affair?”

(Get a copy of “Are You Having An Affair? Do You Even Know?” at

www.DrKGL.com/affair)

Some women, especially those heading into a second marriage, have found it very enlightening and rewarding to attend one of my Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change.

If you have questions about these or other topics in preparation for getting married, do write me.

Are You An Empty Nexter? (No, that's not a typo)

Karen Gail Lewis — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 18:02:00 GMT

No, that's not a typo. Empty Nexters are women who struggle with what comes next. They may be empty nesters, or approaching retirement, or wanting a job change. They may be reconsidering a relationship, or preparing for a major birthday, or newly "orphaned" (as both parents have died).

As a woman, you grew up knowing society’s expectations for you: get married, work if you want to but have children, take care of your husband and home, be nice to others, don’t be aggressive, don’t be selfish. By now, you either have met these expectations or you haven’t, but you knew what they were.

Now, there are no more expectations for women. An Empty Nexter, then, is a Baby Boomer who must create her own expectations. Unfortunately, for some women, this throws them into a depression (without understanding why).

“I’m tired of complaining about Bob,” says Marlene. When Suz left for college last August, the house was so quiet. Bob works late; nothing I say will bring him home for dinner. The house feels so empty. We hardly see each other any more. That keeps down the arguments,” she laughs, “but I’m really depressed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Bertie has a different story. “My mom and dad both died within the past two years. They were old, so it wasn’t a surprise, but I was totally unprepared for my reactions. It’s not that I long for them. It’s more about me; who am I now? My younger sister is all I have left of my family. I don’t know what it means, but it feels weird.”

Alicia looks like she’s should be the one to have lost her parents. She mopes, “My boss just offered me early retirement – with good benefits. So, why am I so miserable?”

Without guidelines of who you should be, you’d think that would be great; you can now decide for yourself what you want. However, many women reach this phase without understand how their lack of roles is effecting them.

They may be like Maureen, adrift in her life without her children to tend and now noticing how empty her marriage is. Or, they are like Bertie, aware time is marching on and they are reaching a new life stage – being an adult orphan or turning 50 or 60. Or, they may be like Alicia, terrified about leaving a career, terrified of the opportunities of starting a new one.

Without words to express their feelings, they turn to familiar terms, like depressed or bored. If you don’t know what comes next, you are an Empty Nexter. Now, you need to be selfish and think about yourself; what do you want now that your assigned duties are complete? Sometimes having a whole world of opportunity can be fearful; too many choices can be immobilizing.

Here are some general ideas to help you think about filling your Empty Next:

1.   Think back to childhood, young adulthood. What were some of your dreams back then that you lost along the way?

2.   Read magazines and even want ads. See what topics catch your interest. Don’t apply for anything; just be open to see what draws you.

3. Silence the inner voice that says, "I coudn't," or "I'd love to, but..."

4. Finish this sentence: "I would love .... Don't think about it; just write it out, and see what words come.

5. Whose voice is inside your head saying, “You can’t!”

6. What would your husband and children say about your response, if you were to finish that sentence in #4?

7. What would your mother, father, siblings say if you were to do something entirely new and exciting with your life now?

8.   Give yourself space to flush out old tears – for lost lovers, lost   opportunities.

9.   Attend a weekend retreat, just for women like you, Empty Nexters, figuring out what comes next.

Why the Blahs? What Can I Do about Them?

Karen Gail Lewis — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 17:21:00 GMT

Karla has grown children, all doing well. She has been married for 31 years. “It’s not a bad marriage, not exciting or satisfying, but,” she says, “It’s ok.” She is active in her community garden, with the homeless shelter, and her church. She has “a small business,” which she identifies as, “on the side.” She is depressed but says, “I'm a Baby Boomer who is bored with my life.”

And, to make it worse, she hates winter. Even though not a real bad one this year, it is still dreary.

I had been seeing Karla in therapy for a few weeks, where we explored her business. We talked about bringing in her husband to help evolve their marriage from OK to good, and lots of other topics. Nothing we talked about seemed to be the core of her malaise. Medical exams showed she was healthy.

