Women Talk

TO GO OR NOT TO GO? Should I Save My Marriage?

Karen Gail Lewis — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:12:00 GMT

Making a decision to stay in a marriage or to leave can be difficult.

Ron and Barb have been married for 37 years. The last 17 years haven’t been easy, but as they said, they muddled though for the sake of the kids. They were now grown and Barb was deciding whether to stay in the marriage or to leave. Ron suggested counseling since he didn’t want to lose her.

In one session, he described an argument from the night before. They had agreed to watch a video together. While she was setting it up, he said he wanted to just check on the Giants’ score. He got engrossed and didn’t return for forty minutes, when he told her about a fascinating snake performance from the half time entertainment.

Barb interrupted with, “I wish you’d find me fascinating.” She turned to me, “He can’t turn the television off even for a few minutes with me.”

“You know my job is so stressful. I use TV as a diversion.”

“I want to be that diversion for you. But I’m not; I’ve never been, and I don’t think I ever will be. I might as well not be here.”

How do you decide whether to stay or go? You’ve been married for a long time; you’ve invested a good part of your past together; your future is bound together forever by the children. Yet you are unhappy, angry, and feel deprived.

For some people, they just know they have to leave. For many though, it’s not clear; they’re entangled by having to consider too many extenuating factors: your children’s reactions, finances, reactions from your parents and siblings, the logistics of separation and starting over, loss of your history together, and of course, society’s subtle prejudice against divorce. Then, there is the discomfort of joining that group called Singles and starting to date.

Barb felt awful, not wanting to end this marriage, not wanting to be stifled in her own personal growth. To give her some distance, she decided to join a women’s retreat, where she could take time to fully understand what her choices were and why she might make whichever choice. She knew no one, but she thought that might be even more useful. "Unlike my friends and family, they don’t know me or Ron."

At the end of the weekend she said she felt more comfortable than she had in ages. She turned to each woman, smiling, and said, “I’m not mad at Ron. I’m sad, sad that we’ve grown so far apart and haven’t been able to bridge our differences. A part of me will always love him, but I now know I need to leave. Even if I never meet anyone else, I need to lead a life that fits who I am now. Thank you, you dear women for sharing your own stories with me and helping me think through what I really need for myself. Your doubts and your challenges were just what I needed to be absolutely certain I’m doing the right thing.”

Click here, if you want more information about Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change, or call me at 513-542-0646.

Valentine’s Day Is About Love Not Lovers

Karen Gail Lewis — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:14:00 GMT

When you think about Valentine's Day, do you feel pleasure? Grief? Anger? If you are single, Valentine’s Day, along with New Years, are the two most hated holidays. Too many single women say they "hide out" on February 14.

Valentine's Day, though, is not about lovers; it’s about love. It has become commercialized for lovers, but it’s really a time to connect with people you care about. In the midst of the hearts and flowers that have become associated with this day, the origin of the holiday is lost.

In fact, there is no agreed upon origin. There are numerous stories about the man Valentine and the holiday of love. They range from Roman days to honor the god Lupercus, to Emperor Claudius forbidding marriage, to Pope Gelasium turning a pagan game of romance into a game about saints.

You can choose which version of the origin of the holiday you prefer, in the same way you can choose how to relate to Valentine's Day. It can be a day of shame because you do not love and are not loved by a special man, or you can honor this day by acknowledging those people who make your life better. Valentine's Day is not about lovers, it’s about love. Here are some tips for how to make this a special day.

1. Send cards to everyone you love, male and female, young and old. Not only will the recipients feel cherished, you will be reminded how blessed you are to have so many special people in your life. For a fun flashback to your school days, buy a pack of the colorful cards you used to pass out to classmates, or make them yourself.

2. Honor the service people who make your life better. Give cards to people in your everyday life, showing how much you appreciate them. It might be the person who cuts your hair or cleans your home. It might be the bank teller who helps when your checkbook gets out of balance. You don’t have to wait for Christmas to let your mailperson know you appreciate the effort made to bring you 30 mail order catalogues a day. Think about the people who make your life easier; this is the day to remind yourself (and them) that you don't take them for granted.

3. Spend it with friends. Specifically choose February 14 to spend with people you appreciate but don't tell often enough. Take a favorite co-worker or office assistant to lunch. Or have a Valentine's dinner party for good friends.

