Women Talk

Sibling Relationships Follow an Hourglass Pattern

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:58:00 GMT

Have you and your siblings always been close? If so, you are among the lucky ones. Most brothers and sisters have gone through different periods of closeness. Your siblings may weave in and out of your life in varying degrees of intensity, depending on your age and your life situation.

One way to think about this pattern is to picture an hourglass, with the top of the glass being childhood and the bottom being old age. The long line across the top and bottom represents a lot of contact during childhood and old age, typically the periods when siblings feel closest to each other.

The hourglass progressively narrows as you move into your adolescent and young adulthood, and reaches the "waist" as siblings have minimal connection during their 20s and 30s while establishing their own careers and personal lives.

During the child rearing years, the hourglass begins to widen. Siblings increase their contact, wanting their children to know their cousins and the extended family. Then, in your middle years, you are often brought even closer as you have to work together around your aging parents.

Unless you and your siblings really like each other, it seems the reasons for continued contact would diminish once your children are grown and your parents have died. Yet, research supports the widening of the hourglass in old age; senior siblings are in touch at least once a week. And many even move to live closer to each other.

As a client said to me once, "If I'm going to be close in old age, I might as well start now."
The same may be true for you. A simple way to start may be by honoring National Siblings Day which is April 10. You can send a sibling card (which you can get for free from their web site) or you can just call or email/text and just say, "Hi, I'm thinking of you."

If you are reading this and saying, "NO WAY," then perhaps you will want to listen to my FREE teleseminar on "You CAN Have A Better Relationship With Your Siblings -- Now (before it's too late).

Single Women: Why Should You Care About Your Siblings?

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:14:00 GMT

If you are part of the 95% of adults who have siblings, you may have grown up playing with them, fighting with them. They tattled on you(or you tattled on them). They screamed Mom liked you more; you screamed Dad liked them more.

That's ancient history now, right? You’re grown up now. But, think about it: Do you still have the same squabbles? Can you write the conversations before they even occur? Do you get along well –except for certain topics? Do you speak to your siblings now? And, are they still alive so you can speak to them?

In 1998, Chris Evart decided to do something special. She had grownup with a brother and a sister – both of them dead long before they should have been. From being part of a set of siblings, she became an only child. Whatever her childhood experiences with her brother and sister, she took her loss and her memories and translated them into action. She started working towards a National Siblings Day (www.SiblingsDay.org.)

She says, “Mother’s Day and Father’s Day honor the living parents.” She wants a day to honor the people who grew up with you. This would be the people who shared your bedroom, your clothes, who fought over the same toys. She also wants a day to memorialize those siblings who are no longer in your life. She picked April 10, her sister’s birthday.

Evart turned whatever her feelings about her siblings in childhood into a positive action for herself –and others. What do you do with your childhood feelings about your brothers and sisters?

“Last Tuesday, like every first Tuesday of the month for the past 12 years, I got in my red Subura and drove four hours straight north on I-95 to Denny’s. Why? Because my sister Chrissy drove south on I-95 for the same four hours to meet me.” Robin grins, “I wouldn’t miss these Tuesdays even if the Queen of England were coming to town. We had lunch and spent the day together,poking around shops, exploring new areas, but mostly sitting and talking.

Robin and Chrissy, midi-life married women, have arranged their work schedule so they can have this special time together every month.

“We weren’t always this close. There were 30 plus years when we wouldn’t go so far as our own backyards to spend time together. Mom had always wanted us to be close, but when we were little, she’s 15 months older than I,we fought over everything; I always ended up crying. When we were teenagers,she was nasty when I borrowed her clothes, her make-up, or her jewelry. True, I didn’t always ask first, but after all, I was a teenager!

After college, we went our own ways. We got together twice a year at our parents’ home for Thanksgiving and Passover. These were the only times our kids got to see and play with each other.

But then, something changed at our mother’s funeral; it was almost magical. As we stood over her casket, it was as if her hand came up and grabbed us and made us hug. That hug changed our lives.”

Chrissy had never heard of National Siblings Day. “I think it’s a great idea, at least now. How would I have felt before Mom died? I’m ashamed to say, but I think I would have laughed. Why would I want to celebrate a day for a person whom I didn’t really care about?”