That’s when I suggested she attend Unique Retreats for Women. She didn’t think it would make a difference, but “it would be good to get-away, and, who knows, maybe something would get clearer,” she sighed, with no real expectations.

At the first session, she listened while the other women talked about their issues; she said she had no idea why she was there, but hoped she would leave with some clarity. The unifying factor in that group was that everyone seemed stuck in some part of their life.

During the last session of the retreat, Karla wore a wide grin. “I came, perhaps to please Karen, but I really had no hope it would be useful. I had been feeling so blah for so long. But, I can’t believe what has happened here. I not only feel rejuvenated by meeting and sharing with you wonderful women, but I am leaving with a clear idea of what I want to do differently when I get home. Last night, even though we are discouraged from turning on our blackberries, I did, and found a photography class not far from my home, that even meets at a convenient time. I registered,” she gloats. “I had no idea I was even interested in photography, but that exercise we did yesterday morning, opened up a series of ideas and images, and out it fell. I had totally forgotten as a teenager, my parents pooh-poohed my interest in shooting and refused to buy me a camera. I’m just so excited.”

Six months later, I get an invitation to her first photo show. A year later, she’s winning awards and even selling her work.

“Even if I never sold a thing,” she wrote me, “I this is the best thing I have ever done. It feels like a small hole inside me has been filled. Nothing really has changed with my husband, but I know I am just far more satisfied with my whole life. Thank you for suggesting that retreat.”

A Different Valentine’s Day For Single Women

Karen Gail Lewis — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:10:00 GMT

Remember in first grade when you had a crush on little Jimmy? Starting February first, you struggled with whether you should make him a valentine card. But what if he didn't make you one! Your other big worry was if little Suzie would give you one. They were equally big worries. And, would you get as many as Janie?

Valentine's day has taken on an entirely different meaning now that you are an adult. Now, it's not do you have a lot of friends who will give you a card. Nor do you think twice if Susan (no longer Suzie) does or doesn't give you one. The only remnant from your childhood Valentine's Day is whether James will give you one. Over these few decades, the emphasis for you has shifted from something you shared with your friends to ROMANCE.

While there are a number of beliefs about how Valentine's Day got started, the more common ones are connected to murder and rape. One version says Valentine's Day is named for a Christian saint who was murdered for marrying men and women at a time the Emperor needed men to go to war. If married, goes this story, men wouldn't want to leave their families. The emperor needed single soldiers so he killed the man who was marrying the couples.

Another version, going back to pagan days, says Valentine's Day actually derived from a lottery that was held for young men (maybe teenagers) to win a young woman (maybe a teenager) for the male's sexual pleasure.

You can choose any story you prefer just as you can choose how to relate to Valentine's Day. It can be a day of shame because you do not love and are not loved by a special man, or you can honor this day by acknowledging those people who make your life better. Back in elementary school, you knew Valentine's Day was not about lovers, but about love and caring and friendship.

If you are single, Valentine's Day ranks up there as one of the two most hated holidays, along with New Years. Too many women say they "hide out" on February 14. (If you are married, this day can be cause for divorce when husband either forgets to buy you something special or has his secretary get you a generic card.)

The commercialization of the day contributes to making singles feel left out, such as hotels offering special room rates with champagne and chocolates, florist's ads show men beaming with a bouquet for their "belles." A client recently told me she can't enjoy the day because she lacks a necessary ingredient -- a man.

As long as you connect romance with February 14th, you are at the mercy of a man not being in your life. On the other hand, you can take charge of the day, returning it to the meaning it had for you when you were a child - a day of showing your friends you like them, and you care enough to make (remember doing that?!) them a special card.

Women's Retreat in 17th Year - Come Join Us

Karen Gail Lewis — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:07:00 GMT

It’s our 17^th anniversary. Unique Retreats for Women has been offering women a chance to leave their thought and worries of their every day life at home and just think about themselves.

Come join us for 48 hours that may well change your life – and have a lot of fun along the way.

While it is perfect for Baby Boomers, you don't need to be one to join us. All you need to be is a woman who is ready to make a change in her life. So if you are...

Contemplating a new career
Facing an empty nest
Considering a relationship change
Seeking menopausal zest
Longing to unearth your "Missing Something" or
Wanting time off to think about your life

... then I invite you to read more details about the retreat or contact me directly to answer all your questions.