4. Send flowers to yourself. Rather than mope or feel sorry for yourself that there is no man in your life to send you flowers, send them to yourself. Flowers are the love letters from Mother Nature.

5. Monitor your music. If you are likely to have a hard time on February 14, make sure for the few days leading up to the 14th you aren't listening to love songs or songs about longing for love or about brokenhearted love.

6. Don't hide. Don’t pretend it isn't Valentine's Day. Say Happy Valentine's Day to everyone you see. Wear a pin with hearts or at least wear red and white.

Can a Women's Retreat Give Me Some Answers? Yes

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:58:00 GMT

Is it time to finally get some answers? Maybe even answers to questions you don’t even know you have? Questions like am I ready for a different career? What will my life be now that my children have grown up (or started kindergarten),? Should I consider divorce or is my marriage worth saving? How to I get people to recognize how difficult it is to be single in a married world? It feels like my life is missing something, but what?

Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change is specifically geared to help women clarify their personal goals. We work hard, have fun, laugh a lot, ride horses (no experience needed). And at the end, you will leave with plans for concrete action, having designed your own specific strategies to reach your goals – goals that only a few days ago you may not even been aware you had.

For The Love of Friendship: Valentine's Day is About Love, not Lovers (a popular repeat)

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:44:02 GMT

My cousin, Don Kreger, just died in his mid-80s. Besides being an ad writer (wriggly gum), and an actor (he was in acting class with Marilyn Monroe), he was also a writer. In one of his articles, he wrote about Hank, someone else he knew from his early attempts in Hollywood. Hank made it big (not as big as Marilyn), while Don left Hollywood. He was speaking with such feeling about Hank, that Don's wife, Mari Kay, said, "You sound like you loved him." Don wrote, "I laughed, but maybe she was right."

We don't usually think of men as non-romantically loving their male friends, but there's even a song called "Buddy" where the singer recalls everything he misses about his best buddy, and ends with "Your Buddy misses you."

I mention men first because we women don't tend to think in terms of men loving their friends. We do know we love our friends, but - and here's the nub for Valentine's Day - do you let them know you love them? Do you get so caught up in wanting your husband/partner to let you know how special you are that you forget to let those special women friends know how you feel about them?

Did you know that research shows when women need to share their deepest emotions, they are far more likely (I forget the percentage) to turn to their women friends, their sisters, or their mother than to their husband?

My own research into friendships indicates that women do tend to take their friends for granted. I'm delighted there is a website for friends, Girlfriendology.com, and I imagine they'll do something big around Valentine's Day. But, too often, we just know our friends are there and don't bother letting them know how important they are to us, how our lives are enhanced by their presence, how they have helped us grow and change over the years.

So, this February 14, make sure you love your friendships!

Single Women: Reclaim Valentine's Day (a popular repeat)

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:41:37 GMT

Remember in first grade when you had a crush on little Jimmy? Starting February first, you struggled with whether you should make him a valentine card. But what if he didn't make you one! Your other big worry was if little Suzie would give you one. They were equally big worries. And, would you get as many as Janie?

Valentine's day has taken on an entirely different meaning now that you are an adult. Now, it's not do you have a lot of friends who will give you a card. Nor do you think twice if Susan (no longer Suzie) does or doesn't give you one. The only remnant from your childhood Valentine's Day is whether James will give you one. Over these few decades, the emphasis for you has shifted from something you shared with your friends to ROMANCE.

While there are a number of beliefs about how Valentine's Day got started, the more common ones are connected to murder and rape. One version says Valentine's Day is named for a Christian saint who was murdered for marrying men and women at a time the Emperor needed men to go to war. If married, goes this story, men wouldn't want to leave their families. The emperor needed single soldiers so he killed the man who was marrying the couples.

Another version, going back to pagan days, says Valentine's Day actually derived from a lottery that was held for young men (maybe teenagers) to win a young woman (maybe a teenager) for the male's sexual pleasure.

You can choose any story you prefer just as you can choose how to relate to Valentine's Day. It can be a day of shame because you do not love and are not loved by a special man, or you can honor this day by acknowledging those people who make your life better. Back in elementary school, you knew Valentine's Day was not about lovers, but about love and caring and friendship.

If you are single, Valentine's Day ranks up there as one of the two most hated holidays, along with New Years Eve. Too many women say they "hide out" on February 14.