Ninety-five percent of Americans grow up with at least one brother or sister. That’s a huge statistic, yet so little attention is paid to such a significant relationship. Most adults get on with their lives, ignoring their siblings or taking their existence for granted,like Chrissy and Robin before their mother’s death.

Don’t take your siblings for granted. Don't wait too long, or until it's too late. Whether you would choose them as friends, they are yours for life. So, on April 10, send a card, call, or email them to thank them for being your brother or sister. And, if the relationship is strained or rocky, work on changing it (even if it's her/his fault!). Get a free copy of Causes of Sibling Conflict off my web. And, while on my web, check out the 3-part teleseminar (drkgl.com/sibs) I am leading, starting March 23. Part one is on what leads to a bad relationship and how to improve it. Part two is specifically for you-- singles with siblings. Part three is for siblings with aging/ill parents.

Single Women: Prepare Now for Next Valentine's Day

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 17:57:00 GMT

Valentine’s Day is now over. If you are single, how did you fare? Were you depressed? Did you ignore the day? Did you find your own way to enjoy it?

Wait a minute, you say. Why think about Valentine’s Day at all, since it has just passed. You feel safe for another 12 months. Maybe by then you’ll have a special man to give you a box of candy or a sexy card. So why think about it now? It’s because it is not a burning issue now that you may be more open to a new perspective on being single next Valentine’s Day.

Despite greater cultural acceptance of singles than ever before, society still puts a higher value on marriage than on being single. Try to imagine, instead, what it would be like if society placed no value on one’s marital status. Imagine that being single or married had no more value than the length of your nails.

Yet, society is in a state of flux, and the100 million single men and women are a part of this flux. Whether you are single or married, you can be a part of helping society adjust to the transition. How? You can start by changing your own attitude about being single. You can share this new attitude with your family and friends – married and single.

You can be part of a cultural revolution that is inching its way into this new century, thanks in part to the Census Bureau’s report that over half of American adults (51%) are single. And, thanks to the national organization called Unmarried America (Unmarried.org). This is not a social group; it’s devoted tothe financial, legal, health, and employment issues relevant for singles. A decade ago they organized a National Single’s Week, in September (not a day, but a week).

While it’s important to have an organization solely for singles, for a true cultural revolution, everyone needs to remove the value judgment about one’s life position. In fact, you can start here: How often are you asked, verbally or on a written form, for your marital status? Have you considered the implicit message, that the normal status is marriage, and you either have it or you don’t?

And have you seen how many wonderful web sites there are for singles, such as MySingleSpace.com; SingleEdition.com? These are not pity parties, rather gatherings where you hear from like-minded women and men. And, there is even a ring that is being worn all around the world (singelringen.com)just by singles. It’s a way of identifying you as part of an international community. You may not want to stay single, but while you are here, you are not alone; enjoy the company.

Applying a value-free approach to Valentine’s Day will give you freedom from feeling like a failure for being single. It will give you freedom from trying to ignore the day. You can return to the meaning Valentine’s Day had when you were in elementary school, when you exchanged cards with your friends. It was not about romantic love; it was about saying, “I acknowledge you in my life.”

This new perspective will be revolutionary for the meaning of Valentine’s Day in today’s society. So you have 12 months to prepare yourself for the next February 14,whether or not you will be single then.

For more help in that preparation, I invite you to visit the single’s page on my web DrKarenGailLewis.com for information on how to “teach” your parents and married friends to think differently about you as a single.

And, go look at the description for Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change, which has a special section just for single women.

Better than the Marriage Ref

Karen Gail Lewis — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:12:00 GMT

I think it’s great that a new tv show, The Marriage Ref, is focusing on couples and their tiffs. Part reality TV and part situation comedy, the show will present real couples with real problems. With Jerry Seinfield as Executive Producer, who describes the show as "...looking at something very real, but in a fun and interesting way..." the show will employ comedy; people will laugh. Bringing in celebrities will make it all a big “production” and should prove highly entertaining.

But, will the couple still be laughing when they get home or will they be even more stuck and feel “used,” or frustrated that they had hoped the show would make them feel better about their issues -- but it didn't?