I look forward to talking with you.

TO GO OR NOT TO GO? Should I Save My Marriage?

Karen Gail Lewis — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:12:00 GMT

Making a decision to stay in a marriage or to leave can be difficult.

Ron and Barb have been married for 37 years. The last 17 years haven’t been easy, but as they said, they muddled though for the sake of the kids. They were now grown and Barb was deciding whether to stay in the marriage or to leave. Ron suggested counseling since he didn’t want to lose her.

In one session, he described an argument from the night before. They had agreed to watch a video together. While she was setting it up, he said he wanted to just check on the Giants’ score. He got engrossed and didn’t return for forty minutes, when he told her about a fascinating snake performance from the half time entertainment.

Barb interrupted with, “I wish you’d find me fascinating.” She turned to me, “He can’t turn the television off even for a few minutes with me.”

“You know my job is so stressful. I use TV as a diversion.”

“I want to be that diversion for you. But I’m not; I’ve never been, and I don’t think I ever will be. I might as well not be here.”

How do you decide whether to stay or go? You’ve been married for a long time; you’ve invested a good part of your past together; your future is bound together forever by the children. Yet you are unhappy, angry, and feel deprived.

For some people, they just know they have to leave. For many though, it’s not clear; they’re entangled by having to consider too many extenuating factors: your children’s reactions, finances, reactions from your parents and siblings, the logistics of separation and starting over, loss of your history together, and of course, society’s subtle prejudice against divorce. Then, there is the discomfort of joining that group called Singles and starting to date.

Barb felt awful, not wanting to end this marriage, not wanting to be stifled in her own personal growth. To give her some distance, she decided to join a women’s retreat, where she could take time to fully understand what her choices were and why she might make whichever choice. She knew no one, but she thought that might be even more useful. "Unlike my friends and family, they don’t know me or Ron."

At the end of the weekend she said she felt more comfortable than she had in ages. She turned to each woman, smiling, and said, “I’m not mad at Ron. I’m sad, sad that we’ve grown so far apart and haven’t been able to bridge our differences. A part of me will always love him, but I now know I need to leave. Even if I never meet anyone else, I need to lead a life that fits who I am now. Thank you, you dear women for sharing your own stories with me and helping me think through what I really need for myself. Your doubts and your challenges were just what I needed to be absolutely certain I’m doing the right thing.”

Click here, if you want more information about Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change, or call me at 513-542-0646.

Valentine’s Day Is About Love Not Lovers

Karen Gail Lewis — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:14:00 GMT

When you think about Valentine's Day, do you feel pleasure? Grief? Anger? If you are single, Valentine’s Day, along with New Years, are the two most hated holidays. Too many single women say they "hide out" on February 14.

Valentine's Day, though, is not about lovers; it’s about love. It has become commercialized for lovers, but it’s really a time to connect with people you care about. In the midst of the hearts and flowers that have become associated with this day, the origin of the holiday is lost.

In fact, there is no agreed upon origin. There are numerous stories about the man Valentine and the holiday of love. They range from Roman days to honor the god Lupercus, to Emperor Claudius forbidding marriage, to Pope Gelasium turning a pagan game of romance into a game about saints.

You can choose which version of the origin of the holiday you prefer, in the same way you can choose how to relate to Valentine's Day. It can be a day of shame because you do not love and are not loved by a special man, or you can honor this day by acknowledging those people who make your life better. Valentine's Day is not about lovers, it’s about love. Here are some tips for how to make this a special day.

1. Send cards to everyone you love, male and female, young and old. Not only will the recipients feel cherished, you will be reminded how blessed you are to have so many special people in your life. For a fun flashback to your school days, buy a pack of the colorful cards you used to pass out to classmates, or make them yourself.

2. Honor the service people who make your life better. Give cards to people in your everyday life, showing how much you appreciate them. It might be the person who cuts your hair or cleans your home. It might be the bank teller who helps when your checkbook gets out of balance. You don’t have to wait for Christmas to let your mailperson know you appreciate the effort made to bring you 30 mail order catalogues a day. Think about the people who make your life easier; this is the day to remind yourself (and them) that you don't take them for granted.