The commercialization of the day contributes to making singles feel left out, such as hotels offering special room rates with champagne and chocolates, florists' ads showing men beaming with a bouquet for their "belles." A client recently told me she can't enjoy the day because she lacks a necessary ingredient - a man.

Here are just a few ideas for how to make Valentine's Day special for you - where you take control of the day:

Honor the "service" folks who make your life better. This could be your hairdresser, bank teller, accountant. Even the man at the corner newsstand where you buy your paper each morning.
Invite co-workers or your support staff to lunch.
Plan a dinner with your favorite single friends, and do not talk about men. Make it a fun, loving evening.
Send flowers - to yourself! No one ever said they have to come from a man. You could even write your own special note, reminding yourself how much you value you.

As long as you connect romance with February 14th, you are at the mercy of a man not being in your life. On the other hand, you can take control of the day, returning it to the meaning it had for you when you were a child - a day of showing your friends you like them, and you care enough to make (remember doing that?!) them a special card.

My Husband Always Ruins Valentine's Day for Me

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:39:44 GMT

Remember back to when you were "courting"? Did he do up the day really big? A lovely dinner, a surprise group of singers come to your home? A romantic card promising a fantastic bed-time romp?

Well, most likely, once the courtship was over, the glow faded, right? (If wrong, you can skip this article and consider yourself lucky.)

There is a fantasy women create that once married, the romance continues. Okay, so maybe you don't expect it all the time, but at least on Valentine's Day. There are men for whom the day holds a special meaning. It gives them one day a year where they are reminded to show how much they appreciate their wives.

On the other hand, many men know they love their wife. For them, giving a gift or card is something they'll do if she wants it, but it doesn't hold any special meaning to them.

When women want the day to be special, they are hurt or disappointed or even angry when they feel the man has just done something to appease them. It's not romantic if the secretary is sent out to buy the nightgown or order the flowers (which probably doesn't happen as often now as it used to two decades ago).

This could be a no-win situation for a man. If he does something for Valentine's Day but you know he's only doing it to please you, you won't be happy. And, if he doesn't do anything, you won't be happy.

So, women, you have a choice. You can be upset at him for not being who you want him to be, or you can remind yourself of all you do get from him, and make peace with Valentine's Day being one of the things you will not get from him. Marriage, as you well know, if filled with compromises. This could be one more you will make.

Women's Retreat Whose Benefits Go On and On and On

Karen Gail Lewis — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:57:50 GMT

If you’ve ever been on a women’s retreat -- be it for fitness, spiritual, outdoor adventure – you know how exciting and exhilarating retreats are because of the intensity of being with caring women in a caring nurturing environment. However, when you got back to your daily life, did the glow from the weekend dissipate before the end of the first week?

That is only one of the differences with Unique Retreats for Women – the retreat goes on for another six months, through monthly group phone calls to make sure women keep the momentum going for the changes they want in their lives.

And, unlike other retreats, there is no one specific theme. With only a small number of women in attendance, they each come with their own questions or decisions or life dilemmas. So, one woman may be struggling with whether or not to stay in her marriage, while another may be thinking about a major career change. A third woman may be turning 50, has a good life, but wants something different in her life, but not sure what. And, some women come not knowing what it is they want.

The retreats evolve around a minimum of 15 hours of group discussion and a series of innovative exercises to help you discover and address your individual issues. The horseback ride (no experience necessary) is a special aspect; it’s fun and it’s also used as a metaphor for taking the reins of your life in your hands.

Give yourself this gift; take a few days to focus just for you, to let go of worries about home or work. Registration is open now but closes mid-March (which is not that far away!)

Must a Woman Give Up Her Life for a Man?

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:43:00 GMT

“The man is born twice: Once by a woman who gives him LIFE, and once by a woman who gives him LOVE. The first gives him HER LIFE and the second gives him HIS LIFE.”

I saw this quote by Khaled Hishma. It’s catchy, for sure. But, is it accurate, or more to the point for me as a therapist, is it emotionally healthy?

No doubt a mother gives her child (male and female) life, but must a mother give up her whole life to her children? In the 1950s and earlier, that was definitely the expectation. But gender issues have evolved since the Women’s Movement; women have found ways to be a good mother and wife, while still have a life for herself at work, as a friend -- as a female just for herself.

No doubt a woman can gives her love to a man, but here there are several aspects that go awry with this cute phrase. Not all women give their love to a man; many to a woman and many are content without giving romantic love to anyone.