I love the idea of the show, but my concern is more about helping the couple find real solutions to their issues. Therefore, I’m offering something slightly different – helping couples in areas where they are stuck BUT without the comedy and glitz. With me they’ll get, skilled professionalism, concrete assistance, and a big dose of truly feeling understood. In addition, they will also understand how they had gotten stuck – and how to get out.

This will be starting in the Spring. BUT, I need your help. So, here's a contest to help me pick a name. Email me as many choices as you want, and I’ll pick the one that fits the program the best. The winner and several runner ups will all win a copy of my latest book, Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary – PLUS a free consultation with me – on OR off the air.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

9 Steps to Step Out of a Baby Boomer Crisis

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 23:28:10 GMT

What does it mean to be a Baby Boomer? Today, as opposed to 10 or 15 years ago, it means

transitioning from the excitement of looking ahead at your life to seeing changes in the future that are scary. Too often, we think of this mid-life transition as a crisis. To fend off the scary, men stereotypically escape to erratic behavior, like buying that red sports convertible or switching a wife for a younger woman, often just a younger version of a wife.

Women,though, have a less dramatic reaction to this transition. For them, it’s less an obvious crisis; they often just feel depressed, a vague anxiety or restlessness.

How do you know if you are in a mid-life (quiet) transition? If in the last year, you’ve been bored, anxious, depressed in a way you had never been before, or if you obsessively worry about one or more problems, this could be an indication. If you have mood swings that are not accountable by menopause or a medical check up, this is another possible indication. As is your thinking about running way from home or having an affair. And, if you are not thinking about anything – you just are depressed or numb -- you probably are reacting to your life change.

Here are 21 things that can propel a Baby Boomer woman into a transition that shakes her formerly comfortable world.

1. Last child leaves home (empty nest)

2. First child leaves home (worrying about onset of empty nest)

3. Upcoming birthday, turning 40, 50, or 60. Or, the year before

entering one of these decades (39, 49, 59)

4. Death of one parent

5. Death of a second parent

6. Death of a sibling (or close friend)

7. Husband has an affair

8. You think about having an affair

9. Best friend (or sister) gets divorced

10. Best friend (or sister) falls in love

11. Break up with your best friend

12. Husband retires

13. You retire

14. You are bored at your job

15. You are restless or bored without a job

16. Loss of your menstrual period (indicating the end of child birth

for you and entrance to the next-- unknown life stage )

17. Symptoms that come with the loss of your menstrual period,

such as mood swings, weepiness, hot flashes

18. Diagnosis of cancer or other serious medical scare

19. Best friend (sister) diagnosed with cancer or other serious

medical scare

20. Depression that started within the last 6-12 months.

21. Sense of restlessness that won’t go away

OK, so now you know why you are depressed, apathetic,scared, or bored. But, what can you do about it?

Here are some steps to help you defuse and move through this crisis.

1. Identify the cause of your crisis (see above)

2. Honor your past accomplishments

3. Grieve the lost opportunities – things you wish you had done/achieved

4. Set your own expectations for this next phase of your life

5. Prepare for negative (or ambivalent) reactions from loved ones

6. Resist the pull from loved ones for you to go back to status quo

7. Get support –spiritual, religious, women’s group

8. Get therapy if you need more help

9. Consider a women’s retreat to help you move through this normal transition period of letting go and getting direction for what comes next.

If this describes you, don’tdespair, follow these 9 steps. If youwant more ideas and support, a women’s retreat would be ideal. Check out UniqueRetreatsForWomen.com. There are a number of different kinds that might be just what you need.

A Bad Book for Singles, A Bad Valentine's Day Gift

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 18:04:00 GMT

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day. Was it a good day for you? Was it a day you looked forward to with pleasure or one you hid from? Or, was it just the 14^th day of the 2^nd month of the year – just one other winter day?

In my February Newsletter, I write about “Getting Through Valentine’s Day – Married or Single.” If you are married or in a committed relationship, you may have your dreams of the day fulfilled. Or, you may be perpetually disappointed because your partner doesn’t take it as seriously as you.

If you are not married or not in a committed relationship,you may have felt the day was like having salt rubbed in your open wound of not having a partner. Or, you may have used the day to show your friends and family how much you value them.