3. Spend it with friends. Specifically choose February 14 to spend with people you appreciate but don't tell often enough. Take a favorite co-worker or office assistant to lunch. Or have a Valentine's dinner party for good friends.

4. Send flowers to yourself. Rather than mope or feel sorry for yourself that there is no man in your life to send you flowers, send them to yourself. Flowers are the love letters from Mother Nature.

5. Monitor your music. If you are likely to have a hard time on February 14, make sure for the few days leading up to the 14th you aren't listening to love songs or songs about longing for love or about brokenhearted love.

6. Don't hide. Don’t pretend it isn't Valentine's Day. Say Happy Valentine's Day to everyone you see. Wear a pin with hearts or at least wear red and white.

Can a Women's Retreat Give Me Some Answers? Yes

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:58:00 GMT

Is it time to finally get some answers? Maybe even answers to questions you don’t even know you have? Questions like am I ready for a different career? What will my life be now that my children have grown up (or started kindergarten),? Should I consider divorce or is my marriage worth saving? How to I get people to recognize how difficult it is to be single in a married world? It feels like my life is missing something, but what?

Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change is specifically geared to help women clarify their personal goals. We work hard, have fun, laugh a lot, ride horses (no experience needed). And at the end, you will leave with plans for concrete action, having designed your own specific strategies to reach your goals – goals that only a few days ago you may not even been aware you had.

For The Love of Friendship: Valentine's Day is About Love, not Lovers (a popular repeat)

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:44:02 GMT

My cousin, Don Kreger, just died in his mid-80s. Besides being an ad writer (wriggly gum), and an actor (he was in acting class with Marilyn Monroe), he was also a writer. In one of his articles, he wrote about Hank, someone else he knew from his early attempts in Hollywood. Hank made it big (not as big as Marilyn), while Don left Hollywood. He was speaking with such feeling about Hank, that Don's wife, Mari Kay, said, "You sound like you loved him." Don wrote, "I laughed, but maybe she was right."

We don't usually think of men as non-romantically loving their male friends, but there's even a song called "Buddy" where the singer recalls everything he misses about his best buddy, and ends with "Your Buddy misses you."

I mention men first because we women don't tend to think in terms of men loving their friends. We do know we love our friends, but - and here's the nub for Valentine's Day - do you let them know you love them? Do you get so caught up in wanting your husband/partner to let you know how special you are that you forget to let those special women friends know how you feel about them?

Did you know that research shows when women need to share their deepest emotions, they are far more likely (I forget the percentage) to turn to their women friends, their sisters, or their mother than to their husband?

My own research into friendships indicates that women do tend to take their friends for granted. I'm delighted there is a website for friends, Girlfriendology.com, and I imagine they'll do something big around Valentine's Day. But, too often, we just know our friends are there and don't bother letting them know how important they are to us, how our lives are enhanced by their presence, how they have helped us grow and change over the years.

So, this February 14, make sure you love your friendships!

Single Women: Reclaim Valentine's Day (a popular repeat)

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:41:37 GMT

If you are single, Valentine's Day ranks up there as one of the two most hated holidays, along with New Years Eve. Too many women say they "hide out" on February 14.

The commercialization of the day contributes to making singles feel left out, such as hotels offering special room rates with champagne and chocolates, florists' ads showing men beaming with a bouquet for their "belles." A client recently told me she can't enjoy the day because she lacks a necessary ingredient - a man.

Here are just a few ideas for how to make Valentine's Day special for you - where you take control of the day:

Honor the "service" folks who make your life better. This could be your hairdresser, bank teller, accountant. Even the man at the corner newsstand where you buy your paper each morning.
Invite co-workers or your support staff to lunch.
Plan a dinner with your favorite single friends, and do not talk about men. Make it a fun, loving evening.
Send flowers - to yourself! No one ever said they have to come from a man. You could even write your own special note, reminding yourself how much you value you.

As long as you connect romance with February 14th, you are at the mercy of a man not being in your life. On the other hand, you can take control of the day, returning it to the meaning it had for you when you were a child - a day of showing your friends you like them, and you care enough to make (remember doing that?!) them a special card.