And, for sure, a woman who gives her man his life is in for big relationship trouble (as seen, in part, by the high divorce rate). She can’t possibly be successful because no one can fill in the missing pieces for someone else. He has to fill his own life; she can be an addition to what makes him feel good about himself.

In the same way, no man can fill a woman’s life. As I’ve said many times in my writings about single women, a man can only be the icing on her cake; she has to be her own delicious, substantial cake.

Many women say they feel healthier when they are not involved with a man. That’s because too often, they give up a piece of themselves in that relationship. This is one of the many topics discussed at my women’s retreats – how to be in a relationship without giving up a part of yourself.

So, this quote is cute to say, but fairy tales are cute too. Unfortunately, they leave girls growing up believe in them, believing they must give up their life to a man.

Two Steps for Decreasing Your Arguments

Karen Gail Lewis — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:41:00 GMT

“I can’t stand it,” she screamed. “If it’s not one thing it’s another. He drops his dirty clothes where ever he is. He promised to paint the back steps two weeks ago. He was late for a doctor’s meeting we had scheduled. He talks to me like I’m his maid. I could go on and on.”

No, Emma is not talking about her teenage son. She’s referring to her husband. Emma has lots of reasons to be angry at Paul. But, she hates to be constantly complaining about him, and especially complaining to him.

Emma is like many women: you have an on-going list of disappointments, complaints, and hurts about the important man in your life. But, mentioning each of them is a real downer -- for him and for you.

Rather than complain each time something bothers you, or worse, stuffing your annoyances because you don’t want to always be complaining, here’s a better option. You’ll feel less like a nag, and you may actually get better results. And, you for sure, you’ll feel less angry at him.

Part 1: Do your homework first

a. For 1-2 weeks, write down every complaint that comes to mind. He didn’t call when he was going to be late; he forgot your son’s soccer game; he never asks about your day. Everything.

b. Now, categorize them. You’ll find with even a list of 15-20 items, a number of them fall into similar themes, e.g., disrespect, forgetfulness. Chances are, these 15-20 items may all fit into 3 or 4 themes. And, you may feel less overwhelmed when all of your dissatisfactions are really only 3 or 4.

c. Now, in thinking about talking with him, you can think about the themes – not each individual complaint.

Part 2: Talk with him

Set a specific time each week when you two can address that are of concern to either of you. This gives him permission to raise a concern -- since men tend to ignore things until a tipping point when they blow up. This is a typical gender difference.

By having this discussion every week, you can let go of the anger at each moment because you know when you’ll have a chance to address the issue.

Emma said, “I thought this was going to be a waste of time, keeping that list. I had no idea what you meant by categorizing. I certainly did not believe I’d actually feel less angry and happier around him having to hold on to my anger for that one day a week. But, I was amazed. It’s true."

13 Tips to Improve Your Sibling Relationships

Karen Gail Lewis — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:34:00 GMT

Is there tension between you and your sister or brother? Do you wish you could be closer, but she (or he) won't talk with you, is short or snappy. You don't understand, but you know you want it to be different. Have you tried reaching out and always getting rebuffed. Well, there may be a different way to approach her. Is it possible she feels hurt or rebuffed by you? Even if you aren't aware of what you have done?

And, even if you know you both have reasons to be angry at or hurt by the other, you want her to understand what she did to you. Everyone wants to feel heard. But, it is hard to hear another persons’ complaints about you if you don’t feel your side is being heard. Unfortunately, everyone wants to feel heard first, so that means someone has to listen first. If you are initiating this effort with your siblings, you need to be prepared to hear your siblings’ complaints about you before you speak your concerns. You have a better chance of being heard if your siblings feels you have heard them, that you understand why they feel the way they do, how you have hurt or angered them.

PREPARATION:

1. Make a list of all of your complaints about your brother or sister.

2. Make a list of the list you imagine your brother or sister would make about you.

3. Write a letter (not to be sent) to yourself – as if from your sibling -- about these complaints. Make sure your sibling “tells” you how angry she or he is as well as how hurt. Use specific examples.

4. See if you learn something new by doing this to help you understand the problems from your sibling’s perspective.

5. Now, write a letter (not to be sent) to your sibling about your complaints. Make sure you express how angry you are as well as how hurt. Use specific examples.

6. Put both letters to the side – for the time being.

NOW, YOU ARE READY TO APPROACH YOUR SIBLING

7. Write your sibling (even if you live in the same city), saying you are unhappy about your relationship. You would like things to be better. So, to help you understand the problem from his or her perspective, you invite a letter explaining the problem as he or she sees it.