I suppose I am lucky. To me, it is just another day. Like Mother’s or Father’s Day, I don’t need a particular day to show how I care about those I care about. But, that’s not typical, I know. I don’t care about cards or gifts; It’s the people in my life that I care about – and I am reminded of that daily.

Unfortunately, for those that Do care, especially single women who wish they had a man, a book came out just before Valentine’s Day that rubs salt into their man-less wound. The book, basically telling women to suck it up and just get married – so you won’t be alone, got far more attention than it should have by a glowing review in the New York Times.

What is this book? Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb, a 42 year old woman who is a single mother, author, journalist and commentator on NPR. I can’t comment directly on the book because I haven’t read it, not wanting to financially support the book. But, I did read her original article last year that is the basis of her book.

Too much of my work as a therapist is helping single women NOT feel badly about being single, about being appropriately choosey. I don’t have a problem with Gottlieb being sorry now that she passed up men when she was in her twenties that she found boring or unappealing. But, I DO have a problem that she is telling other women they should feel bad about that. And, they should now lower what I see as appropriate standards, just so they can find a man and not be alone.

(I see the result of those who have violated their own standards just to get married as they come to me later for marriage or divorce therapy!)

Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After wrote a comment not to be missed. In her LivingSingle Blog she critiques Gottlieb’s premise, relying on her extensive research about singles.

Another very thoughtful and respectful to women review is by Liesl Schillinger, in the DailyBeast. It is entitled “Give Up on Mr.Perfect?” I was going to give you a summary, but it’s worth reading it yourself!

Lori Gottlieb has obviously not ready my book, With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives,especially Chapter 9: Men! Clarifying Your Thinking About Them. Among other things, for women who do want to be with a man, I make the distinction between what they want in a man as opposed to what they want from a man. Your requirements shouldn’t’ be about him,rather they should be about you – what you need from him.

Some women are so focused on finding a man or in wanting to please him that they fail to identify what they need from him. Yet, if you don’t know,you won’t be aware of you aren’t getting it. So, instead of wanting him to be kind, you may only want to be with a man who is kind. Is that toying with words? No. It’s changing the focus from him to you. (You can get a free copy of “Your Needs List” to help think through what is important for you.)

Why pay any attention to this new book? Why even bother to mention it? Because for decades now women have struggled to counter the blame for not having a man, to deny any part of them that would not be “acceptable” to finding a man.

I’m concerned; Gottlieb’s message is harmful for women. It increases the potential for self-blame and tells them to place less value on themselves; they need a man, so go get one.

There are lots of good books out there for single women. The best Valentine’s Gift you can give yourself is to IGNORE THIS BOOK!

Single Women -- Teaching Your (married) Friends About Some of Your Needs

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 01:36:00 GMT

Today, among other topics, we talked about (among many other topics) being single. Many (probably not all) single women give a lot of energy to their siblings, their nieces and nephews, their friends. They may be called upon to do more for their aging parents because – they don’t have their only family. The assumption is, therefore,they must have more time.

I imagine women don’t mind giving to those they love, but they may not notice if they are being given back to. The next generation gives back in their reciprocal love, but children are not expected to be nurturers of adults. But siblings and friends? When you have a partner of your own, one who fills you with nurturance, you don’t notice how much you give out. But often single women don’t have that partner. So, others may look towards you for strength, tasks, caring without being absolutely certain they give back.

Just because you are single doesn’t mean your time is available for others. It doesn’t mean you don’t also need replenishing for what you give out to others.

Non-singles really don’t get what some of the cores problems are about being single. They may believe it’s only that you don’t have a man in your bed. While that is true, it’s only the most obvious issue. If your friends and family don’t get it, it (unfortunately) is up to you to teach them. Therefore, it’s up to you to know what are you not getting from them that you need. You may be lonely, not just because there is no man in your but because you are not getting the attention, caring, loving from those you give it to.

Can't wait for our next luncheon, Lillian.

(Oh, and if you want to read more about what it means to be single and how to handle yourself in a society that is not especially giving to singles, check out my book on

With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives. I also have a Workbook, with 30 fun, productive, thought-provoking exercises.)

What makes a truly Unique Women's Retreat?