8. When you get a return letter – before you react to what has been said about you -- respond to how your sibling must feel – given his or her perspective of the problem. (Even if your sibling has the story entirely wrong, only respond to the feelings. Remember, you’ll have your turn later.)

9. Chances are you’ll get a response to your empathetic letter.

10. Now is the time for you to write your perspective. Using your

letter from above (#3), edit it so it is clear you are talking from

how you experienced the situation. Do not tell your sibling

what he or she did wrong, only how it felt to be on your side of

what happened.

11. You can continue writing back and forth, using these “I Statements.”

12. At some point, you may want to suggest meeting to talk in

person. But, don’t rush that. The problems took a long time to

evolve, so give yourself time to resolve them.

13. Consider a sibling weekend retreat to help get into more depth

about the causes and how to get past the problems

(www.UniqueRetreatsForSiblings.com).

Parents of Gifted Children

Karen Gail Lewis — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:27:00 GMT

Do you have a gifted child? Do you have more than one gifted children?

Kudos to all parents who raise children; it’s a tough job.

Kudos to all parents who raise children when one or more are gifted. It’s hard enough trying to figure out what works for each child, but when you add to the mix a gifted child, it multiplies the difficulty for parents.

That’s because gifted children are smart and inquisitive, and hence, they can be incredibly annoying. They don’t just accept any answer you give; they often want more info: why is something happening, how’d it get that way; there’s another way of doing something – and dozens of other questions and challenges.

When you are invested in a teaching moment, you are probably very proud of your gifted child/ren. When you are telling them no more candy, or it’s time to turn off the TV, or no you can’t buy that newest i-whatever – they want more info. Or, they explain how you can afford to buy it, or why you need it.

What is so hard is figuring out when they are being brilliant from when they are being manipulative.

Now, multiply this by two if you have two gifted children.

You deserve an as-yet-given reward for surviving being a parent, in the first place, and a parent to a gifted child. So, here’s what you get:

Take your right hand and place it on your left shoulder. Then walk your fingers backwards, giving yourself a “pat on the shoulder!”

Girlfriends: Telephone Tea with friends

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:34:12 GMT

Have you ever been blue? Not depressed (you can still get up and go to work). Just blue? Everything seems routine, boring, dull? Some women avoid the feelings by working harder or later in the evening. Or, by eating, or numbing themselves with television, or losing themselves in a good book. Anything to pass the time until either you feel better or you have to get to work.

Lorraine tells an interesting story:

“When I’m down, I know if I could go out with a girlfriend, I’d feel better. But, the last thing I feel like doing when I’m so down, is picking up the phone and risking getting an answering machine. Or a friend saying, “Sorry, I’m just running out; I’ll call you later.” The pain of forcing myself to make the effort and then not having some one there, at times, is just too great.

“But, about a month ago, about 6:00 on a Friday evening, I mustered the energy (the nerve?) to call Betsy. After all, married women are always busy, especially on weekends. I was surprised to hear her voice, and more surprised she had time to talk. (I always ask that first thing.) But when I suggested getting together this weekend, I was nearly crushed by her very understandable explanation why she wasn’t available.

“But then something wonderful happened. We talked for an hour! It was only the next day before I realized I had gone to “tea” with Betsy – from the comfort of our own homes.

“Since then, I’ve added lunch with friends who live hundreds of miles away.”

Being blue is normal. But, as Lorraine discovered, the telephone can be one of the things that get you feeling better.

Like the old telephone company says, “Reach out and,” instead of touch someone, “Reach out and call a girlfriend.”

Are You Thinking About Leaving Your Marriage?

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:19:00 GMT

Are you thinking about divorce? Before you do, you may want to give yourself a specifically planned “Structured Separation.” This removes you two from each other’s presence on a daily basis while giving you the chance to see whether any fun or pleasure might still exist. By separating out problems (to be dealt with in a therapist’s office) from fun time together, you have the maximum potential to see if the old flame could be rekindled.

Here is an overview of the four parts:

Part One: Set a time limit

3-6 months
Live in separate homes

Part Two: Rules for specified times to be together for fun

30-60 minutes, at the beginning (more if there is not much tension between you two)
During these times, do something different than you usually do, preferably something you’ve never done together before
Make a Taboo List – a list of topics that can not be discussed. This would be anything that might cause tension or unpleasantness, such as children, money, in-laws, work.