Karen Gail Lewis — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 15:03:00 GMT

                        It's called UNIQUE RETREATS FOR WOMEN ...but what makes it UNIQUE?

    A women's retreat, in general, can be thought of as a gift women give to themselves. For a few days, they let go of their worries about home or work and just focus on themselves and they can come in all different flavors. There are business retreats, health retreats, outdoor adventure retreats, and so on...

    All women's retreats are exciting and exhilarating because of the intensity of being with caring women in a caring nurturing environment. However, the glow from the weekend typically dissipates as women return to their daily lives.

    Unique Retreats for Women is unique in the additional benefits it offers. These retreats include a minimum of 15 hours of group discussion, a series of innovative exercises to help you discover and address your individual issues, and a built-in six month follow-up (by telephone) to assure you maintain your momentum from the weekend.

    These retreats are specifically geared to help women clarify their personal goals. Women leave with plans for concrete action, having designed their own specific strategies to reach their goals – goals that only a few days ago they weren’t even aware they had.

    Another unique aspect is the evening entertainment provided by Barbara Baxter, the gifted ventriloquist. Her “talking friends” tap into one underlying theme of each retreat, finding your own voice.

    Finally, what makes Unique Retreats for Women unique is the skill and expertise of Dr. Karen Gail Lewis. Her insight, understanding, encouragement, and gentle pushing, as well as her ability to make women feel accepted in the group, make the progress of each woman a treasure for the whole group.

    A new retreat is being presented this spring, specifically designed for Women Ready for Change. While it is perfect for Baby Boomers, you don't need to be one to join us. All you need to be is a woman who is ready to make a change in her life. So if you are...

Contemplating a new career
Facing an empty nest
Considering a relationship change
Seeking menopausal zest
Longing to unearth your "Missing Something" or
Wanting time off to think about your life

... then I invite you to read more details about the retreat or contact me directly to answer all your questions.

I look forward to talking with you.

Karen

Rescue Plan for Post Holiday Blues

Webmaster — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 20:30:00 GMT

I’ve written before about PCB -- Post Christmas Blues. It’s that lethargic feeling that comes as a result of the post holiday let-down, January blah, or just plain winter doldrums. Whatever you call it, it begins after the holiday season when the weather is cold and days are shorter, and it ends before Spring.

PBC is an expectation condition, not to be confused with the neurological condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

If come mid-January and you still can not pull yourself from your blues, you may first need a PCB Rescue Plan. For it to work, though, you must follow these guidelines:

Give yourself permission to be blue rather than tell yourself to shake out of it.
Set aside 10 minutes when you can be in the dumps, mope around, feel sorry for yourself. You may be grumpy or weepy, so warn others to stay away during these few minutes. When you feel blue at other moments, tell yourself to wait until your next 10 minute period. Schedule as many periods each day as needed.
Have something planned for the end of your 10 minute period that will pull you into a different frame of mind. It might be preparing dinner, calling your best friend, watching an engaging television show, or even leaving for work. Planning what comes right after your moping will make it easier to shift out of the mood.

Some people fear if they give into the blahs, they will feel worse. Not true, not if you know you have a limited time and then you must get on with your everyday life. This PCB Rescue Plan teaches your body to respect the limits you set for yourself,so you can have your emotions but be in control of them.

(This same plan can be used for other emotional situations, whether it be grieving a death or not getting an anticipated award.)

The PCB Rescue Plan should help, bit if by mid-February, if you are still down, you might consult a therapist. Sometimes, the seasonal PCB passes, but inits wake it sets off other feelings which extend the blues.

How to Beat the Post Christmas Blues

Webmaster — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 01:19:00 GMT

Post Christmas Blues, January blah, winter doldrums.

Whatever you call it, it begins after the holiday season when the weather is cold and days are shorter, and it ends before Spring.

Post Christmas Blues (PCB is an expectation condition, not to be confused with the neurological condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It originates from one of several situations.

High Expectations for Christmas that don’t materialize.

Paula says, “Every year I look forward to our family’s getting together, telling myself Dad won’t get drunk this year and ruin everything. I create this fantasy and then am crushed when it doesn’t come true.

No expectations for Christmas but still disappointed:

Tom says,“I hate Christmas. It’s my wife’s tradition to spend the day wither parents. Married 10 years, 10 Christmases, and I still feel left out. Even though I start with absolutely no expectations to enjoy the day, I’m always surprised how disappointed I am afterward.”

Letdown after a wonderful Christmas:

John says, “I love getting together with my family. It’s like a warm and loving injection. Yet about a week or two afterward, I get depressed. It’s taken me years to see the connection – letting go of that sense of belonging as I go back to my every-day life.

Letdown after the party is over:

Martha says, “I spend six weeks planning, shopping, baking, decorating. Then everyone comes, has a great time, and goes home. I wash the dishes, store the decorations and it’s all over. Such a let down.”

Whether you enjoyed your Christmas or not, it’s over, and now there’s a lull. You feel cranky, blah, depressed, or just plain moody. PCB, especially if you don’t like winter, is a reaction to the lull. There are things you can do,though, to lessen the effects of PCB. By knowing the blues (or blahs) are coming, you can take preventive steps. Here are some suggestions that may spark some of your own.

1. If you’ve had a wonderful Christmas, you can counter the let-down by finding ways to extend that feeling of belonging. You might start a mid-year reunion with your family or arrange monthly get-togethers. Use technology and do joint Skype or teleconferences. Or, capture the special or funny moments in a scrapbook.

2. If you’ve had a disappointing (or miserable)Christmas, you might

•       Get involved in something you’ve been putting off, like building shed or making new curtains

•       Start something new, like volunteering at the animal shelter or getting active in your neighborhood

•       Plan your next vacation now, when you need to be thinking about a pleasant future rather than brooding over an unpleasant past.

Sometimes,just understanding why you are blue is enough to help you move on. But, if not, you at least now know you are suffering from PCB.

Is This For You? Or Someone You Know?

Webmaster — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 21:58:00 GMT

If you a newly engaged bride (or know anyone who is) feeling overwhelmed by the wedding planning tasks ahead, or if you are considering a possible career change to wedding and event planning, then be sure to attend the January 31st Seminar Sunday at the i-do Boutique. For more information, go to http://blog.i-do-weddings.com

This wedding planner is really unique, not like anything you've seen before, so go check her out and consider the two seminars and extras she has planned for the 31st.

Speaking Up to A Man is Not Selfish

Webmaster — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 22:57:00 GMT

Divorced many decades ago, my friend Z is really excited that at her age, beyond what others might call mid-life, she has finally met a man she wants to spend the rest of her decades with.

They’ve been together now for a bit over a year. Recently, he needed surgery. She went through the surgery, recovery, and rehab with him. The recovery, though, has been and will continue to be slow. He requires three times a week rehab as well as weekly doctor appointments. For the first few months, she willingly did this.

Last week, though, Z told him he needed to drive himself to these appointments. She felt badly doing that, hoping he wouldn’t feel resentful. But, her concern was she didn’t want to feel resentful. She was giving up a lot of her life in caretaking him. She loves him and wants o do some, but not to the extent of letting go of her own life. If she did not, she worried her resentment might end up ruining her relationship.

I emailed her last week, saying this is a great example of a woman speaking up, taking care of her own needs. Women so often are afraid of doing that, fearing they will seem uncaring, selfish, mean.

Z wrote back, saying, “I think that is my number one lesson in this relationship --learning to speak up, but doing it appropriately.”

This is a wonderful message for single women – and married women. We need to be clearer about stating our own needs, and we need to rethink the misused word “selfish.” After all, selfish, according to Webster(remember when we used dictionaries?) selfish is a combination of “about self”and the prefix, “ish” meaning about. So, selfish really means “about self.”

And, if you are not taking care of your self, who will be?

Thank you, Z, for reminding all of us women we need to be caring, loving – to those we love as well as to ourselves.

A Guarenteed Way To Keep Your New Year's Resolutions

Webmaster — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 21:33:00 GMT

Ok, so January 1 has come and gone. You made your New Year's resolutions, right? And, as of today, you’ve kept them, right?

If yes,that’s great. But, how many days has it been? By next month this time, what’s your guess; will you have kept all of them? Half of them? One of them? None?

It’s not hard to make new year resolutions, so what makes it hard to keep? For one thing, you may not make resolutions that are keepable.