Part Three: Rules for specified telephone contact

Set a time and frequency for handling administrate and business issues. This might include money issues, household repairs or other household responsibilities, decisions about the children. If these topics must be handled in person, make sure you do not slide into talking about the problems.
If you both agree, set a time and frequency for having casual phone conversations. Again, this is not a time to talk about problems.
The Taboo List is still in effect in each of these calls.

Part Four: Couple’s Therapy

This is the time where you will deal with the conflicts in your marriage – those from the past as well as current issues. Decide with your therapist the frequency of these meetings.

By the end of the specified time period, you may not have resolved all of your problems, but you will have some clarity if you want to move ahead with the divorce or continue to pursue improving your relationship. Either way, you will understand what happened to your marriage, how it fell apart, and there will be less antagonism between you two in the future.

Remember, if you have children, whether you divorce or get back together, you still have to deal with your same issues because you will be in each other’s lives for the rest of your own life. Therefore, you might as well clear the air and learn to argue more productively.

Click here to contact me if you want more details of the four-part Structured Separation.

Don't Lose Contact With Your Friends

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:34:33 GMT

This past month, two people I know have died. They were not close friends, so I do not grieve as I would if I had known them better. But, I’m not really ready to have people I know die.

It also makes me so aware of the importance of keeping contact with those who have been meaningful in my life.

Recently, I met with a male client in his 60s who was talking about his best friend when he was younger. The two men were in each other’s weddings, shared a lot more than he ever shared with any other man. They were in business together, but years ago had a difference of opinion, and stopped talking. He has had no contact in over 20 years.

In our discussion, it became clear that if something were to happen to his wife, he would be pretty much alone. I shared with him a falling out I had with a dear friend years ago. After a few years of not talking, I called her – out of the blue – and told her we had too much history to lose each other now.

He listened, and I swear his eyes got a bit damp. After a moment, he said, “I really miss Philip.” Although he is not a man of many words, he said a huge amount with these four.

At the end of the session, he mentioned they still had friends in common so he could find out how to contact him if he wanted to.

I hope he does. Really, if you have a history with someone and you’ve lost touch, think carefully: do you really want to never have this person in your life again?

Don’t wait until someone dies – it’s too late then.

Did You Marry Your Sibling?

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 21:36:15 GMT

Did You Marry Your Sibling?

“Of course not,” you say. Since we’re a psychologically sophisticated society, you continue, “Everyone knows you marry the parent of the opposite sex.”

Well that’s true some of the time. But, it’s also true that some of the time you choose to marry your sibling. In fact, you could even say that your early childhood sibling relationship was your “first marriage.”

Let me explain: If you have a sibling within 4 years of age, when you were little (pre-school little), your relationship actually was a laboratory for marriage. It’s where you learned (or didn’t learn) to start, resolve, and avoid fights. Where you learned (or didn’t learn) to compete, save face, negotiate, cooperate. You learned (or didn’t learn) to move between loving and fighting and back to loving again, when to exert your power and when to withdraw. And, if you had less physical power, you learned (or didn’t learn) to draw upon other skills to “get even” -- skills such as humor, manipulation, blackmail, tattling, bartering – and lots more.

When you think about what you learned, or didn’t learn, back in your first living together peer relationship, you can see how many of those same issues come up in all subsequent love relationships. Many of the skills you learned (or didn’t learn) back then are how you deal (or don’t deal) with problems you now encounter in your adult love relationships.

We tend to recreate our history. And then we choose someone who allows us to recreate the (emotionally) difficult parts of our history. For instance, if you felt consistently belittled in your early childhood by a sibling, you may be surprised to find yourself with someone who, after the glow of the relationship wears off, leaves you feeling belittled.

So, in a quiet moment, think about what annoys you, what makes you feel less than good about yourself, where you let go of your competence, or other aspects of what you feel in your relationship. Think about what annoys you about your spouse? Then, ask if the feelings you have are familiar.

That’s the first part. If you find a familiarity, then ask yourself how old you feel in those moments. Sometimes, that is a short-cut way to figure out why you are reacting in ways you don’t like in yourself.

Once you recognize the connect, the second part, is to remind yourself that you are no longer the 8 year old who tried so hard to please a big brother, but never felt you were successful. Or, you don’t have to be controlling in your marriage, because you no longer the bossy big sister being asked to be in charge of an irresponsible younger sibling.

Would You Prefer a Tickle or a Hug?

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:57:08 GMT

I was racing down the street and heard a man call out, "Would you rather be tickled or hugged?" He said he was doing a survey.

Since I was hurried, I didn't stop, but that question rattled around in my brain for the next few days.

Would I rather be tickled or hugged? I found the answer depended upon the moment -- at that particular moment, I certainly didn't want a hug. I was pressured for time, so a tickle would have been perfect to lighten me -- even while my legs moved along fast.

But later, when I was feeling quieter, I wouldn't have wanted a tickle. I would have wanted the calming of a hug.

But wait. There was more. My answer actually would be influenced by the giver. If the tickler or hugger came from a good friend? A sibling or other family member (niece, uncle, parent)? A spouse/partner?

When you are mad at your spouse/partner, would you want that person to reach through your anger with a hug or a tickle?

If you felt a brother or sister was ignoring you, would you want them to re-connect with a hug or a tickle? Better yet, which would you give them?

If you've had bad news, or a tough day at work which would help more -- a good friend hugging or tickling you?

Hmm. I bet that man on the street had no idea how complex his 10 word survey actually was.

Gifted Children and Their Siblings Part 2: Protectiveness

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:51:33 GMT

Sometimes a gifted child is so highly focused on specific aspects of the world, he or she comes across as “weird,” or a geek to the peers.

A caring sibling often is sensitive to the pain of the (often) friendless sibling. One of the things I see a lot among siblings is a protectiveness. “I feel bad for my sister who is odd compared to her friends.” Or, “I cringe when I see my brother being teased for not noticing his shirt is on backwards. I know he’s got far more important things on his mind than his shirt.”

It’s not only non-gifted children who are protective. Some families have more than one gifted child, and often one has far more social skills than the other. This one may feel protective of her sister or brother.

Most often, though, children are not consciously aware of trying to keep their gifted sibling from feeling bad.

Here is a story about two young brothers, both gifted, but one is protective of the other – to his own detriment.

Johnny is 11 and his only brother, Petey, is 9. Both have been diagnosed as gifted.

Petey is a born athlete and socially well liked. He has a winning smile and teachers love having him in class. Unfortunately, though, he is not working to his potential. Even things like not turning in his papers – even if he has them in his backpack.

Johnny lacks basic social skills; he is uncoordinated, and not well liked. Yet, he is doing amazing work in his classes.

It took some time for Petie to help me understand, but he was feeling guilty that he had so much more going for him than his big brother. He couldn’t help Johnny be more like other kids; he couldn’t make him a better ball play. But, he could minimize his intelligence so at least this would be one area when Johnny excelled over him.

Gifted Children and Their Siblings -- Part 1: Competition

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:29:15 GMT

I frequently get asked to talk to parents of gifted children. While there are so many important topics, one that I always address is usually a surprise to them: the importance of siblings when one child is gifted.

Briefly, I’ll just address here two aspects: competition and protectiveness.

Competition: Many families are uncomfortable with the idea of competition. They try hard to make sure their children do not feel one is better than another, to give every one special attention. If one is good in sports and another isn’t, they encourage that child toward some other interest/activity.

It’s a great idea; it just doesn’t help eliminate the children’s own sense of competition. They know when they are better than or not as good as another child. They also know when you are uncomfortable with the idea of competition and are moving them away from noticing!

When you have a gifted child, it’s hard to pretend that the siblings don’t notice. When a 6 year old is helping a 10 year old with homework – they notice!

Unfortunately, most parents don’t talk about a child being gifted. I say this because it leaves the other children wondering why they are not as smart. Just telling them they play the piano better, doesn’t answer their question. The answer, of course is, Who knows! Most children can handle hearing that it is as random as which of your children got your blue eyes and which got your father-in-law’s thick hair.

If you handle the issue of giftedness, like you handle which child is left-handed, you remove the value judgment; it’s just part of the randomness of life. Then, you can tell them the good qualities and skills they have.

Birth Order -- a Semi-Flawed Theory

Karen Gail Lewis — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:09:06 GMT

Jackson is the only child of a single mother. His father was only peripherally involved in his life when he was growing up. He was gentle, caring child, not terribly outgoing but also not shy.

Since he has had no practice in relating to siblings, some would say in a relationship he would make decisions on his own, not be readily prepared to include his mate in his thinking.