For a resolution to be keepable,

It has to be doable, within your control. That means, it is something you really want,and you can find a way to make it happen. For instance, wanting to find a partner is not doable – unless you don’t care about your standards. You don’t really have control if a person you want to be with will come into your life,and be ready for a relationship. Or, you may resolve to get a better paying job. Well, that may or may not be in your control. You certainly have to do your part, but you may not be able to make that happen.
It has to be something about which you have no ambivalence. I want to be nicer to my mother-in-law. If you really don’t like her, and if you haven’t figured out how you are going to do that (see #3 below), this will not be a resolution you will keep.
It has to have a specific goal with set (and doable) results. For instance, “I want to learn to dance, so I will take dancing lessons once a week at the local dance studio. I am sending in my registration fee right now.”
It cannot be a vague resolution. Wanting to loose weight, a frequently dropped resolution, is not a good choice because it is too vague. How much weight, by when. What are the steps you will take to get there (see #2 above and #5 below)? You can see why this is rarely an accomplished resolution
It has to have frequent rewards to insure the continuation of the resolution. For instance, if you want to stop swearing, just saying it won’t work. You need to build in rewards to keep you focused on this goal. You might keep a chart of every time you catch yourself using one and every time you catch yourself before it comes out of your mouth. Then, tally up each column at the end of each day. That way,you can see progress over the weeks. And, keeping the daily chart is a reminder to keep your goal.

Now, because I know most people have a hard time keeping resolutions – whether they are personal or business – I am offering a great service. It is FREE and very private. It’s a guaranteed way for you to keep your resolutions -- assuming they are keepable, as listed above.

It’s called a Letter to Yourself. Check it out for details.

What's In A Name?

Webmaster — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:50:00 GMT

If you are Single or Single Again, this is for you!

If you know any single women, this is for you!

We use our language too promiscuously. We use words that we’ve heard all our lives and never give any thought to them --- until someone comes along and says, “Whoa. That’s really inappropriate.”

We saw this with the Woman’s Movement. Prior to the 70s, we females were “girls.” No one noticed, so we couldn’t have minded. In the beginning, a few women started shouting, “We’re not girls, we’re women,” but too many of us thought they were making a big deal about nothing. We’re the same people whether we are called girls or women, we said.

The same thing happened with “colored” people. When a few brave souls shook the country with demanding to be called “Black”or “African American,” too many of us thought they were making a big deal about nothing.

Time is on the side of those who shake up us, who make us think about the language we use.

So, be prepared to be shook up here.

If you do not currently have a legal document saying you are married, does that mean you are “Unmarried”? Do you call yourself “Unmarried”?

All of society uses this term, so what’s the big deal?

Well, think about this. You are female, right? Would you call yourself an “unman”? If you are short, would you call yourself “untall”?

Putting an “un” in front of a word signifies something the word is not. “Unmarried,” is a deficit word, saying who you are not. Yet, you know you’d never call yourself an unman or untall. In no other part of your life would you describe yourself by stating who you are not, so why do it with your status in life.

Do you see the difference between saying, “I am unmarried,” and “I am not married”? Most people don’t see that at first. In the same way, most people didn’t see that “girl” and “colored” had become inappropriate, if not offensive.

Language matters. Language is society’s way of passing on norms, expectations, cultural messages. We take words for granted, without recognizing the impact they have.

What, you reasonably ask, negative impact could “unmarried” possibly have?

If you are single or you have single friends, know that society is biased towards marriage. Also know that historically, women have been expected to be responsible for relationships – the ones they have and the absence of them. We women are nursed on Self-Blame. If there’s a relationship problem, it must be our fault.

Enough of unwarranted self-blame! And, if being more cautious about our language can relieve any self-blame, I’m all for it.

It's a great way to start the new year.

And, here's a special treat for you:

15 Golden Rules For Being An Emotionally Healthy Single Women

I’m eager to hear your thoughts about this. Do share your ideas and experiences about the deficit language for singles.

More About Losing A Best Friend

Webmaster — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:35:00 GMT

Yesterday,I was on the phone with Beth. She was telling me about Julie, her sister who is in her late 70s. The day after Christmas, Julie’s best friend died. Bev, twelve years older, lived across the street from her; they were daily companions talking on the phone, going out for chores as well as pleasure. Julie not just lost her best friend, she lost someone vital in her every day life.

Why do I tell you their ages, because I want to make it clear how important friendships are, particularly as you get older and it’s harder to make new friends.

Now losing a close friend is horrible at any time; but the thought of starting a newyear without your friend must be added pain.

My heart goes out to Julie. And, as I told Beth yesterday, I’m struck that of all my blogs (8/5/09 and 9/5/05 ) and articles, the ones that have gotten the most responses are the ones where I’ve written about the death of friends.

Julie and Bev were vital to each other’s feelings about themselves and their lives. I couldn’t live so well if Beth were to die (so, keep healthy, Beth). Hopefully, there is someone in your life that would have the same effect.

Losing a best friend is one of the tough losses, but one of the least recognized losses. People send sympathy cards when one loses a spouse, parent, child, even a sibling. But people rarely even think about expressing sympathy (to say nothing about a card) for the loss of a best friend. But, you have not chosen parents, children and siblings to be in your life. And, many best friends have a longer relationship than spouses.

So, value your friendships, and be particularly respectful when you hear about someone who has lost a close friend. They are probably hurting without getting appreciation from others for all that they have lost.

As this
new year begins, my sympathy again to the women who have written me about
losing their best friend. Time heals,
but the scar is always present.

And, my deepest sympathy to Julie.

Ideas for Overcoming a Bad Day, A Bad Week

Webmaster — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 19:42:00 GMT

Ever have a bad day? A bad week? As this year comes to an end, it's a good time to think in advance about how you would like to choose to handle these future disappointments or disruptions -- times when your life does not go according to how you envisioned it.

I received a blog from B. Hibbs, author of Try To See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage (www.trytoseeitmyway.com-- it's a great book, go get it) where she talks about a series of bad things that have happened. She says,

"Being a psychologist, I try all kind of rationalizations:

The past prepares you for the present. True, it does, and this too shall pass
It seems that there’s never enough time. Now there’s a week with nothing planned.
When you’re overwhelmed, break things down into small parts. One day at a time.
Growth through stress. I can’t abide unnecessary suffering. Might as well learn from it.
The Christmas spirit is about togetherness. I’m grateful we have each other, contagion and all."

Her advice to mothers:

",,,Teach your almost grown sons how to recover from life’s surprises. It starts with spilled milk. No use getting worked up. Just say, “Oh, that was a surprise, can you help me clean it up?” After many years of practice, the gift my sons now give to themselves when things go south is the reassurance: “Okay, that was a surprise.”

So please when you have a bad day, week or more, take a little time to feel sorry for yourself,grump about a bit, then figure out something new to do."

What do you do to help yourself through these days that can eat away at your self-esteem if you aren't careful?

Single Women: Teach Your Married Friends What You Need From Them This Holiday Season

Webmaster — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:03:00 GMT

This time of year can be really tough for single women. Genine, a 44 year old very accomplished professional, says,"I'm fine not having a man; I have good friends, mostly married. And for New Years eve, if I don't want to be by myself, I know I can call one of them and ask if I can join them and their family. But, just once, I'd like one of them to call me and ask what I'm doing for New Years. Why do I always have to be the one to do the calling? Yes,yes, I know. People see me as so together and self-sufficient." Well, that's true, but that doesn't mean I still don't want friends to reach out to me. I get tired of having to be the one doing all the initiating with my married friends."

Genine says it better than I could have, and she may be saying exactly what you are thinking too.

The fact is, though, that singles do have to be the ones to teach your married friends how to reach out to you. They are probably focused on their husband and children, but if they are good friends, they don't mean to be insensitive. Therefore, it may be up to you to broach the subject, telling them, politely, what you need. Reminding them, for instance, they could call and say if you don't have plans for New Years, why don't you join us.

My comment to Genine and to each of you: I do wish there were a man out there who would appreciate you. There is no doubt; life as a couple is certainly easier in our society. But,until or unless he comes along, use your good communication skills and enhance your friendships by telling your friends what you need from them. They probably haven't given it a thought. This could be your Holiday gift to them!