To these some, I would say, “Sorry.” You forgot so many other factors. He was intensely close with his mother, always tuned into what she wanted, what made her happy. He also had cousins, about his age, where he had to learn to share and negotiate.

Now, let’s have Jackson’s mother give birth to another child. It could be either sex, but let’s have her be a girl. Judy is born three years after Jackson, and, as so many mothers have said, “She was born with a mind of her own.” Judy is clear about what she likes and dislikes. She has to learn to negotiate with her big brother, but his personality style is more easy-going, so he tends to give in. Besides, he really likes his little sister.

Now, it’s true, Judy is a figment of my computer, here. But, there are so many families like this. What birth order theory always forgets is that it is true…only when it fits. There are so many other factors that account for children’s behaviors and personality style.

So, don’t be too quick to write someone off on the basis of a semi-flawed theory.

Tips For Post Holiday Blues

Karen Gail Lewis — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:25:00 GMT

Post Christmas or Hanukkah Blues, the coming of January blah, winter doldrums. Whatever you call it, it begins after the holiday season when the weather is cold and days are shorter and ends before spring.

Post Holiday Blues (PH is an expectation condition, not to be confused with the neurological condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It originates from one of several situations:

· High expectations for the holiday that don’t materialize

Paula says, “Every year I look forward to our family’s get-together, telling myself Dad won’t get drunk this year and ruin everything. I create this fantasy, and then I am crushed when it doesn’t come true.”

· No expectations for the holiday, but still disappointed

Tom says, “I hate Christmas. It’s my wife’s tradition to spend the day with her parents. Married ten years, ten Christmases, and I still feel left out. Even though I start with absolutely no expectations to enjoy the day, I’m still surprised how disappointed I am afterwards.”

· Let down after a wonderful holiday

John says, “I love getting together with my family. It’s like a warm and loving injection. Yet, for about a week or two afterwards, I get depressed. It’s taken me years to see the connection: a let-down after that wonderful sense of belonging.”

· Let down after the party is over

Martha says, “I spend six weeks planning, shopping, baking, and decorating. Then everyone comes, has a great time, and goes home. I wash the dishes, store the decorations, and it’s all over. Such a let down.”

Whether or not you enjoyed your holiday, it’s over, and now there’s a lull. You feel cranky, blah, depressed, or just plain moody. PHB, especially if you don’t like winter, is a reaction to that lull. There are things you can do though to lessen the effects of PHB. By knowing the blues (or blahs) are coming, you can take preventive steps. Here are some suggestions that may spark some of your own.

If you’ve had a wonderful holiday, you can counter the let-down by finding ways to extend that feeling of belonging and connection. You might start a mid-year reunion with your family or arrange monthly get-togethers or telephone-get-togethers. Or, you might capture the special or funny moments in a scrapbook.

If you’ve had a disappointing (or miserable) holiday, you might:

· Get involved in something you’ve been putting off, like building a shed or making new curtains,

· Start something new, like volunteering at the animal shelter or getting active in your neighborhood

· Plan your next vacation now, when you need to be thinking about a pleasant future rather than brooding over an unpleasant past.

PHB Rescue Plan

If you can’t pull yourself from your blues, you may first need a PHB Rescue Plan. For it to work, though, you must follow these guidelines.

1. Give yourself permission to be blue rather than tell yourself to shake out of it.

2. Set aside 10 minutes when you can be in the dumps, mope around, and feel sorry for yourself. You may be grumpy or weepy, so warn others to stay away during these few minutes. When you feel blue at other moments, tell yourself to wait until your next 10 minute period. Schedule as many periods each day as needed.

3. Have something planned for the end of your 10 minute period that will pull you into a different frame of mind. It might be preparing dinner, calling your best friend, watching an engaging television show, or even leaving for work. Planning what comes right after your moping will make it easier to shift out of that mood.

Some people fear if they give into the blahs, they will feel worse. Not true, not if you know you have a limited time and then you must get on with your everyday life. This Rescue Plan teaches your body to respect the limits you set for yourself, so you can have your emotions but be in control of them.

(This same plan can be used for other emotional situations, whether it be grieving a death or not getting an anticipated award.)

The Rescue Plan should help, but if by mid-February, if you are still down, you might want to consult a therapist. Sometimes the seasonal PHB passes, but in its wake it sets off other feelings which extend the blues.